A Writer's Life

The Mail I Get

I got this email from a passionate fan in the UK of the TV show PRISON BREAK...

 

 I am just writing to ask you about some information that i require about writing a TV Show.

So, you must of heard of the hit TV Show called Prison Break right? Due to the high demand of many viewers who have been

dedicating their time on creating fan sites and Facebook pages to get themselves heard about a brand new Prison Break.

Well, taking this into account i decided to start writing a Bible on Prison Break 2. A sequel to the previous US TV Show. However,

I do not have any information on whether or not i will have to contact the creator (Paul T Scheuring) in order to be able to go forward with this.

I am really in need of some help as i have dedicated nearly a month of my life into creating an idea and being able to present it well.

In my opinion, as well as other feedback I have received from fans, tells me that the Prison Break 2 will go on to be a success.

I am waiting in anticipation for your reply.

Thank You Very Much.

I get emails like this a lot. It's great that a TV show has sparked your creativity, but I'm afraid you've wasted a month of your life and your creative efforts.

To mount a new series of PRISON BREAK, you would not only need the permission of the show's creator, but more importantly the studio that produced the show and owns the rights. On top of that, nobody is going to be interested in an idea for a new PRISON BREAK series from someone who has no connection to the show and is not an experienced TV writer or producer. 

Working on new material for TV programs that are off the air, and that you did not create and do not own, is a complete waste of your time. You are much better off coming up with something entirely original and devoting your energies to that.

 

The Mail I Get

I got an email from the maker of nutritional supplements urging me to take a stand against "sock puppet" fake reviews. How? By reviewing his product. Not only will I be striking a blow against fake reviews but, as an added incentive, he says it will also boost my own "helpful" review stats. 

Help me stop these fake "sock puppet" Amazon reviews.

I found your Amazon Review profile and wanted to see if you would like to review a nutritional supplement with "excessive" buzz?

XYZ was recently featured on the Dr Oz show and instantly became the world's #1 selling nutritional supplement. I'm not kidding, this product beat the top selling Multivitamin in Sales Rank!

Right now we are competing with some other companies to be the product with the most reviews on Amazon for "XYZ".

I'm pretty sure the two biggest reviewed competitors above us are using fake reviews to get to the top sales ranks. After looking through their reviews, it's pretty obvious that some of the "customers" are not real people.

Just shill accounts with hilarious reviews:

"This product is puppy dogs and rainbows. I lost 100 pounds, it cured my cancer, and it made me a millionaire in 5 seconds! Buy it!"

We've decided under no circumstances to use fake reviews, but we still want to beat these guys!

Right now we have 49 reviews and 4.5 stars, all from real customers.

The top seller has 302 reviews, a bunch of which are fake.

We can beat them the old fashioned way. With real reviews!

I'd like to send you a free bottle of our product XYZ in exchange for an honest review. I'm not asking for a 5 star review. You can give it 1 star and I'll be happy.

Since this is one of the hottest selling products on Amazon, you have the opportunity to rack up a ton of helpful votes and views for your review.

I don't see how helping him rack up reviews for his product will strike a blow against sock-puppetry or help him battle the unfair tactics of his competitors (especially since he claims his pills are already "one of the hottest selling" products on Amazon). He may not to be asking for fake praise, but his solicitation is still uniquely idiotic and sleazy. 

The Mail I Get

Here's a book I will never read:

Dear Lee,

I would like to introduce you to Fembodyverse: An Inner-Stellar Adventure into Womanhood. Seventeen-year-old Estelle has one wish—to feel like a woman. She believes by losing her virginity she will receive this magical feeling. Not only does this modern induction fool her, but an inner voice beckons her to a more ingenuous initiation. With a trusted guide, Estelle begins her inner-stellar adventure into womanhood, traveling through her body’s vast and starry dimensions. There, she cavorts with creatures, unravels mysteries, and meets unforgettable friends as she unlocks her embodied wisdom. Back and forth from the internal world and the external world she travels, her family and friends think she’s lost her mind as Estelle courageously claims her majestic value from the inside out. Fembodyverse chronicles the adventures of a new archetype and superheroine of our time; Estelle is here to infuse our world with inside-out value for women and girls everywhere.

I don't know about you, but I'm afraid to ask what it means to "infuse our world with inside-out value for women" by "cavorting with creatures" and exploring your "body's vast and starring dimensions." But I do like that last phrase. I am no longer on a diet to lose weight. I am dieting to control my body's "vast and starry dimensions."

The Mail I Get - Mr. Monk Edition

I have been flooded with emails from readers of MR. MONK GETS EVEN, my 15th and final MONK book. The reaction has been so heartfelt, and so positive, that it almost makes me feel guilty for walking away from the series...though I know it's in very good hands now with my friend Hy Conrad picking up where I left off.

Here's just a sampling of some of the many, many emails I've received and the very nice things readers have been saying:

I’m about to start reading your last Monk novel, and I’m going to read very slowly because I don’t want it to be over. Thank you for giving me so much reading enjoyment, including many laugh-out-loud moments.-- Jan Roan

Why do all good things have to come to an end? Your Monk series is absolutely delightful. I got excited every time a new book came out. Thank you for what you've given to die hard Monk fans. It really meant alot.  -- Classiceman

ANOTHER BRILLIANT book!!!! And was so sad and shocked to read that this is your last Monk book. It was like a Monk Major Life event when I read that news. Anyway, thank-you for the many many years of great enjoyable reading. --Steve H. Karsten

As I read the last few MONK books, I realized you might be finishing the series.  I am so disappointed!   The enjoyment of visiting all the MONK characters is a treat, your style is easy to read, and a perfect way to relax.  The humor is amazing, and I suppose I will now be reduced to re-reading these novels again and again. -- Amy Tomlin

Thanks for all of the Monk books.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye to Mr. Monk when the show ended!  Loved the way you wrapped it all up. --Joelle Peterson

Thank you for 15 great Monk novels and innumerable hours of enjoyment. I am sorry to read number fifteen will be your last. Other than having great characters and a great mystery, the books were an outlet for me in my struggle against depression. Seriously. Whether I couldn't concentrate long enough or hold interest in other writers, I never missed a Monk book. Humor, mystery, and clean, I will miss them. Time to start the rereads, I guess. God's blessings to you, Mr. Goldberg. Not meaning to be maudlin, but you provided some light, enjoyable moments for me during dark times. Thank you--Jeff 

I started Mr. Monk Gets Even yesterday and finished reading it today. Well done. It feels as if at the age of '56' I am laying down a down a good friend who I am going to miss. I periodically will continue to go back and read "Monk" and listen to all the audiobooks I have of each one, probably as long as I live. I fully understand your reasoning and 'why', but I just wanted to tell you that your writings will be GREATLY missed. I would be remiss if I had failed to let you know. . Thank you again for your contributions not only to the writing field, but also for the hours of enjoyment you have brought to this life. -- Greg Souder

Hey Lee, just finished your final book sharing Monk's and Natalie's adventures. Thanks for an amazing ride - you'll definitely be missed!-- Debbie Laskey

Just finished Mr. Monk Gets Even - an awesome ending to a fantastic series! Sad it's over but couldn't put it down. -- J. Wilson

Thank you for writing the Monk books! I had never before gotten into a series of books that were based on a tv show. Once I picked up the first one though, I was hooked! I enjoy the books every bit as much as the show, if not more! -- Celest Elmer

I really enjoyed your books and one of the things I liked best about your writing is that you've given Natalie a snarkiness that was just somewhat implied in the TV show. I like snarky Natalie [...] I read that you are 'retiring' from the novel series but I thought I'd just write and express my appreciation for the fine work you've done with the Mr Monk novels. 

--Danny Chen

There are fun benefits to having seen all the Monk episodes and reading all the Monk books. I just read Mr. Monk Gets Even and really enjoyed the references to past works and shows. And the nod to Diagnosis Murder! Thanks, Lee, for the great journey with you and Mr. Monk!!

-- Ruth Fisher Stoddard

Haven't been this excited since Deathly Hallows. Thanks for an awesome run Lee. I sure do love this series. -- Kelly Choma

I finished Mr. Monk Gets Even today... it was absolutely lovely!! I've thoroughly enjoyed each one in your series - and this one absolutely glows! I appreciate how the characters have continued to grow throughout the series, including Mr. Monk - whether he likes it or not. You've taken such incredibly good care of each one of them. And though I wouldn't have believed I would, I even enjoy the new regular characters. It all just works beautifully! Honestly, before this, I've always scoffed at the idea of book series based on TV shows, but Mr. Monk's absence from TV drove me to give them a chance. Well - you've completely won me over! I've become as big a fan of the Mr. Monk books, as I am the show. Thanks for such a wonderful series - and for keeping Mr. Monk going strong!! - Heather Sikora James

 

Related articles

Mr. Monk and the New Author

My Final Monk

The Mail I Get

I got this question today...

I found you on the net searching for publishing companies , checking out tate etc.. and your name came up on a Review kinda about them.. I was wondering in the blog you mentioned the Lulu and something else.. question I had was... I am looking for a better way to do the same work as this company , it seems my Book is only main stream online not really in alot of book stores at this time.. thus I could do the same myself? you had mentioned Amazon as well..I write about the conflict of life in question , anything from religious and questionable I love to question thinking and one self in question... life whatever can help anyone.. well I can imagine you get alot of mail.. any advice?

Yes. This is going to sound very cruel, but my advice is to go back and take a basic English course. Once you've learned how to construct coherent sentences, and then how to shape them into paragraphs that convey a story, then you can worry about how to publish a book. Judging by your email to me, the biggest problem you have now isn't finding an honest self-publishing company, it's mastering the craft of writing itself. 

 

The Mail I Get - Made My Day Edition

I was very touched and flattered by this email, so I had to share it with you:

I say Thank You for my discovery of reading. That might sound strange coming from a 51 year male whose wife has thousands of books in our house. But I have never read a book since I was forced to in high school, even then I'm not sure I actually did.

While my wife was looking at books at a tag sale my daughter was looking at Mr. Monk is Miserable, she put it down, after my wife purchased several books we were leaving when the man gave my daughter the book. It was very nice of him, but what happened next has changed my life.

My daughter read the book. And when she was done she said, Dad, I know you don't read, but please try reading this book. My wife reads hundreds of books a year and had never gotten me to pick up a book, but when my little girl asked me to, I did. I could not put the book down. It was so easy to read, problem was it was the 7th book. I have a lot of catching up to do. So for my birthday I got book #1, Christmas, books 2, 3, and 4. So reading the acknowledgments I saw your website, and got your email address, and just wanted to say thank you.

You know I'll be getting the rest of the series to read, and after that I'm sure reading is in my future.

Isn't that amazing? I am going to keep this email on my wall so that when the writing gets tough, I'll be reminded of readers like him, stop my whining, and press on.

 

The Mail I Get

I got this solicitation today from a woman I don't know:

I am the owner of this new platform a company that is launching now..

www.menduniversebuzz.wordpress.com

i am looking for some referrals re a writer for a novelization that launches as the prequel book to this universe...

I am half way through with an outline that needs to be re-edited and dialogue added...

full 118 page film script available to work with and my original epic and my team and all else.. I own all the rights to these works - registered at the writers guild etc.

I couldn't make any sense out of the email, so I looked at the site. That was even more incomprehensible (though just as badly written). It appears to be a blog dedicated to some fantasy world she's created and wants to exploit in books,movies, and a store. I think it has something to do with the magic of music, or musical magic, or God knows what. It's a real rambling mess.

It appears what she's looking for is someone to novelize a movie script of an outline of a novel that doesn't yet exist, except as a book proposal and an incoherent blog.

Well, she came to the right guy. I can't think of something I'd rather do or a more valuable use of my time. But darn it, I'm just too busy with other committments to jump at this great opportunity.

So it's all yours. Go for it.

The Mail I Get - Tell My Story Edition

I get lots of emails from folks who want me to write about their lives. I have no idea why, since I don't write biographies. The query I got today struck me as particularly odd.

hello, my name is jeremy XYZ. i have recently been convicted of fraudulant practice. just wondering if you or any other author would be interested in making a book. i am still not found guilty in court. but i am convicted of changing bar codes on products. this is a new trending crime. i am looking to do a tell all, once all court business is taken care of. i am not much of an author, but i feel that i can help someone publish a detailed book with alot of info that will catch readers minds and have them spreading the word. please feel free to call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or e-mail me back. 

I'd call him, but there's a real glut of adventures set in the thrill-packed world of barcode fraud.

The Mail I Get

I got an email the other day from Dan X. He wrote:

I'm trying to become a tv show writer and was wandering if you could help me out.

I replied:

I sure can -- all my best advice is in my book SUCCESSFUL TELEVISION WRITING. http://www.amazon.com/Successful-Television-Writing-Lee-Goldberg/dp/047143168

He replied:

I  was wandering if there was any other way, cause I'm good at creating tv shows but I just need someone like cbs to get ahold of

 

The Mail I Get

I get lots of emails from people who want me to help them sell their TV series ideas. Here are a couple of the most recent ones:

I have created the ultimate tv cop show detective series and I want YOU to write it.  You hardly have to do anything since I've come up with all the stories all ready. Write me at XYZ right away or I will go to someone else. YOU dont want to regret it later.

And another:

I have written the complete bible and full pilot script for a TV series and I need to get it to someone at a major network (ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX) who has the authority to greenlight. I don't live in Hollywood and I don't have an agent but I know what I am doing and this is a great show. If you could pass it up the ladder for me, you would be my first choice to be a writer on the show when it goes to series.

Others just want me to be their penpal. This one was about 1000 words, so I have edited it down some:

I see you have written on some shows I like. Namely Monk, wonderful show. I too am a budding producer/writer/researcher/technology developer/ and game designer... ok Im a bit scattered. I have lots of interests and I explore different forms of media from time to time as it suits me. I am developing a few show ideas..

[...] Im going to be doing a home and garden show. i like to garden and I want to learn about making tv shows. [...] I think doing a garden show first is a good choice. Its popular, easy to keep fresh all year, with plenty to do in each week and not a lot of costs. Hard work, dirt, water and seeds. I dont need a big production crew or any talent. 

[...]I do have one or two 'hollywood' class shows Id like to do. I wont bog you down with details. One is a crime solving forensic science show with a nice story over several seasons I think will do well.

[...] Well, thanks for taking the time to read, if you don't mind, can I add you on linkedIn and corresponde with youfrom time to time about writing novels and creating tv shows and movies?

The Mail I Get

Today it's not my mail, but some that my friend author Joel Goldman received from a self-published author of erotic novels. She offered to swap reviews with him. He decided to play dumb, though he had a pretty good idea where this was going. He asked her:

Are we talking about reading each other’s books before we review them or just posting reviews of them?

And she replied:

Whatever suits you.

I checked out your work and it looks fine and properly formatted. If you want me to read and review it i’ll do it with five stars.

Similarly if you want me to post or reword your review I’ll do that too. What I’m after is a five star review on Amazon with as little work and as quickly as possible. I’m not asking you to read [title of book], I guess you have better things to do.

My first chapter is up there (on line), so you can judge the writing, I can post you a review to submit or reword or a synopsis to save you time.

Joel politely declined. This exchange would be funny if this sort of "review swapping" wasn't so common, especially among newbie authors. Just check out forums like Kindleboards and you'll see for yourself. 

What's really sad isn't how they are devaluing reviews, or how low their literary standards are ("it looks fine and is properly formatted") but that they don't see what's wrong with what they are doing, or how badly leaving rave reviews for books they haven't read (and are probably shit) reflects on their reputations, both as authors and as reviewers.

They simply don't care.

All that matters to them is garnering praise, even if its entirely fake and undeserved. They are so desperate for acclaim, success and respect that they have forgotten all those things have to be earned...and how good it feels when it is. 

And that's a feeling you'll never get from reviews by people who've never actually read your book...or, in the case of John Locke, from people you pay to buy your book and rave about it.

You're not just fooling customers, you're fooling yourself, and that might be the most hurtful swindle of all.

 

The Mail I Get

People seem to think I'm available for hire, and at a moment's notice, too. I get a lot of emails like this one, which I received this morning:

could you please call me ref writing a book...I need help. here is my number: XXX-XXX-XXXX

Then, an hour later:

ok its early. my number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. Dont know if i could afford u but i would gladly pay to have this story portrayed as fiction..and it may save someones life thanks truth IS stranger than fiction

I'm not calling her. Ever. Or responding to her emails (I expect to get more as she awaits the call that will never come).

I also get a lot of variations on the following email:

My Dad is a big, big Monk fan and has read all of your books. Please send him an autographed book or a personalized, signed, chatty note by regular mail, preferably hand-written (NOT a form letter! It must be personal!). He would appreciate it very much. His name is Dave XYZ. Here is his mailing address. Thank you.

What always gets me about these kinds of emails are the very specific demands. My reflex is to ignore bossy emails like this one, particularly ones that want free books (they do know I make my living SELLING books, right??). But I do appreciate Dave's long readership, and don't want to penalize him for his son's "you-work-for-me" attitude. So I sent Dave a handwritten postcard:

Dave,

Mr. Monk says "never eat mixed nuts." Hope you follow his advice and continue to enjoy the books.

Lee 

PS - This card makes a handy bookmark or coaster. Never fold page corners or leave rings on tables.

The Mail I Get - How Not To Solicit A Blurb Edition

I often get asked to blurb books, and it's not unusual for me to get a request from a publisher or editor on behalf of an author I've never met or heard of before. But I have never had a request like this one, which came to me from Greenleaf Publishing through my agent (I have only edited out the name of the author, the title of her book, and a summary of the plot. The grammatical errors, missing apostrophes, etc. are from the original email): 

I’'m writing on behalf of our author X, who counts Lee Goldberg as an influential and inspirational author.  I would love the opportunity to include Lee's name along with a brief endorsement in X's upcoming book from Greenleaf Book Group, XYZ. [...] Below are a few short endorsement suggestions for XYZ.  Of course, Lee can edit any of these as fit or write his own.  Attached is the book’s first two chapters to give you a better idea of X's story.  I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript if you’re interested in reading further. 

I thought it was very nice of her, before I'd even agreed to read the book, to already provide me with endorsements I could just slap my name on. Even better, she granted me the flexibility to edit them as I pleased or, if I really wanted to be daring, to actually come up with some of my own.

Naturally, I was anxious to see the personalized endorsements she'd created for me to lend my name to. I bet you are, too. Here they are:

Suggested endorsements:

X ropes you in from page one and doesn’t let go until the end.  A great read!

Anyone who enjoys fast paced, thrilling mysteries will love XYZ.  You simply won’t be able to put it down!

 Characters you connect with, a driven plot, and suspense make XYZ a book you won’t want to miss!

 From suspense to mystery to romance, X's debut has it all!

 XYZ will captivate you and not let you go until the very end.  It’s a thrilling debut.  I can’t wait for her next book!

Those sound like genuine, heartfelt endorsements to me, ones that truly reflect my unique experience of reading her book. Even if I haven't read it yet. And they are so fresh and creative, too! They also offered me an irresistable incentive.

If Lee provides a testimonial, we will send a signed copy of the finished book as soon as they are made available.

I can honestly say, in all my years in the publishing business, I have never had a publishing company approach me for a blurb and also supply a selection of them for me to choose from. Perhaps that's because Greenleaf isn't a publisher. It's basically a very,very pricey, high-end vanity press. Or, as they put it in their letter to my agent:

If you’re unfamiliar with our company, Greenleaf Book Group is a publisher and distributor best known for its innovative business model.  

Their innovative model is that you pay them buckets of money to publish your book, distribute your book, publicize your book and, apparently, send out really inept, sloppily-written appeals for blurbs. 

The Mail I Get

I get lots of wonderful fan mail from MONK readers. But I also get ones like this:

Mr, Goldberg, thanks for this opportunity to contact you.  First, you have given me great pleasure over the years.  I have bought and read every Monk book, and also own the series.  Monk is one of my favorite characters, and I enjoyed all of your books until recently.

To make this brief,  I'm sorry, but "Mr. Monk is a Mess"  is simply a really lousy book, in my opinion.  I hardly know where to begin.

She then goes on, at great length, to tell me all the reasons why the book didn't work for her on any level, concluding with:

I do thank you for all the great books and T. V. episodes you have given us, But if I can find my receipt, this book will go back, and I am going to watch episodes of Monk to get the bad "taste" out of my mind. I don't know if you will bother to read this (the first time I've ever to an author). But if you do, thank you for the opportunity to air my opinion.

I'm so glad I could give her a chance to vent. But I responded politely:

Thanks for taking the time to share your opinion with me. This is the first email I've received from a reader that has expressed any disappointment with the book. Although you may not think the events in the story were true to the character, Andy Breckman, who created the characters and ran the tv series, heartily approved of everything in the book. I don't do anything in the books without getting his consent first. So we're going to have to agree to disagree on this point :-).  

I often wonder what kind of response a reader who sends an email like that expects from an author. Usually, I don't bother to respond at all. But I was at Costco, waiting for my wife, when I browsed my email, so I had time to kill... UPDATE: The fan responded to my note:

Lee, thanks for your friendly response. I appreciate knowing that Andy Breckman okayed everything (though I do disagree!) Keep writing!

The Mail I Get - Sell My Show Edition

I get a lot of emails from complete strangers with TV series they want me to help them sell. This one is typical:

I am coming into Los Angeles on a trip. If you are free this week, I would like to buy you lunch. I have created a TV series I think you would like. All the scripts are written so all you have to do is sell it.

Is that all? Here's another:

I enjoyed reading your Successful Television Writing book. I have read everything on the subject and yours is superior. I am a writer from Vermont, new to Hollywood, with a fully written TV series in my back pocket. Is there any chance I could buy you lunch some time? XYZ and XYZ are my mentors, if you need references.

If he read my book, then he'd know this is not the way to get your series sold. Not only were the two people he used as references not friends of mine, I'd never heard of either one of them. Turns out one of the guys is among the six credited writers on a Big Tentpole Superhero Movie, the other is a guy who wrote Saturday morning cartoons in the 70s. As mentors go, though, they aren't doing a great job. The first thing they should have told him is not to hit up complete strangers to help you sell your series...and certainly not a guy who hasn't succeeded in getting a series of his own on the air. 

Here's another one, from a "an actor/writer who resides in the Bible belt of the USA":

For the past year I have been working on a series I want to pitch to network. I had an agent that was going to help me out. She asked a producer friend to read the short sizzle script. Producer said it was defiantly worth shopping around, next thing I knew that agent was closing her doors. She couldn’t handle the stress of the biz. Now after talking to a producer in LA that says it is worth shopping around as well. Told to expand it into an hour drama instead of the 30 min one, and get together a budget. [...]I’m currently trying to find a more flexible job in the industry so I can pursue my acting/writing career and looking for a mentor to guide me. I look forward to hearing from you.

I have been in the TV business for over twenty years and I have no idea what a "short sizzle script" is. Maybe I need a mentor to guide me. And if she's already talked to "a producer in LA that says it is worth shopping around," why isn't she busy shopping the project with him instead of contacting strangers like me?

The Mail I Get - No Comment Edition

I got this today. All I have omitted is her address:

Dear Lee!

My name is Inna. I am from Russia. I am very happy write the letter to you!! I am in love in you and your creative!You help me survive when i was in trouble. First I would like to thank you for enjoing you give by writing. Your books realy give relax and happy to readers!!!!You know the best crime book  i read  was called "Face of Evil". So unexpected final!  When i feel bad i think about the work and i fell good myself. It was very very exiting!!!But that would be beautiful to read in in your native language))) Thank you very-very-very much for my the happiest houres with your book!!!!!!  I just want to thank!!! I am a big fan of crime  books sinse i met yours!!! And  now study english for read your book in english!!!I have been studing english for year. I am trying read the book in  english  but only with a diccionary. Bur i have goal and i will do it!!!! I going to know english as a first language))))).Your creative made my life better. I think in the way more positively. By the way there is not much yours book in Russia:((((((i would love to read all your works!!! your creative inspire me very much!!! Thank you for all!!! You are wonderful writer!!! You have so nice name! I saw your photo. You are the most handsome man!!! I wish i live in your country. Then i could meet you and speak with you one day).You are sinshine for me. I respect you very much! When i feel i dont understand an english tense or rule i go to your blog and watch cover of yours works. And i feel how it inspire me!!! Well i believe i will speak fluently english one day)))I would like to ask you for autograph. If you can please send me signed paper please))))) I will be the happiest persone in the earth!!! Thank you for your time. It is very important to me you have read this letter)Please write more so interesting books!!! I would happy to give your work to my child one day. 

Have a nice day.

Best wishes.

Helth, love and happy!!!

my address is XYZ

The Mail I Get - How Not To Solicit A Blurb Edition

I get a lot of strangers asking me to read and blurb their books. What astonishes me is how little effort they put into personalizing their message or making their books sound even the least bit interesting. Here are some examples:

I'm a big fan of your work and preparing to publish my debut novel.  XYZ is 88k words in the mystery/suspense genre and in PDF form now.  A blurb from you would mean the world to me.  If you're amenable, I'll forward the MS to you. 

Oh, well, since it's 88,000 words, I must read it! I love books that are 88,000 words, especially if they are in PDF format. 

I have written a new book XYZ that I am doing indie and need recommendations from famous authors and you are well known. You don't even have to read the book and you will benefit from my sales because readers of my book will then search out yours, so its a win-win. 

So I should blurb a book I haven't read to reap the benefits of the exposure I'll get from being associated with a self-published novel by someone no one has ever heard of.  That's a damn persuasive argument. How could I resist?

I am writing to invite you to review my book, XYZ, which I have just published on Amazon. I got your address from your “Top Reviewer” profile. Please let me know if you are interested.

I actually get a ton of emails like that one from aspiring authors...there must be a form somewhere on Amazon that they can fill out. I wonder how often it works in getting blurbs for them...

The Mail I Get

I received this from an aspiring writer:

Sorry, but I just got taken at PublishAmerica because I was stupid and then I read your blog or whatever they call it. Would you please advise me how you got into publishing your books if not indie? Your publisher is Penguin and that's a high profile publisher but what about us little guys/girls who can't get their foot in the door. I wish you would mentor people because I have almost given up on being published, well I did have something in Playgirl about twelve years ago but that doesn't count because it was on a dare from a friend. My favorite Mr. Monk book is Mr. Monk in Outer Space if that helps grease the palm. Thank and have a great day. Carolyn

It's insanely easy now...so easy, that I have no sympathy for anyone who gets taken by obvious scams like PublishAmerica. 

You can get your book onto Amazon and the Kindle -- worldwide! ---and onto Barnes & Noble and the Nook for free. Yes, for free.  So besides your professionally copyedited manuscript, here is what you need:

1. A cover for your book. You can design one yourself, have a friend do it, or go to any number of talented cover designers out there.

2. Your book, in Word format, formatted into .prc and .epub formats (those are the files used by the Kindle and the Nook) and PDF (the file used for the trade paperbacks published for FREE by CreateSpace and Lulu). You should leave the formatting of your books to the experts or you'll regret it later.

3. Everything you need to know about uploading your books to Amazon you can find here. Everything you need to know about uploading your books to B&N you can find here 

4. Or you can skip steps 2&3 and go to www.Smashwords.com, which will do all of that for you in exchange for a percentage of your sales. I don't recommend that, however, since their automated formatting often makes your book look funky and ultimately that costs you sales. You will, however, need to use Smashwords to get onto the Kobo, Sony, and iPad ebook platforms...and for that, you will need a specially formatted Word file, from a professional formatter, that will cut down on the number of formatting errors Smashwords would otherwise create.

5. To create a trade paperback edition of your book, I would use CreateSpace,a print-on-demand service owned by Amazon. It will cost you nothing...CreateSpace takes their cut from each sale you make. If you let your cover artist and your formatter know that you also want to do a paperback edition, they can give you the special PDF files of the cover and the interior that you will need to upload to CreateSpace to do that.

The Mail I Get

Whenever a new MONK book comes out, I get swamped with lots of mail from fans. Most of it is very kind and I love to get it. But I also get some like these:

i love your books and really want to read them, but my libary's stock of your books are out. any ideas? But if you want to be really nice, you would mail a hardcover copy of your latest book to:
XYZ 
Edison, NJ 08817 

Here's another:

Mr. Goldberg - I am a Monk fan and I love your books. However, you really go too far sometimes with his idiosyncracies. With the pestilence and world destruction when he sees a crack in the sidewalk type of thing. It's really far above and beyond his behavior on screen, and makes for a bad read. I usually have to skip over all those areas, and I find those silly discussions clutter the books and detract from the reading experience. Otherwise, the books are very entertaining. 

And another:

My mother loves your books and gets them from the library all the time. I told her I knew you so please send her a signed copy by March 1 because that is her birthday. Here is her address: XYZ Sign it with your full name and say something clever (You can come up with that on your own). I would like to meet you some day because you are so funny.

 

The Mail I Get

I got this urgent email today. The subject heading was "Very Important Message.': 

Lee, I know you don't know me as well as I don't know you either and you can e-mail me here at this address : XYZ . I just want to ask you how soon can you e-mail me because I have something I really need to ask you and it's very important. It's your show of Diagnosis Murder : The Sins of the Father. What I'm asking you for is the whole summary plot of the second part of the show. Lee, I'm sorry I put this message in here first before I introduced myself, I'm sorry Lee I apologise. Hello, My name is Christopher XYZ and I'd really like to hear from you as soon as possible. I would like to hear back from you about this matter. Lee, Have a yourself a great and wonderful evening. And may God bless you and your whole family with his love and grants you with all of his peace ! Have all of yourselves a Blessed and joyful Christmas ! I look forward to hearing from really soon.

 

I'd left Diagnosis Murder before the "Sins of the Father" episode came along. But I immediately grasped the urgency of the situation and knew that I should probably drop everything I was doing, screen the episode, and write a detailed, minute-by-minute summary for Christopher as soon as humanly possible. Lives could be at stake.

Instead, being  lazy and irresponsible, I googled the episode, found a summary, and sent the guy the link, all in about two minutes. I spent another minute on this grave matter and found the entire episode on YouTube and sent him the link to that as well.

But this left me with a Very Important Message of my own for Christopher...

Have you ever heard of Google?

The Mail I Get

Most of the time, I use this regular feature of my blog to make fun of people who send me really stupid emails or solicitations. Or I use it to answer a good question someone has about publishing or screenwriting. This time it's different. Apparently, I've inspired a very talented writer to hatch an insane scheme. Here's an email I got from author Matt Forbeck:

Just wanted to let you know how you helped inspire me to set off on an insane plan for next year called 12 for '12, in which I plan to write (and then self-publish) a novel a month for the entirety of 2012. I've been sitting on the fence about this for a while, but watching your progress toward self-publishing has been nudging me off.

It finally took the emergence of Kickstarter to shove me over. I set up a drive to help fund the first trilogy of books by taking pre-orders for them. It's going well so far, and I'm looking forward to one hell of a ride for the rest of the year.

Anyhow, thanks again for advocating for authors looking out for themselves and trying new things.

Clearly, Matt is crazy. But maybe it's a healthy insanity, if there is such a thing. I can't imagine writing 12 novels in 12 months by myself ( the Dead Man monthly series that I'm doing with Amazon's 47North imprint is being written with a dozen other writers). 

Matt has already raised over $6000 on Kickstarter, which is more than most publishers are offering as advances these days, so he maybe he is really on to something. And considering how prolific and versatile he is, if any writer can pull this off, it's him.

The Mail I Get

The clueless desperation of some aspiring writers is absolutely cringe-inducing. Here's a recent example from my emailbox:

Hi...I know you are busy...but...would you at least read my bio with a very short paragraph from my novel and give me some suggestion on how to have an agent read something? Please...I am not asking you a lot...I've attached my bio, and if you are interested...please...would you give it to your agent for me? Thank you for taking the time to read.

I politely declined to read her bio or the sample from her book. She didn't take the hint. A short time later she wrote back to me:

Hi Lee, I apologize for bothering you again.. I remember you told me that you didn't want to read my book...but I was wondering if you could give it to your agent to read... It's really important, my true story and I really believe it's a very good one...have a look at my blog at least to be sure I'm good...would you do that?

No, I told her, I would not.

What makes people think that I routinely forward work by strangers to my agent? I don't want my agent spending his time reading work by strangers. I want him out there finding work for me!  

That's not to say I haven't referred writers to my agent. I have. But they have always been good friends or students of mine that I know well and who I can vouch for as writers and as great human beings.  I have never referred strangers to my agent and never will. So don't ask.

The Mail I Get

I received this email this morning. I have removed the author's last name to spare him embarrassment. 

Hello,

My name is Sean L.

I discovered you through J.A. Konrath's blog.

Basically, I'm just getting into the world of self-publishing. I've recently published my first ebook through the Kindle and I'm looking for ways to get my name out there to the masses.

If you're interested in helping me, I have a few ideas.

Thank you for your time!

Regards,

Sean

Here is the reply that I just sent him:

I am so glad that you have some ideas to help me get your name out there to the masses, because I am stumped.

I set everything aside that I was doing this morning, including writing my book that's due on Nov. 1 and my efforts to publicize Amazon/47North's launch of the "Dead Man" series this week, to put some serious thought into how to make you a success, and my mind was just a blank. Maybe that's because you're a complete stranger to me, but that's no excuse for my lack of inspiration.

This is so incredibly frustrating for me since I know how important reaching the masses is for you. But rest assured, I will be devoting the day, if not the entire month, perhaps even the remaining days of my life, to this important task, so please forward to me as soon as humanly possible your  ideas on how I can best promote you.

Lee

His response:

So.....no then?

He may be clueless, but at least he has a sense of humor.

The Mail I Get

I got this email from Mark Sanders, a MONK fan.

I enjoy watching the reruns of Monk and reading your book, Mr. Monk and The Dirty Cop.   Though the personality Natalie had in the book, seemed more like Sharona.   It was a good read, however, I don't think I would have paid the $22.00 cover price.    I got it on sell for $5.00.

I replied:

I'm so glad that you were able to find my book at a bargain price. Of course, that means we'll have to eat beans this week... 

The Mail I Get - Review Bot Edition

I have been getting a lot of  book review requests that I assume are generated by some kind of "review bot" that has mined my name from Amazon. Here's an example:

Dear Lee Goldberg:

I got your name from the list of Amazon Top Reviewers. I’ve written a book, “When The Shadows Began To Dance.” I noticed from your Amazon profile that you frequently review spiritual fantasy books. If you think you might be interested in reading my book and posting an honest review of it on Amazon, I’ll gladly send a complimentary copy if you’ll reply with your postal mailing address. There is no obligation, of course.

Best Regards,

Yamaya Cruz

I have never reviewed a spiritual fantasy book in my life, Yamaya Cruz. So I don't know why you think I would like to read your book, Yamaya Cruz. I hope, Yamaya Cruz, that you didn't spend a lot of money on this ineffective mailing campaign.

I also don't review get-rich-quick books, though that didn't stop me from getting this:

 

Hello Lee:

I got your name from Amazon's list of Top Reviewers. I've written a book, "1-800-Awesome: Tactics for Making $10,000 an Hour" and I noticed from your Amazon profile that you frequently review a variety of book genres. I have read some of your reviews and found them to be thoughtful and well written and I value your opinion.

If you are interested in reviewing my book, please email back and I will send you a free PDF version.  I sincerely appreciate your help.

Thank you!

Chris Rugh

I'm sure Chris has never read one of my reviews. If he had, he'd know this is not a book that would ever appeal to me.  I would much rather read "1-800-Awesome:  Tactics For Not Getting Spammed for Reviews by Dimwit Authors."

Speaking of bots...

My brother Tod, who has been nominated for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize and has many published novels to his credit, recently got a solicitation from Kyle Oakeson, who is trying to raise money to fund a publishing  outfit called CentsPress. The email read, in part:

Hello, 

I found your information from your website/blog. I like your writing, and I thought I would inform you about an upcoming publishing company that I will be starting this year that can help you to make a little change for your work.

[...]CentsPress will be an online marketplace for hobby and novice writers, and it bridges the gap between unpublished or self-published authors and professional authors. Essentially, authors will be able to list an ebook on the website of either a short-story, poetry, or short drama--anything less than 32pgs. Once listed, the work becomes available for purchase by the world. But that's not the cool thing about what CentsPress does. CentsPress is designed around socializing with, tracking, and gathering important input from audiences. 

Right now I'm in the fundraising/financing business stage. I've started a crowd funding campaign online [...]  I encourage you to go check it out. 

To which my brother replied:

Hi Kyle, 

I'm really glad you like my writing. What's your favorite part of my writing? Is it my hobby writing or my novice writing? It's important for me to know before I send you some money.

Tod

To which Kyle responded:

Tod,

Sorry about that, maybe you know of some writers who would take an interest in this project. Obviously it isn't for everyone--anyone who has already been published, like yourself, probably wouldn't take an interest in it...

-Kyle

Then why the hell did you send him your lame solicitation, Kyle? If this is any indication of your attention to detail, and how you will be running your publishing company, you are doomed to failure (but, having seen his pitch, I think he's pretty much doomed anyway).

It never ceases to amaze me how lazy and inept aspiring authors and publishers can be when trying to whip up attention for themselves. There isn't anything quite as lazy and inept as sending a solicitation to someone you claim to be familiar with and yet clearly know nothing about...  

 

 

The Mail I Get

Apparently, as an author, I have an obligation to society to be a creative writing instructor and agent at large for anyone who has written a book. Here's an excerpt from an email I got today:

[...]I haven't been able to get my novel published.  Several notable editors and agents who have seen it were, in their rejections, very complimentary about the writing quality, the plot, etc., etc.  Maybe this was just professional courtesy, though it felt authentic.   I think they just didn't see massive commercial potential, or a referral from a big name.

I do think it's a good book and should be published. And I wonder what you think.

XYZ  is an off-off-beat detective novel. That is, I think it's off-beat in unusual ways, and "on beat" as well.  I hope you'll read it, send me your thoughts on it and, if you really love it or greatly respect it, volunteer an effective connection that could get it published or filmed. 

The manuscript of the novel is attached.

Keep in mind, this lady is a complete stranger. Here's how I replied:

Thank you for your note and your kind words. I'm afraid I just don't have time to read your book and give you comments. I have a novel due on Nov. 1, and I just signed a 12-book deal with Amazon that requires me to deliver a book-a-month. Yes, you read right, a book-a-month. I also do not feel comfortable reading books-in-progress by people who a) aren't close friends or family or b) students of mine in a class, so I have deleted your manuscript unread. I hope you understand.  

She did not. She fired back a one-line response.

It's not a book in progress. It's complete.

So I wrote her back:

Yes, I understand that. What I mean is, it's not a galley of a book that's about to be published. It's an unsold manuscript...and you want a critique, which I don't have the time to do. Nor is it my practice to read unpublished manuscripts sent to me by strangers.

Again, she still didn't get it. She replied:

That's not really what I was after. I don't need a critique.  But never mind. Thanks anyway.

No, that's exactly what she was after. In fact, she wanted that and more. She wanted me to stop what I am doing to read a book from a total stranger, evaluate it, and then pass it along to all the contacts I've made in publishing and film.

I've certainly done that before...the difference is, it's been for family, friends, or students of mine. People that I know, that I have a relationship with, personally or professionally. But who is this woman to me? Nobody.

It just astonishes me how incredibly presumptuous some people can be.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a manuscript to send to Stephen King that I'd like him read, give me his opinion on, and then send to his editor and his contacts at Dreamworks. We've never met, but that doesn't matter. He owes me. I've read some of his books.

The Mail I Get

How not to solicit a review:

The digital galley proofs of my new biothriller XYZ are now ready for review. [...]I am not requesting a complete review, just one to three sentences giving your general opinion of the novel. You probably won't need to read the entire book, just enough of it to to form some general impressions. Of course, if you prefer reading it all the way through in order to write a more complete review, please do.

The Mail I Get

I could write a book on how to communicate ineffectively just by sharing the emails that I get. Here's one that I got today, with the subject "Books":

I run a book review blog. I was wondering if you would be willing to send me a copy of your latest Monk book in return for a review on my blog. Please contact me with your response. Thank you.

Sent from my iPhone

Hell of a pitch. Would have been even better if the dimwit thought to include the name, or perhaps even a link, to his blog.  I also got this email from someone named "E. Belmont" with the subject heading "New TV Show Idea."

I would like to speak to you asap feel free to email me back or call me at 917-XXX-XXXX or 913-XXX-XXXX ok...?

Sent from Yahoo! Mail on my Android

Wow, who wouldn't drop everything he was doing, pick up the phone right away and make a long-distance call to a complete stranger after such a compelling pitch like that? What are you smoking, E. Belmont?

The Mail I Get

Technically, this one didn't come to me, but was about me, so I think it counts. It's mail that my brother Tod got from a fan of mine:

Hey Todd, I am running a contest on my facebook page for a shopping deal I made at the store today! ( I bought a gallon of milk, hemorrhoid wipes and candy, it cost 29 cents) Anyways, would you like to be the judge? I was thinking the prize would be a Mr. Monk book by your brother, I will buy it at the local book store. I think it might be fun to see what creative responses we get. Also, you don't think that your brother Lee would be mad it I gave a Mr. Monk book as a prize do you?

To which Tod politely responded:

Uhm...I'm flattered (I think?) that you'd want me to judge this, but I just don't have the time, I'm afraid. As for the prize...well...I'm inclined to believe that no writer would really want his book being the prize for a bargain spree of candy and cheap hemorrhoid cream, so I'm going to go ahead and say use your best judgment on that one.

The Mail I Get

I have a huge backlog of ridiculous emails to share with you, I just haven't had a chance to go through them. But here's one that just came in moments ago...

Hi, I have read the first four books in your Diagnosis Murder series and loved the story and characters.  I attempt to only have family friendly books in my home and these books met this criteria with the exception of two of the books containing the word God followed by d***.  Can you tell me if any of the last four books in the seriers contain this word?  If not, I cannot wait to order them.

I replied that I've written eight DIAGNOSIS MURDER books and can't honestly recall if or when the word God followed by d*** shows up in them. I don't keep track of individual words or phrases from among the 75,000 words in each book. But if you're so easily offended by the coupling of those two words under any circumstances by any character that you find an entire novel unacceptable as a result, I would play it safe and avoid the rest of the books in the series. Come to think of it, and with no offense intended, you might want to avoid books by Ernest Hemingway, Herman Melville, J.D. Salinger, Sue Grafton, Janet Evanovich, Harper Lee, Joseph Heller, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Bram Stoker, John Steinbeck,. A.B. Guthrie, Arthur Miller, Tennessee Williams, Barbara Kingsolver, Larry McMurtry, perhaps even Mark Twain...heck, if I were you, I'd stay away from just about every book that ever won the National Book Award or the Pulitzer Prize or is considered a classic of literature (not that I am in their league, of course). There's a very high probability that the word God, followed by d*** appears in the majority of them.

The Mail I Get - The Crooks from People Magazine Edition

When my Mom died in November, and we were settling her accounts and subscriptions, we discovered that she'd renewed People Magazine through March 2015. We tried to get the magazine to cancel the subscription and refund the money, but they refused. So now we're getting the magazine here at the house. It's fine bathroom reading, let me tell you. What we couldn't figure out is what possessed my Mom to renew her subscription so far in advance. 

Now we know. She was tricked into it. 

Today, she got a bill from People Magazine, which I found pretty surprising, since my Mom was paid up well into the afterlife. 

Inside, I found an invoice that stated that her minimum amount due is $237.30, that her minimum current payment due is $158.20, and that it must be in by 1/16/11.  You can see the invoice yourself right here (I've redacted her account number and address).

You'll notice that nowhere on the "Summary of Account" does it state that this is simply a renewal offer, that she doesn't actually owe anything, and that her subscription doesn't expire for another four years.

My mother lived on a fixed income. She was tens of thousands of dollars in debt. And she had big medical bills. But I have no doubt that if she was still alive today, as ill as she was with "chemo brain," she would have paid this "bill" thinking that she owed the money and that she'd lose her subscription if she didn't. 

This invoice is an example of reprehensible business practices. You'd think that People Magazine would be required by law to say, clearly and in large letters, that this is a renewal offer and not a bill, that no payment is required at all, and that the current subscription is not in danger of expiring for a few more years.

The people at People Magazine are garden-variety swindlers, preying on the old and the addled, and they should be stopped from engaging in this kind of deception. It's shameful.

Does anybody know which government agency I can complain to about these scumbags? 

The Mail I Get

I got an email from a publicist yesterday. It began:

You've written several wonderful articles on the ways that technology has influenced reading and writing. May I interest you in news around HubPages, an online publishing community, that's generously rewarding writers - with money, readership and recognition?HubPages gives writers a free, search-enabled, online ad-equipped writing platform. HubPages then uses its in-house technology to run the best possible ads within the content, and - shares 60% of the ad revenue with the writer. In its 4th year, HubPages is now in the enviable position of helping writers of various levels make a living through the site. As the publishing industry tries to find a better business model, rewards for writers are getting more and more difficult. Here's a company that is going against the general trend, and is thriving while helping writers earn a living.

Apparently, she hasn't read my blog very closely, because I am the last person you want to pitch with another get-rich-quick scheme for writers. The way Hub pages works, you blog on their site, they load your post full of ads, and when you get hits, you get rich. They also offer to help you hone your writing skills by using feedback from other "hubbers" and taking advantage of their archive of articles on writing. So I took a look at one of their highlighted articles, this one on fighting writer's block.

Participate in the weekly HubMob: Every week, the HubMob team shares a new topic and challenges Hubbers to write Hubs on it! These topics are search-friendly and perfect for getting your writing back on track when you are running out of inspiration.

I guess another benefit of wasting hours of your life writing for Hub pages, so they have content to game search engines with, is getting to use the word "Hub" a lot in your writing and speech. Blogs are Hubs, writers are Hubbers, and I suppose Bullshit is Hubshit. (This reminds me of a producer I once worked for whose secret for writing science fiction was to stick the word "plasma" or "space" in front of everything. If you call a door a a Plasma Door or a Space Door, that makes it science fiction). A hubber left this sage advice in a comment: 

As I mentioned in my last hub if I get a hubbers block, I go out , visit the library, read, go shopping to fill the gap.

You can't get hub wisdom like that anywhere else. So I checked out what other advice this long-time hubber had on how to make Hub pages earn Hub money for Hub me.

Before HubPages, I was a blogger, I started blogging in 2005. I have learned the ins and outs of blogging but never really earn any cents. I knew I am doing something wrong but I don’t know what.

To be honest, my main purpose in writing online is to supplement my income. I have read a lot about full-time bloggers claiming that they support themselves through online writing, apart from blogging they also offer how to become successful through blogging by following what they have written in their e-books, I am sure you have hear about this story too.

[...] I discovered Hubpages in 2007 while looking for job ads at Problogger. I did not hesitate, I sign in at HubPages, which is a user content generated site. Writers are called hubbers and write individual webpages called hubs on any topic. Hubbers earns through Google Adsense which appears on individual hubs and the revenue is split by 60:40. This is achieved by alternating the code used in advertisements: the Hubber's code is displayed 60% of the time, and HubPages' code 40%.

I think it is a fair deal ---well this is good for me. I try to learn everything by reading the Forum, I bookmarked hubs, I keep reading and take notes on tips suggested by Hubbers. I ask questions and learn and get educated.

One of the best advise I have read at HubPages was written by Paul Edmondson (Co-Founder and CEO of HubPages) to write articles about topics that don’t change – and he called it evergreen content. Paul compares writing evergreen content to like owning a bond that pays dividend. The hubber writes the article, then it pays a dividend over a long period of time with traffic to your site. With this in mind, I write my hubs following his advise religiously.

You can see how this Hub master's writing skills have improved over the last four years. She still hasn't learned verb/tense agreement or some grammar basics, but I'm sure another couple of years on Hub pages, with plenty of Hub feedback from Hubbers, she'll get there. But she's already earned a Hub Score of 76 (with 100 being the best) from her fellow Hubbers for this insightful piece. How did she win such praise? Well, that led me to an article titled "How to Get Accolades For Writing on Hub Pages" from a guy who has written 100 posts for Hub Pages:

How to get accolades for writing in HubPages came from a reader's question. I was asked the following question, how to get accolades for HubPages? The question is from Hubber pandyprashant. Firstly thank you for the question, that is an accolade in itself. The first two points I would like to make I think are fairly obvious. Firstly you shouldn't write on HubPages with the goal of getting accolades and secondly if your content is worthy it will receive accolades organically. I have written a hub about praise and that best explains I think how to give and receive praise.

With Hub writing skills like that, I'm sure he'll be heaped with accolades...not to mention Hub money from all those Hub ads (though how much he's earned is one Hub nugget of Hub information he doesn't Hub provide). For that, I checked out a hub on "How to Get Started Earning Money on Hub Pages." I knew this article had to be good, because it got a score of 100 from Hub Pages.

Earning money on HubPages is not going to come easily, you are going to have to work for it. You are going to have to put some time into is as well, possibly several hours per day in the beginning. Anything worthwhile takes time and effort, you will find that perseverance pays off. You wouldn’t expect to go to a job and do nothing while being paid a wage would you? Look at HubPages as being a new job. What do you do at a new job?

Are you a full timer? Did you want to start your job as a full time employee? Remember in the working world most full time jobs are 40 hours per week. The benefit of writing at HubPages is you get to pick and choose the hours you work, and break them up as you find necessary. So you can spread that 40 hours over a period of 7 days if you wish. Spending about 5 ½ hours per day on writing.

[...]The benefits of writing on HubPages for a new person is just this. You learned how to write in school and are able to string some words together that make perfect sense. You have good ideas and want to put them to use. At first with any job you will find that your work isn’t perfect. Most companies allow you a ‘do over’, they don’t expect anyone new to get it perfect the first time. HubPages is the same, they allow you to go in and edit your work to make it better. To get your feet wet with writing, you are allowed to write about anything you wish. That’s kind of like getting a factory job and being allowed to run any machine you want to, how great is that?

Hub allows you to write anything you wish. That really is amazing. Sort of like what I am doing right now without the Borg, er, the Hub.  I like her factory analogy, too, but more on that in a moment.

She goes into great length on her hub about how to maximize your posts for Goodle Adsense and search engines...things you can do on your own blog without having to share any of that revenue with your blog host or with Hub, those folks who so graciously let you write whatever you want.

She doesn't say anything about how much she is actually earning for all of this effort to make money for Hub pages. The closest she gets is this:

The money will come in time, it’s not something you will find overnight. Just keep writing, continue to improve your writing skills and read the Hubs of others. There are Hubbers writing Hubs about writing. Go meet them, read what they have to say.

Ah yes, all that valuable Hub feedback. That really is worth more than money, isn't it? That Hub love is the real reward.

Basically, Hub Pages is a writing mill...where they get you to write content for free that they use game search engines and generate ad revenue for themselves. You get a percentage of that revenue, which might earn a few pennies for you (if you're very, very lucky), but with 200,000 users, that adds up to real dollars for Hub. You make the pennies, they make the dollars. You are free labor...rats running on a wheel kept happy and engaged by meaningless accolades of other "hubbers" and sense of membership in a community. It's a shrewd way to run a sweatshop and fool the workers into thinking they're not being exploited. But it's still just a food pellet. 

You can write the same essays, post them on your own blog and load it with ads...and earn 100% of the ad revenue instead of just a percentage. The downside? Hub doesn't earn money off of your back, you won't be able to communicate in Hub talk or get those meaningful Hub accolades. But you can always create your own language. Mine is Lee talk. You just stick my name in front of everything. That is the end of this Lee (a blog) and I hope all of you Lee-ees (readers) have found it Lee interesting (that's really interesting, in the Lee-sense of the word).

UPDATE: An angry hubber who asked me not to quote her hubmail sent me this hub  link to some Hub pages Hub success stories. Of course, they don't reveal what percentage of all Hub users are earning as well as those folks... or how much more money these atypical hubbers might have earned off of those same posts by cutting Hub pages out of the equation, putting them on their own blogs and using Google Adsense, Amazon, etc.  

It's also interesting how these few successful Hubbers refer to their ad revenues as "passive" income I guess no work went into writing the 500-600 blog posts they had to write to earn that money. It's that sweat equity that Hub pages is making all of their money from. They are the only ones who are consistently making money, even off the posts that don't earn much for the individual writers. 

The guys running Hub have 200,000 people writing free content for them to game search engine with and make money off advertising.  Getting other people to do the work for you while you earn money off their labors, now that is real passive income and a genuine money-making opportunity.

The Mail I Get - How to Make Money From Dumb Authors

I have been inundated lately with invitations to submit my books to the London Book Festival, the Paris Book Festival, the San Francisco Book Festival,  the New England Book Festival, the Hollywood Book Festival, the New York Book Festival, the Beach Book Festival, the Nashville Book Festival  and several others.

They sound prestigious, don't they?

What these "Festivals" all have in common is that they have the same entry requirements and the same entry fees.

That's because they are actually all contests run by Bruce Haring's  JM Northern Media and are, as the Miss Snark Literary Agent Blog aptly put it, "a crock of shit." Here are the details, for example, for the the 2011 Paris Book Festival:

The 2011 Paris Book Festival will consider entries in general non-fiction, fiction, biography/autobiography, children's books, cookbooks, compilations/anthologies; e-books; genre-based, how-to, photography/art, spiritual, music, teenage/young adult, unpublished stories and the wild card (anything goes!) categories published on or after Jan. 1, 2006.  
 
Entries can be in French, English, Spanish, German or Portuguese and can be published, self-published or issued by an independent publishing house.  
 
Our grand prize for the 2011 Paris Book Festival is $1500 cash and a flight to Paris for our gala awards ceremony on May 14, 2011 OR a flight to San Francisco, CA and a similar cash grant for our San Francisco Book Festival awards on the same date.

[...]Applications must be accompanied by a non-refundable entry fee via check, money order, credit card payment or PayPal online payment of $50 in U.S. dollars for each submission. Multiple submissions are permitted but each entry must be accompanied by a separate form and entry fee. Entry fee checks should be made payable to JM Northern Media LLC.

So let's examine those very discriminating rules. They will consider any book, published or unpublished, in almost any conceivable genre, written in one of five languages in the last five years. And you can enter the same book in as many categories as you want, as long as you keep writing checks for $50 to JM Northern each time.

That tough, rigorous criteria should tell you something about how prestigious and highly selective these "awards" and  "festivals" actually are. 

But if that isn't enough, look at what the winner of the Paris Book Festival will get... $1500 bucks and a trip to Paris OR  "a similar cash grant" and a trip to San Francisco. You'll also notice that they don't tell you where exactly this "festival" is being held. 

So I guess if you win the Paris Book Festival prize for your unpublished, 2007 collection of viking transgender time-travel poetry written in Portuguese....your prize could be $107.68 (which is similar to $1500 in that it's money) and a ticket to San Francisco (which is like Paris, in that it's a city) for the Festival which, for all you know, is being held at a Denny's in Daly City. Order the Grand Slam, it's tasty.

It amazes me that anyone falls for this, especially since winning an award at one of these "festivals" carries no prestige whatsoever, either in the publishing world or the entertainment industry. Or, as Miss Snark put it way back in 2006:

This is like being elected prom queen in a high school with six girls.

These kinds of "awards" are the latest crock of shit way to separate you from your money. They only need a couple suckers to make this thing profitable.

But JM Northern has been running these contests for years....which I suppose means that there's still lots of money to be made from stupid authors, hungry for even meaningless recognition. 

The Mail I Get - The MFA Cult Edition

I got this email today from Ian Poole:

Dear Mr. Goldberg

I work for Hillary Rettig, a productivity coach, workshop leader, activist and author, and wanted to send you her article on MFA Programs. It can be found on her website at http://hillaryrettig.com/blog/.

Thank you very much for taking a look over it, and I hope that you will share it with your readers.

There is lots more information on her Website, including a free ebook on overcoming procrastination and writer's block, so please check it out.

Sincerely,

Ian Poole

Rettig has been working very hard to create as much attention for her overwrought Huffington Post article, "A Million Exploited MFA's: How James Frey Benefits from MFA Programs' Willingness to Sell Out Their Students,"  as she can so that you'll also check out her books, articles, lectures, coffee mugs, t-shirts, fragrances, tampons, breakfast cereals and whatever else she's selling. Her effort has reached comical proportions as this video, which I also received today, makes hilariously clear:

 

The Mail I Get: Suspenseful Ethics Edition

I got an email this morning from Suspense Magazine. It read:

Suspense Magazine has sent you a book recommendation!

Blood on His Hands by Mark P. Sadler

Suspense Magazine says, "Great book! Now available on Amazon Kindle."

Check it out!"

So I did.  The link sent me to Goodreads, and a four star, rave review for BLOOD ON HIS HANDS from Shannon Raab at Suspense Magazine. It read, in part:

A hunt for payback—predator vs. prey—is the underlying electrical current coursing through this colorful debut thriller by Mark Sadler. [...]Not for the faint of heart, “Blood on his Hands” can make your stomach roll as well as a roller coaster while Sadler zigzags you on a frenzied chase across the country.

That may be the strangest, most non-sensical blurb I've ever read, but that aside, what's really interesting about the review is that it's from the co-publisher of Suspense magazine, which also counts Sadler among their reviewers.

In other words, Suspense Magazine is praising and recommending a book by one of their own reviewers. So I asked Sadler about it:

Suspense Magazine is reviewing and recommending (via emails to its Goodreads followers) a book written by one of its own reviewers. Isn't that a huge conflict-of-interest? 

Sadler took offense, firing back:

They reviewed my book and then asked me to be a reviewer as they liked my style - you should check out the dates before you start throwing around accusations. Mark

So I replied that I wasn't making an accusation, but rather asking a question, one that I thought was valid. I went on to say:

Given that you are now reviewing for Suspense, it probably wasn't a wise idea for Suspense to send out an email recommending your book, regardless of whether it was reviewed prior to you becoming a reviewer for them.

I got an astonishing reply from Sadler that raised the ethical discussion to a whole new level. He wrote:

Again check your facts.. they liked the book so much they published it as an e-book and generally recommend all the books their reviewers write..we would not be great reviewers if our publication didn't like us.. and we are all doing it for free so I dont get your point..

I had to do a double-take when I saw that. Suspense Magazine is reviewing (and recommending) a book that they published that was written by one of their reviewers? And Sadler objected to my question about a possible conflict-of-interest? 

So I checked out Suspense's website and discovered that they are offering a new twist on self-publishing.

Suspense Magazine is excited to announce the opening of Suspense Publishing, a place where authors can get their book published for far less than traditional self-publishing houses. Suspense Publishing will bring the power of Suspense Magazine to its authors. We will help them market their book successfully, not by just giving you—the author—the tools to market your book, but we actually work for you to market your book.

[...]It is true that we will not publish your book in paper format, we are an EBook publisher. We are also a major magazine with a huge marketing presence.[...]Our publishing company takes the power of Suspense Magazine, an internationally read magazine, and puts your book in front of hundreds of thousands of people that read the genre that you are writing!

In other words, Suspense Magazine will use their publication to promote the work of their authors...including having their reviewers, who are apparently Suspense authors themselves, review Suspense books without acknowledging that they are also Suspense publications. Not surprisingly, the two most recent titles published by Suspense Publishing -- Terri Armstrong's MORNING MENACE and Starr Reina's IN THE NAME OF REVENGE  -- won praise from Suspense Magazine.  For MORNING MENACE, Suspense raved:

The intensity and inclusion of a character tangled in her own neurosis keeps the pages turning and the unexpected ending will surprise even the most adept amateur crime- solvers.

And for IN THE NAME OF REVENGE, Suspense proclaimed:

A new star has arrived in the writing world bringing readers a gripping tale peppered with unexpected bits of humor as the cast of characters and twisted turns unfold.

They claim aspiring authors who engage their services can "use the power and strength of Suspense Magazine to reach millions of readers." Really? Do they honestly believe Suspense reaches millions of readers? That would mean they are reaching more than Forbes (921,000 readers),  Newsweek's (1.6 million) or Vanity Fair (1.7 million).  I'd never heard of the magazine until I went to Bouchercon and met the publishers, John and Shannon Raab.

The Raabs seemed like nice, well-intentioned folks, who genuinely love the mystery, horror and suspense genres. But their magazine won't have much credibility in the marketplace, or in the publishing industry, if they don't follow the most basic ethical standards...and if they use their magazine as a promotional tool for the authors who pay them to package their ebooks.  

It's basic ethical conduct in journalism to try to avoid conflicts-of-interest and to disclose them when they are unavoidable. In this case, the conflicts are totally avoidable. Suspense Magazine needs to disclose when the books that they are reviewing are published by them and/or written by one of their reviewers. The magazine's readers need to know when the critics who are reviewing Suspense's books are also other Suspense authors. It means they have a bias. It's journalism 101, folks. Doing otherwise undermines the validity and objectivity, and certainly the professionalism, of the entire magazine.

My sense was that the Raabs want their magazine to be taken seriously in the field...and it won't be with such loose ethical standards. 

Bookpros is Booksleazy

Now that it's possible to get your book published for free, you'd think the vanity presses would just fold their tents. But there are still some out there, hoping to snag the few remaining suckers. One such company is Bookpros, also known as Turnkey Press, Ovation Books, Synergy Books, Bridgeway Books, and Phenix & Phenix Literary Publicists...and probably some names I don't even know about. They've billed themselves in the past as  "an author-funded traditional publisher," meaning they are a vanity press that wants to confuse newbies into thinking they're something else. Their crack publicists recently sent me a press release that read, in part:

I noticed you cover self-publishing topics from time to time, and I thought you might be interested in a trend piece on the evolution of self-publishing. [...] With the promise of in-store distribution and full-service publicity campaigns, BookPros’ authors have easily competed at a national level. In the seven years since their founding, they have had eight bestsellers and have received more than 50 prestigious industry awards for editing and design. Many of their titles have been picked up by major commercial publishers, while others have attracted the interest of movie producers. BookPros offers a unique author-funded approach to publishing, giving authors access to quality editing and design, real in-store distribution and award-winning publicity.

Of course, they don't mention any of their "bestsellers' by name nor any of the "prestigious industry awards" that they've won because you wouldn't recognize any of the books nor any of the awards. Saying that their books have "attracted the interest of movie producers" is so vague that it's utterly meaningless. But empty boasts like that are typical in the vanity press biz.

What's truly special about this come-on is that they are touting their "unique author-funded approach" -- as if they are the first people to come up with the idea of charging writers outrageous sums of money to print their books. That's chutzpah (and almost as ridiculous as vanity press huckster Brien Jones' claim in his bio at Jones Harvest Publishing that he "pioneered the concept of selling self-published books to bookstores." Yeah, right, Brien, nobody ever thought of that before).  

At this point, anyone foolish enough to go with a vanity press as blatantly sleazy as this one deserves no sympathy.

The Mail I Get

I got home from Bouchercon and found this email waiting for me.

Fan of Monk the series, don't care at all for your books. 

What about a spinoff? Randy and Sharrona got married, right.  Why not do a show about them and his new job.  I think this would be a good idea especially with all the special guests.  Randy was a good detective with Barney personality and Sharrona was a good investigator/assistant.  I can see a lot of good shows for them.  Don't forget Benji-Hawaii trip episode. 

Just a thought.

             Nancy

I'm a fan of readers, don't care at all for you or your dumb ideas. What about next time you write to someone, you don't start off by insulting them? Just a thought.

 

The Mail I Get

I guess this guy, who calls himself a "Marketing and Business Development Expert," didn't read my previous post about inept solicitations from self-published authors...(I've changed the name and link to save the author from embarrassment)

My name is X and I am inviting you to view a few chapters of a soon to be released classic. It's a controversal memoir about race, class and pursuing the American Dream. Let me know what you think. XYZ.com. Please forward the link to someone else who may benefit from it.

I especially appreciate his modesty. 

The Mail I Get - Dimwit Aspiring Writers Edition

Here are some great examples of how not to promote your self-published book. These are actual emails that I received from complete strangers. I have removed the book titles and the names of the authors to save them embarrassment.

My third novel, XYZ. is now available for review. If you would like a review copy, I will gladly send you one.

Why would I care if his book was available for review? Why would anyone when this guy can't even be bothered to tell us what the hell his book is about? I'm sure when his book bombs, he'll be totally baffled by its failure. The same goes for this guy:

My novel 'XYZ' is now available on Amazon's Kindle (PC, Mac, Blackberry, Android, Iphone, Ipad) It is also available directly from me as a pdf file @ XYZ. The paperback edition will be available next week on Amazon. Let me know what you think!

Why would I do that? I don't know him and I don't know anything about his book. Does he think that I have nothing better to do than download unidentified crap from total strangers? If this is his idea of brilliant promotion, just imagine what his idea of compelling drama is.  A week or so later, he sent me another email:

I wrote XYZ as pure entertainment.Sure, it's a vampire story. But it's set in Las Vegas, and it's told in short, cliffhanger chapters full of dialog and action. Just read the first 4 chapters (like I said, they're short), and if you're NOT hooked, then let me know and I'll leave you alone.

He still thinks I care.  You'd think my total lack of response would be a subtle hint that I don't and never will. But a least this time he's said a little something about his book. Nothing that would make any sentient being want to read it, but still, he made a slight effort. Unlike, say, this woman:

My book XYZ is out. You can buy it here (XYZ). Please promote it on your blogs and sites.

Of course I will. But why stop there? Could I also pass out fliers on your behalf? Or maybe make some cold calls? Let me know. I am at your service.

The Mail I Get

Here's just a sampling of some of  the "offers" and questions I've received lately. I've changed the names and other identifying info to spare the senders any embarrassment...

Hi,  I came across your site while surfing the web. I've decided that episodic TV is where I need to be. I have written an original pilot, including title bible and summaries of every episode of the first season, as well as a couple of spec scripts.[...]Panelists at a seminar I attended suggested I get a mentor or three. Is there any chance of me talking with you for a few moments one day, just to pick your brain on the industry? Hope to hear from you. Please call.

Here's another:

I can't write but I have a terrific idea for a book that I have outlined in detail. I have selected you to be my co-writer because I am such a fan of your work. I love MONK! Please contact me at your earliest convenience so I can tell you more details (I don't want to share this great idea in an email for obvious reasons!!!).

Here's another:

I am a writer with two self-published books that are under the radar but would make great movies. If you would be interested in making them into movies I will send them to you.

That was the whole message, by the way. Here's another:

Mr. Goldberg, I'm not asking a favor really-at least I don't think so. I'm asking because I enjoy your MONK and DIAGNOIS MURDER so much. I stumbled on an interesting investagation when I got hold of an old newspaper that was in the bottom of a box I bought at an auction sale [...]This is just a brief bit of info I've collected etc. Question: any suggestions on doing a story about this by changing names etc?

Here's my favorite of the bunch:

I found you on the interweb and only seek your help or therapeutic solace if you are entertained or amused by any of my efforts. I'm an Art Director for Video Games who, needing an impossible challenge, has to make a sitcom. I cast actors and shot a pilot, which you can see here: XYZ. By the later shots I was getting smarter. Editing out the 'not going anywhere self indulgent cleverness' and collecting comments taught me a lot too. Better writing and production help are next. And not casting a slacker actor. Besides writing characters you care about because they care about something, do you have any advice for me?