A Writer's Life

Editorial Guidance

My Uncle Burl Barer is an Edgar-award-winning author of a dozen books but that doesn't make the job of writing any easier...in fact, he's having some trouble with is current project.

There is something not right about my current book in progress, and it is driving me crazy. [...] So far, at the request of my editor, I've done a complete restructuring of the book, and still it doesn't "sing." Tomorrow I'm calling "headquarters" - the executive editor -- and consulting on what I need to do to make this baby at least hum.

Thankfully, Burl has something most self-published authors do not... an experienced editor provided by the publisher at no charge to him.

Editors are the inspired clergy of the literature religion. They comfort, admonish and encourage. They bring out the diamond potential in our prolix lumps of coal. I am blessed with the editors at Kensington Publishing, headed by the resilient and insightful Michaela Hamilton. Mike Shol is currently editing the manuscript of Fatal Beauty, and it is all coming together. Whew. I pity authors who don't have the blessing of a world-class editor. I've been very lucky. My first book, THE SAINT: A Complete History was edited by Steve Wilson at McFarland & Co. I doubt I would have snagged the Edgar were it not for his guidance. One of the tragedies of self-published (ie self-printed) books is often the lack of editorial guidance, not to mention the lack of sales.

Sadly, many "self-published" authors have gone the vanity press route because they believe their work is perfect "as-is" and reject any suggestion that their book may be flawed in some way (which is one reason why the self-publishing companies are known as "vanity presses"). These aspiring authors don't recognize the importance of editing and rewriting, of having an experienced, and objective, outside perspective on their work. All they are interested in is seeing their book "in print" as quickly as possible without having to "jump through all those hoops" or letting anyone meddle with their "artistic vision." And that's why so much of what is self-published out there is unreadable slop.

My Sisters' Exciting New Project

My sisters Linda Woods and Karen Dinino are close to finishing up their third art book, one that is likely to be even more successful than their bestselling VISUAL CHRONICLES and JOURNAL REVOLUTION. It includes art by Jann Arden, Amanda Palmer, Rosie O'Donnell, Jen Foster, Sarah Bettens, SHeDAISY, Marnie Woodrow and more. Here's a peek.

You Can Be a Kindle Millionaire, Part 7

Can you tell a book by its cover?

The original, St. Martin's Press cover for my 1997 novel BEYOND THE BEYOND was horrible. It was a giant penis bursting out of a TV set against a piss-yellow background. I'm not kidding. You can see it here. I know for a fact that it killed sales. I was sent on a national book tour and everywhere I went, the booksellers said "we can't stick that book in our window, there's a penis on the cover!"

So when I did the Kindle edition, I asked my talented and wildly creative sister Linda Woods, a professional artist and author (Journal Revolution: Rise Up & Create! Art Journals, Personal Manifestos and Other Artistic Insurrections), to design a new cover in the same style as the one she designed for the Kindle edition of my first book, My Gun Has Bullets (which also had a horrible St. Martin's cover when it was first published). BEYOND THE BEYOND is a sequel to MY GUN HAS BULLETS, so I thought some consistency was a good idea. Isn't that what branding is all about?

But while the Kindle sales for MY GUN HAS BULLETS have been brisk, the sales for Beyond the Beyond are flat. The culprit? I think it was the cover...again. It mayhave looked too much like the cover for My Gun Has Bullets and might have been confusing people into thinking it was the same book. 

So Linda has tweaked the cover for me. It's the one on the right. It will be interesting to see if a new cover makes a difference... 

Then again, maybe it's the book that sucks!

My Gun Has Bullets

My acclaimed, long out-of-print debut novel MY GUN HAS BULLETS is now available on the Kindle with a terrific new cover by my sister Linda Woods (I wish the book had this cover when it first came out). And this new edition wouldn't be possible if it wasn't for Dan Williams, who volunteered to scan the book...and he even cleaned up the formatting problems. Thank you, Dan!

Here's the book-jacket copy (which hasn't shown up yet on the Amazon listing):

The Mob is bringing its style of doing business to television. They don't cancel TV series. They kill them.

When Beverly Hills Police Officer Charlie Willis pulls over a speeding Rolls Royce hell-bent for Neiman Marcus, he’s surprised to see Esther Radcliffe, the geriatric star of the TV series "Miss Agatha," behind the wheel. He’s even more surprised when she guns him down and keeps on driving. A few hours later, he wakes up in the intensive care unit…to find a William Morris agent, a network president, and the head of Pinnacle Studios standing at the foot of his bed. They have a proposal for him: in exchange for conveniently forgetting who shot him, they’ll make him the star of his own series, "My Gun Has Bullets." So Charlie trades in his real badge for a fake one…and so begins an uproarious but deadly romp through the wonderful world of TV make-believe…with real bullets. To make it to sweeps week, Charlie will have to survive two homicidal stuntmen, a rabid celebrity dog, a hit man-turned-producer, a psychotic old lady, a sex-crazed blackmailer, and vicious ratings…with only a stunning, leather-clad "Baywatch" beauty to help him. 

“It will make you cackle like a sitcom laugh track. Goldberg keeps the gags coming right up to the end.”—Entertainment Weekly 

"It's Bullets Over Baywatch!" USA Today “A very funny novel…a pinch of Carl Hiaasen, a dash of Donald Westlake, and a heaping portion of avarice and inanity Hollywood Style. It’s boffo!”—Thomas Gaughan, Booklist

 "'My Gun Has Bullets' takes aim and hits the bull's eye of all good satire -- the truth," Howard Gordon, Executive Producer, "24"

"Lee Goldberg has written a winner!" —Stephen J. Cannell, executive producer/creator "The A-Team," "21 Jump Street," and "The Rockford Files."

"'My Gun Has Bullets' has an outrageous, laugh-til-you're-sick scene seemingly on every other page." —Dan Petrie Jr. Oscar-nominated screenwriter of "Beverly Hills Cop" 

“A rousing send-up of everything and everyone in the world of show-biz.”—Judith Kreiner, The Washington Times 

"Hilarious, suspenseful, action-packed...its band of merry, and not so merry, homicidal maniacs may be the greatest cast ever assembled," Warren Murphy, Edgar Award winning author/creator of the "Remo Williams: Destroyer" series

"The giddiest debut of the year!" Kirkus Reviews

Uncle Burl Barers All

Carl Brookins recently interviewed my Uncle Burl Barer, the Edgar Award-winning author of such true crime bestsellers as MOM SAID KILL and MURDER IN THE FAMILY. It's a fun interview. Here are some excerpts: 

What’s the hardest thing about being an author? Making money.

What surprised you the most when you became a published author?

I was surprised that authors don't have groupies such as the ones who pursue rock stars and famous actors, or even disc jockeys. Never be an author to pick up chicks.

Have you ever collaborated on a novel? Would you consider it?

Yes, I collaborated on a novel (unpublished) with someone who wasn't a writer. I would love to collaborate with someone who is a writer. I did contribute to one of Lee Goldberg's pulp fiction novels that he wrote under an assumed name. I helped him with one of the sex scenes. He was, at that time, not as experienced with that topic as he has since, no doubt, become. When his Nana complained that the book was nothing but sex and violence, Lee wisely shifted the blame to my brother and me. My brother deflected criticism by insisting that he only helped Lee with the legal/courtroom scenes. When Mom called me, she asked How could you pervert your little nephew that way? I told her Mom, I only helped him write one sex scene, honest! She replied, It was the one with the ice-cream wasn't it? She was right. It was.

Mysterical-E is Tied In

Gerald So's column at Mysterical-E today is an appreciation of media tie-ins. He writes, in part:

A common misconception is that tie-ins are poorly or quickly written, and while some have seemed that way to me, as my reading tastes have matured, I've been able to choose better-written material. What makes me personally pick up a tie-in novel or comic book these days? The author has to have some experience writing for the original medium and the new one, as Monk novelist Lee Goldberg has with USA Network's Monk. Because Goldberg has written for the show, and because he is a novelist in his own right, he's well suited to bring Monk to the page.

[...]In some ways, tie-in writing is more difficult than creating characters and a story from scratch. Tie-in writers have to deliver the best of both worlds: what the existing fan base enjoys about the original concept and what the new fan base expects from the new concept. For example, Tod Goldberg's first tie-in, Burn Notice: The Fix delivered the wry spycraft from the TV show but also delivered an intricate plot better suited to a novel than to TV's usual 44 minutes.

Thanks, Gerald!

My Quotable Family

Coming from a family chock full of writers and journalists means we all know how to give a good quote to a reporter. My Uncle Stan Barer, a University of Washington regent, was asked by the Seattle Post Intelligencer to comment on the severe funding cutbacks the university is facing from the state.

"We take better care of our prisoners than of our students," UW Regent Stanley Barer said Thursday. "Maybe we ought to have prisoners stay here at night so that we can get the money."

Dreams Coming True

Illustrating Stories has posted an interview with my sister Linda Woods, who shares a frequent lament I hear from writers...

"The challenge for me is balancing the business side of my career with the creative side. There doesn't seem to be enough time to ever get caught up!" 

On the other hand, like many writers I know, she also talks about how lucky she is to be doing what she loves.

"I'm really fortunate that a lot of my creative dreams have come true already. There have been many moments in my career when I have thought OK, I CAN DIE NOW! "

That has been so true for me and for my brother Tod, with whom I've enjoyed many of those "dream come true moments"  chatting together with one of our literary idols. I'm so glad that it's happening for Linda, too.

Lee Says Buy

My Uncle Burl's latest true crime book MOM SAID KILL comes out on Oct. 7th and is available for pre-order. Lee says buy.

Who Is The Short Bald Stranger There, Maverick is the Name...?

John McCain's claim of being "the original Maverick" prompted Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mark Brown to recall fond memories of the TV series MAVERICK...and to seek out the sage advice of my Uncle Burl Barer, the author of THE MAKING OF MAVERICK :

I mentioned to Barer how McCain was using "The Original Maverick" as a campaign slogan, causing my initial confusion with Garner having played, Bret, the first Maverick, which I cleared up when I remembered his brother Bart, the other Maverick.

"Yes, you mean Jack Kelly," Barer said.

Jack Kelly?

"Jack Kelly played Bart Maverick," Barer said.

It wasn't John McCain?

"No."

Then which of the Maverick brothers did McCain play?

[...] he patiently explained that at various times Maverick starred Garner as Bret, Kelly as Bart, Roger Moore as Beau and Robert Colbert as Brent -- the poker-playing Maverick brothers. But never McCain.

"It wasn't, 'Who was the short bald stranger there?' " Barer said, playing off the opening stanza from the theme song about a tall, dark stranger.

MAVERICK was a great show back in the 1950s and holds the unusual distinction of being the only vintage TV series revived three times on three networks in three years...ABC's THE NEW MAVERICK, CBS' YOUNG MAVERICK, and NBC's BRET MAVERICK...all in the early 1980s.

My Uncle Does a Very Good Thing

The Puget Sound Business Journal reports that my Uncle and Aunt, Stan & Alta Barer, have just made a generous donation to the University of Washington to establish The Barer Institute for Law & Global Human Services:

University of Washington Regent Stanley Barer and his wife, Alta, have pledged $4 million to the UW's School of Law to establish an institute to improve human services around the world.

The Barer Institute for Law and Global Human Services aims to use binding legal agreements, such as compacts, treaties and foreign aid agreements, to coordinate efforts to address social problems.

Lives saved will be the institute's measure of success, said Stanley Barer, an owner of Seattle's Saltchuk Resources Inc., a marine transportation company. The institute will focus primarily on poor areas that lack education, health services and economic opportunities, he said.

"I think it is now in our best interests to think about safety nets globally," said Barer, who is also the chair of the UW's Board of Regents.

I think my Mom and my Uncle Burl may try to convince my Uncle Stan that a contribution to them would also enhance global safety. As for me, Saltchuk just snapped up the cargo operation of the now-defunct Aloha Airlines, so I think I'm going to ask Uncle Stan if we can send ourselves to Hawaii as freight this summer.

Joking aside, I think my late grandfather David Barer, who immigrated to this country as a child from a village in Russia and sold scrap metal in Walla Walla, would be so proud that his son was able to do this...I know I am.

We Are Family

The Goldberg siblings were out in force signing our latest books at the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. Tod and I were signing at the Mystery Bookstore while my sisters Linda Woods and Karen Dinino were over at the Borders booth. As usual, women threw their underwear at Tod and me while my sisters were deluged with cakes made by their fans. The cool Goldberg kids are wearing shades. Afterwards, Tod  hid out from Dr. Laura, who has been emailing him since he besmirched her on his blog, while my sisters were busy stalking Julie Andrews, who was taking the necessary precautions. I took the high road and had a cheeseburger with my daughter.

My Sistahs

My sisters Karen Dinino and Linda Woods, authors of the bestselling books VISUAL CHRONICLES and JOURNAL REVOLUTION, can teach you to be an artist. All it takes is an ironing board, a glue stick, and a little imagination.

Join the Journal Revolution

My sister Linda and Karen's "Journal Revolution" has been selected as a Typepad Featured Blog. The blog is an outgrowth of their soon-t0-be published book of the same title, the sequel to their bestselling VISUAL CHRONICLES. Rosie O'Donnell, who had my sisters on THE VIEW, wrote the introduction. Check it out!

Journal Revolution

JOURNAL REVOLUTION, the new book by my sisters Linda Woods and Karen Dinino, is now available for pre-order on Amazon. It's the follow-up to their best-selling debut VISUAL CHRONICLES, which landed them a six minute segment on THE VIEW:

Journal enthusiasts of all levels will learn how to cut through the daily clutter in their minds to access deeper emotions, creatively express a wide range of moods and boldly record their deepest secrets. The authors' honest humor and extreme affirmation will entertain and reassure the reader as they participate in fun, easy projects such as: · Me: UNdecorated: Revel in your uncensored thoughts by using paint, ink, papers and more to convey your edgiest feelings--the `you' your parents may not know! · Save the Date: Use a calendar to create a vibrant visual journal that embraces even your seemingly mundane days. · Fauxlaroids: Journaling on Polaroids and other photos. · The Writing's on the Wall: Decorating with journaled ephemera, and creative ways to frame it.

You are Art

My sisters Karen Dinino and Linda Woods were interviewed this week by the Santa Clarita Valley Signal. It's not The View (where they recently were guests), but every little bit helps.

Expression and individuality were coin of the realm in the universe where Dinino and Woods grew up. Their father Alan Goldberg was a newscaster for KPIX Channel 2 in Northern California and a documentary filmmaker, and their mother, Janice Curran, is a reporter for The Desert Sun in Palm Springs. Dinino was a journalist for Newsweek on Campus. Both brothers, Lee Goldberg and Tod Goldberg, are writers. "In our family, if you're not published by the time you're 40, you're kicked out," said Woods.

Lee Said Read

My Uncle Burl Barer has just landed a contract with Kensington for two more of his true crime books, the first of which has the great title MOM SAID KILL:

[It] will detail the shocking story of Barbara and Heather Opel, mother and daughter, who murdered Barbara's generous employer in front of his elderly mother, made off with his furniture and $40K from his bank account. Heather was about fourteen years old at the time, and Mom promised her a new dirt bike for helping in the murder. The kid never got the dirt bike.

You are Art

You saw it on THE VIEW...now you can own one, too. I'm talking about my sisters Linda Woods and Karen Dinino's hot-selling I AM ART t-shirts. The shirts are doing so well that now my sisters have expanded the line to other kinds of clothes and accessories. Check it out at their store.

Scrap Tales

For some time now, Alan Barer has been sharing memories on his blog about our family and his life selling scrap metal with my grandfather Dave in Walla Walla, Washington. Although he's talking about my family and not yours, I think you'll enjoy the rememberances as much as I do...and agree that he's a natural-born storyteller.

One thing Frank did do for me was to advise me never to eat food at the home of one of our clients who lived at and operated the city dump in a small eastern Oregon town.

I arrived there late in the afternoon. The table was set with stew, milk, etc. My host invited me to join for dinner. Hungry as I was I declined. The next morning when I arrived to load, the same food was sitting on the table at room temperature. I also declined the invitation to breakfast.

A View to a Goldberg

If you missed my sisters on THE VIEW, here's your chance to see the clip:

Visual Chronicles is HOT

After their appearance on THE VIEW, my sisters' book is #32  on Amazon and #45 on B&N. That is the power of Rosie.

Watch My Sisters on THE VIEW Tomorrow

Set your VCRs and Tivos...my sisters Karen Dinino & Linda Woods are going to be special  guests on THE VIEW tomorrow, Oct. 19th,  on ABC. They will be doing some projects from their book VISUAL CHRONICLES with Rosie and the gals.

A View to a Kill

My sisters Karen Dinino and Linda Woods are going to be on THE VIEW in early October to talk about their book VISUAL CHRONICLES.

We Ho

"We Ho" is probably an apt way to describe what we Goldberg siblings do to sell our books but, in this case, Weho refers to the West Hollywood Book Fair, which we attended last Sunday. Mark Sarvas over at the Elegant Variation took the photo on the left and writes about his favorite panels of the day. That's me, Karen, Stacy Bierlein (moderator), Tod, and Linda. You can click on the image to get a large image and see all of my chins.

The Writing Chromosome

My brother Tod, while hyping our appearance this coming Sunday at the West Hollywood Book Festival, observes:

Other than Evel and Robbie Knievel, I have to believe the family with the greatest genetic disposition toward one career must be mine. Between just the four Goldberg siblings alone, we have something like 30 books. Now, granted, Lee has written about 25 of them, but he is significantly older.

He's only scratching the surface. My mother Jan Curran was a feature writer for the Palm Springs Desert Sun (among other newspapers), my father Alan Goldberg was a TV anchorman on KPIX   (which, back in the day, actually involved some newswriting), my Uncle Burl Barer is writes true crime books (as well as the Edgar Award winning 'The Saint: A Complete History"), my cousin Sam Barer is an auto industry columnist, and my great-cousin (I'm not sure that's what he is...what would the son of my grandmother's brother-in-law be??) David Zarkin was a newspaper reporter. I know I'm leaving some writerly family members out (I think that my grandmother's brother may have written for Look magazine and know I have a distant cousin who writes for the New York Times).  And most of them...at least the ones who are still living...have blogs, many of which you can find listed on the column to the left.

So, yeah, writing is definitely in our blood. Then again, so are the furniture, pelt, and scrap metal businesses...

Dangerous if Combined

This Sunday, in a cosmic convergence of such magnitude that it could create a rip in the space-time continuum right in the center of West Hollywood, my brother Tod, my sisters Karen Dinino, Linda Woods and I will be on stage at the West Hollywood Book Festival.

All four of us are published authors and, as fate would have it, we all have new books out. We'll be offering advice about writing, publishing, and creating searingly hot erotic fiction (which none of us do, but it seems livelier than talking about what we do write, which are literary short stories, art books, and novels with 80-year-old TV actors on the cover).

In the Driver's Seat

Yet another writer in my family is blogging. Sam Barer, auto-writer extraordinaire,  launched FOUR WHEEL DRIFT with some new slogans for today's automakers. Here's a sampling from the top of the list:

Acura - Buy an Acura, your local car thief will thank you.

Aston Martin – See yourself like James Bond, even if women don’t

Audi –  Because all the people you hate drive BMWs

Bentley –  Phat cars for people with fat wallets

BMW – Even Chris Bangle and I-Drive can’t stop our cars from selling

Buick – Buy a Buick, so we don’t end up like Oldsmobile

Cadillac – Really, you don’t have to be black or Jewish to own one!

Chevrolet – The best vehicles that cost-cutting can create.

But my personal favorite comes towards the end:

Volvo – Safety: you can’t get killed in a car that’s always being serviced at the dealership

 

At Least Tod Isn't Up Against George Pelecanos Again

My brother Tod is a finalist for the Southern California Booksellers' Assocation Award for Best Fiction...a list that includes Aimee Bender (his friend since he was 11), Susan Straight, Carolyn See and the team of Jennifer Kaufman & Karen Mack.  In the mystery category, my friends T. Jefferson Parker, Paul Levine, Barbara Seranella,  Jacqueline Winspear and Denise Hamilton all snagged well-deserved nominations.

Speaking of awards, I just got word over here in the Berlin that  Tony Shalhoub snagged a third Emmy for his performance in MONK, and my friend Terry Winter snagged his second (or is it third?) Emmy for his writing on THE SOPRANOS.  Howard Gordon also copped an statuette for his amazing work running 24 this year. Congratulations one and all!

Thingies III

I'm the oldest of four children. My 11 year-old daughter suddenly realized, in the wake of her "Human Growth and Development Class," what this meant.

"Grandma had sex four times? I can't imagine even doing it once!"

Thingies II

So my 11-year-old daughter gets home from her "Human Growth and Development" class at school and has some questions about sex.

"Why does a man's thingie have to get so big?"  she asked.

"So he can get his sperm inside of  a woman and fertilize the egg," I said.

"Couldn't he just mail it to the woman so she could put it in herself?"