A Writer's Life

Spenser For Hire...Again

Robert B. Parker reports on his blog that he's in talks to remake bring back Spenser to TV...again, only this time it will be a remake of the SPENSER FOR HIRE series. Somehow I missed this news, which isn't new. On April 23rd, he wrote:

we are in negotiation for a remake of the SPENSER: FOR HIRE series to be produced by SONY/DREAMWORKS, and shown on TNT. There is often a slip twixt cup and lip in Los Angeles, but so far things are promising.

And in an update on May 29th, he said the project was still alive:

Negotiations continue on the Spenser For Hire front. The mills of Hollywood grind exceeding fine. But I have no reason to think it won't happen in awhile.

Not only that, but Parker reports he's adding a new character to the Spenser mix.

I am currently writing a book with the working title SIXKILL in which a new character joins Spenser's world. Probably be out next year.

I am excited about the remake news. SPENSER FOR HIRE will always be special to me...my first produced TV episode was for that series.

Norton Hell, The Sequel

A Senior Technical Expert from Norton's Senior Technical Experts Department in Mumbai called me tonight with a resolution to my problem...or so he promised. All he needed to do was take control of my computer. I asked him how long this would take. He said one-to-two-hours. Since I was hard at work on my book, and producing the worst crap imagineable, I said sure, let's do it.

As you may recall, I was having trouble with Norton 360, which locked up my computer when it tried to clean my registry. Over the weekend I downloaded CCleaner and used it to fix my registry without a hitch. But I didn't tell him that. I wanted to see what the Senior Technical Support Expert would do.

Here is what he did once he got control of my computer...he ran Norton 360 and it cleaned my registry without locking up. He called me back to inform me that he had solved the problem.

"You haven't solved anything," I said.

"Yes, now it is working because I solved it."

"All you did was run the program again," I said. "You didn't actually DO anything."

"It wasn't working before and now it is because I have resolved the issue."

"It's working because over the weekend I ran CCleaner on the registry," I said. "You didn't provide a solution.  CCleaner did. I had to use different software."

"The Norton product is now working due to our previous technical support action and the resolution I conducted today. I am glad I was able to resolve the issue. Is there anything more I can help you with today?"

I decided to see just how well Norton actually worked.  While he was still on the phone, and sharing control of my computer (meaning he could see my screen in real-time), I ran CCleaner on the registery...and it found 578 errors.*

So I asked the Norton Senior Technical Expert how come there were still 578 errors if Norton had just fixed my registry and corrected all the errors.

"It is a different program," he said.

"Yes, but if Norton fixed my registry, there shouldn't be any errors for another program to find."

"It is fixing different errors," he said.

"You mean Norton only fixes some Registry errors and not others."

"No, Norton fixes them all."

"That's not what you just said."

"We ran the Norton test and it fixed all the errors."

"Except the 578 that CCleaner found,"  I said.

"That is incorrect. May I close this case now that I have successfully resolved this issue for you?"

Unbelievable.

*Since I initially ran CCleaner over the weekend, I installed the update of Roxio Easy Media Creator 10, which locked up, and I  had to delete it and reinstall it with my original program disc, so that probably accounts for those new registry new errors. By the way, Roxio will fuck up your computer even more than Norton will. Stay the hell away from Roxio!

Sickficcer Cleared

You may remember Darryn Walker. He was the 35-year-old UK civil servant who posted a graphic Sickfic story on the Internet in which the singers in the group Girls Aloud were kidnapped, tortured, raped, and mutilated. He was arrested and charged with violating the Obscene Publications Act.  Yesterday he was acquitted on all charges.

Walker's lawyer Tim Owen told reporters that "the effect of this prosecution on Mr Walker has been devastating. He has lost his job and has not managed to get further employment. Hopefully he can now recommence his life. [...] It was never his intention to frighten or intimidate the members of Girls Aloud."

Owen said Walker wrote the story as "an adult celebrity parody" and that it was only meant "for an audience of like-minded people."

Can you imagine what those "like-minded people" must be like?

(Thanks to PM Rommel for alerting me to the news)

TV Main Title of the Week

You Can Become a Kindle Millionaire, Part 4

Here's  a quick update on my e-publishing experiments. Following in the e-footsteps of Joe Konrath and John August, I made  THE WALK, my out-of-print 2004 novel, and THREE WAYS TO DIE, a collection of previously published short stories, available as Kindle editions. I subsequently made them available as downloadable PDFs on Scribd as well.

So far, I haven't had nearly the volume of sales that Joe and John have experienced. From June 1 to today, I have sold 371 copies of  THE WALK at $1.40 each (the actual price is $1.89, but Amazon has discounted it), earning myself $236.91. My sales of THREE WAYS TO DIE are flat at 54 copies at 99 cents each, earning me a whopping $18.90. I have sold two copies of THE WALK and one of THREE WAYS TO DIE on Scribd, at the same prices as the Kindle editions, earning me a staggering $2.44 in royalties.

At the request of several of my blog readers, I have gone one step further and have made THE WALK and THREE WAYS TO DIE available on Smashwords, where you can download them in the format of your choice. The price in all formats for THE WALK is $1.89, the same price I set for the Kindle edition on Amazon. 

So, here's where you can buy THE WALK and THREE WAYS TO DIE  in the e-versions of your choice... 

THE WALK on the Kindle 

THE WALK as a PDF at Scribd 

THE WALK in multiple formats, including Kindle, PDF, and Mobipocket, at Smashwords. (If you use this code KN24A at checkout, you will get 25% off, the same as the Amazon discount)

===========

THREE WAYS TO DIE on the Kindle 

THREE WAYS TO DIE as a PDF at Scribd.

THREE WAYS TO DIE in multiple formats at Smashwords. (I am experimenting with this title by using their "set your own price" feature where you, the reader, decide how much to pay).

I shall report back at the end of the month on how the books are doing on the various sites and in all the various formats. 

Norton Hell, Minute by Agonizing Minute

If you would like to experience the living hell that is Norton Technical Support, scroll down to the last entry and read from the bottom up to the top. 

1. I'm told that "The Senior Technical Experts Department specialized for Norton Product" (that's a direct quote) will call me.this is surreal.4:26 PM Jun 25th from web

       

2. ok, 3 hrs plus is enough. I'm done. Time to find that link for the Norton Removal Tool...that's the more effective resolution.4:21 PM Jun 25th from web

3. Mr. Norton Support is running the program again. And it still doesn't work. I bet he will seek an even more effective resolution.4:16 PM Jun 25th from web

4. if I stay on w/Norton much longer, Madonna & David Hasselhoff are in jeopardy.4:09 PM Jun 25th from web

5. I've been on w/Norton Support for so long that the 70s officially died. RIP Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett.4:07 PM Jun 25th from web

6. watching the norton support person reboot me from afar. We have just entered the third hour of support. How long until I can call Guinness?4:05 PM Jun 25th from web

7. He can't figure out what's wrong.He doesn't know how to fix it.He will seek an even more effective resolution.How could anyone achieve that?3:56 PM Jun 25th from web

8. he looked but didn't touch. we are fast approaching my 3rd unproductive hr w/ Norton support. I just asked him what's up. Guess his reply...3:52 PM Jun 25th from web

9. now he's going into control panel. going to programs & features. looking at what I have. I feel naked & exposed.3:43 PM Jun 25th from web

10. Uh-oh. The program isn't working. I guess we're going to need "a more effective resolution" than just running it AGAIN.3:41 PM Jun 25th from web

11. he's running the program AGAIN. Does he think repetition is the answer? Yeah, that's it. Just keep doing it until it works. MORON!3:38 PM Jun 25th from web

12. this isn't online sex. It's married sex.3:37 PM Jun 25th from web

13. oh, just heard from him. "I am looking for a more effective resolution." More effective than no resolution at all? Good idea!3:36 PM Jun 25th from web

14. I think my Norton Support person is seeking some support himself.I've been on line w/him for over 30 minutes now & have accomplished nothing3:35 PM Jun 25th from web

15. nothing is happening. The cursor isn't moving. Oh my. Has he lost hope? I know I have.3:25 PM Jun 25th from web

16. He seems lost. He's just moving the cursor around my desktop in lonely desperation. I can relate, Rajneesh.3:23 PM Jun 25th from web

17. I wonder if this was what Michael Jackson was doing when he had his heart attack.3:19 PM Jun 25th from web

18. what do you know, it's not working. I wonder if Norton Support will recommend that I contact Norton support.3:18 PM Jun 25th from web

19. he's running the program again. I guess he wants to see if I really have a problem or am just doing this for kicks.3:16 PM Jun 25th from web

20. if so, it may be good for him but it's not good for me.3:16 PM Jun 25th from web

21. our computers are now connected remotely. am I experiencing online sex?3:14 PM Jun 25th from web

22. he's offering to take control of my computer remotely. maybe he can write my book for me too.3:10 PM Jun 25th from web

23. he's offering me the pre-packaged/pre-written content so far. Let's see what happens when he actually has to type something himself.3:06 PM Jun 25th from web

24. On with Norton Mumbai again. Either I am a gluton for punishment or I am procrastinating on my book. You decide.3:03 PM Jun 25th from web

25. @symantecnews norton360. I just disconnected after ten minutes of radio silence from India...on top of 2 hrs wasted. Terrible "support."12:22 PM Jun 25th from web in reply to symantecnews

26. Sreejeeth @ symantec has disappeared. haven't heard from him in almost 10 minutes.I guess it's break time in New Delhi. I'm done. Bye Norton12:20 PM Jun 25th from web

27. Somebody should make Bernie Madoff contact Symantec support.12:15 PM Jun 25th from web

28. this isn't support. it's punishment.12:14 PM Jun 25th from web

29. "I see you are having problems with scanning of registry with Norton program not working correct." AHHHHH!12:12 PM Jun 25th from web

30. I'm on w/Sreejeeth @ Symantec now. Whenever he goes off script he's got a 3rd grader's grasp of English. God help me.12:11 PM Jun 25th from web

31. now im on with mohammad. he is escalating the case. i am blessed12:03 PM Jun 25th from web

32. @symantecnews No. I've just spent over an hour repeating steps I did BEFORE I called support. Now i'm told he can't resolve it. Duh.12:00 PM Jun 25th from web in reply to symantecnews

33. Now Shareef is informing me that "I am unable to resolve the issue and will transfer to a supervisor." Am I looking at another hour of HELL?11:59 AM Jun 25th from web

34. now Shareef is trying to isolate the issue. Good idea, Shareef. Should have tried that an hour ago.11:58 AM Jun 25th from web

35. ran program again. Problem still not fixed. Apparently all these symantec support guys know how to do is download updates. a waste of time11:55 AM Jun 25th from web

36. of course I did all that BEFORE i called tech support.11:55 AM Jun 25th from web

37. ...then we ran live update three times. now we are rebooting.11:51 AM Jun 25th from web

38. let's see...first we downloaded the same program 3 times, then we ran the program, got the same error I had an hour ago...11:46 AM Jun 25th from web

39. Now he's running live update again...I guess he forgot we did that five minutes ago.11:42 AM Jun 25th from web

40. why do i feel like I am giving this moron tech support instead of the other way around??11:40 AM Jun 25th from web

41. my dog knows more about computers than shareef. i am moments away from just hanging up & walking away from Norton for good.11:39 AM Jun 25th from web

42. entering my 2nd hr w/shareef in customer support. oh, the bliss11:37 AM Jun 25th from web

43. "Your desktop is being remotely controlled by Shareef." This is like the Indian version of THE OUTER LIMITS...only much scarier.11:16 AM Jun 25th from web

44. chatting w/Shareef & Mohammed @ symantec support. It's like dental surgery w/o anesthesia.10:19 AM Jun 25th from web

Scribe Award Ceremony Announced

Third annual presentation of the International Association of Media-Tie-in Writers (IAMTW) "Scribe" Awards, honoring excellence in tie-in writing in such notable franchises as CSI, Criminal Minds, The X-Files, Star Trek, Stargate, Star Wars and Dr. Who, will be held on FRIDAY JULY 24 3-4:30 pm at Comic-Con in San Diego in Room 4. The ceremony will be followed by a panel discussion with the nominees, including James Rollins (Indiana Jones), Matt Forbeck (Mutant Chronicles), Bob Greenberger (Hellboy), Keith R. A. DeCandido (Farscape), Stacia Deutsch (Dark Knight), Nathan Long (Warhammer), and Tod Goldberg (Burn Notice). With moderators Lee Goldberg (Monk) and Max Allan Collins (GI JOE).

Mr. Monk and the Dirty Review

MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP comes out on July 7 but the reviews are already starting to come in. Bill Crider enjoyed this one as much as the previous books, or so he says on his blog today. He says, in part:

Lee Goldberg's books about Monk never let me down. They're always good for a some smiles and laughs, but that's the least of it. I've talked before about the themes of loyalty and friendship in books by other writers, and Robert B. Parker couldn't fill up ten pages without writing about them. People take the themes seriously in other books because, well, the books are serious. Goldberg has a lighter touch, but if you don't think those themes are treated just as seriously in his work, then you should read Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop.

Thank you so much, Bill. I'm flattered. I believe there's one thing that stops the MONK episodes and the books from becoming a slapstick cartoon, that prevents his character from becoming Maxwell Smart or Inspector Clouseau. It's this: amidst all the comedic situations that arise from his OCD, there's always something emotionally true about the stories...something that reveals Monk's essential sadness and grounds the character in reality. Maybe not our reality, but a reality just the same.

The hardest thing for me with the books isn't the mystery or the comedy...it's coming up with that emotional center, the heart-felt conflict that gives some shading to the broad humor. I always try to find something in the story that will put Monk and Natalie's relationship to the test, that will reveal something about who they are, and that will bring them closer together (or give them a deeper understanding of one another). I don't consciously think of a theme, but one seems to reveal itself to me along the way...and then I try not to belabor it or pay attention to it...I prefer to let it emerge on its own as a strand within scenes or in lines of dialogue.

I'm glad that it comes across.

Transformers 2 is Hell, So Says Ebert

I love Roger Ebert's review of TRANSFORMERS 2.

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.

Not that I had any intention of seeing it anyway. I saw TRANSFORMERS 1...and that was enough.

Money Woes in UK TV Biz

The Guardian reports that series cancellations and budget cuts at ITV are renewing fears about the precarious state of the UK TV Biz.

Having sent the dinosaurs back to extinction earlier in the week, ITV decided to banish the vampires on Friday, cancelling the Saturday evening show Demons only days after Primeval got the axe. A budgetary ice-age seems to be sweeping through UK television - raising fears about British broadcasting's delicate eco-stystem.

The cuts are not a problem confined to commercial channels. The morning before Demons' fate was confirmed, the BBC instructed all six of its television networks to find record efficiency savings of 7.5% - over the next five years the channels will lose £1bn from their budgets. And matters are little better at Channel 4. In March, head of programming Julian Bellamy said the broadcaster would like to commission more drama, but there was no money in the budget with which to do so.

[...]Despite ITV performing well in drama this year - it has broadcast the five highest-rating new dramas, Whitechapel, Above Suspicion, Unforgiven, Law & Order: UK and, ironically, Demons - rating success is clearly no longer a measure of survival at the broadcaster. But if ITV is getting rid of relative successes, what will it have left?

There is some good news. ITV renewed LEWIS for a fourth season, which comes as a relief, since early reports were that the hit series was doomed for financial reasons.

TV Main Title of The Week - Say UNCLE Edition

Sorry this was delayed...to make up for it, here's the main title sequence from THE MAN FROM UNCLE. Not just one, but all four seasons' worth (they were tweaked musically each year).

The Mail I Get

I received this email from an agentless, aspiring screenwriter:

I just moved to LA about a year ago.[...]I've hooked up with a producer who is a former exec at a major studio. We talked about an idea he has for a sitcom. I like his idea a lot and I agreed to collaborate with him. The thing is, I've been helping him for a while now and even wrote a pilot, all with nothing but a verbal commitment from him to "do right" by me. I do trust him and we've become friends outside of "work."

Now, I've decided it's time to get more than just a verbal commitment from him. But I am at a loss as to what to ask for.[...] So far I've written a pilot and have helped out with character descriptions and episode outlines. Now he wants me to write another episode. Do you have any advice for someone like me?

Yes, I do. You are being screwed. The producer is taking advantage of your enthusiasm, inexperience and desperation. He should know better...and, if he is truly your friend (and the seasoned exec you say he is), and if he genuinely wanted to "do right" for you, he would have put a deal in writing before you started writing a word...for his protection and yours.

Don't do ANY more work for him or let him send out the script to anyone unless a deal is in place between the two of you.

Since you don't have an agent, you should consult with a lawyer. You should also visit the WGA website and get a copy of the applicable minimums and/or go to the Samuel French Bookstore and get a book on Entertainment industry contracts.

I'm not a lawyer or an agent, but some of the things you should seek are compensation (at least WGA minimums) for the scripts you have written immediately upon sale of the project, a minimum royalty per episode produced (you need to negotiate an amount), a shared created by credit with the producer (though that will be arbitrated by the Guild), a producer credit & salary on the show (whether you provide services or not) and an equal share of any and all monies that the producer is getting for ancillary rights, backend, etc. That's just for starters.

Hillary, I Feel Your Pain

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tripped and broke her elbow earlier this week. Today she had surgery and is facing weeks of physical therapy. Fox News reports:

“The most common fracture you get from a standing-height fall will either be an olecranon fracture or a radial head fracture,” Alberta, who specializes in shoulder and elbow surgery, told FOXNews.com. “If she landed on her elbow and fell back on the point of her elbow, she most likely fractured her olecrenon, which is the bony point of your elbow. If she fell with her hand stretched out to catch the fall, then it may be a radial head fracture. [...]"

In general, elbow surgery can last anywhere from 45 minutes to a couple of hours.

“There’ll be an incision depending on where the fracture is, and we’ll use anything from a plate and screws, all the way up to replacement of the joint to repair the injury,” Alberta said.

As far as recovery, Clinton is facing anywhere from six weeks to three months of physical therapy.

God, does that bring back some bad memories. Five years ago I broke both of my elbows, my right one so severely that I was in surgery for six hours while they put it back together with three plates, a dozen screws and a titanium radial head (that's my x-ray in the picture. You can click on it for a larger image). I wasn't Secretary of State, running all over the globe, but I was writing & producing a weekly TV series and a few weeks away from the deadline on a novel when the accident happened.  

I was told that implants would remain in my arm for the rest of my life. But after six months of physical therapy, my arm was still locked at a 90 degree angle... so they took all of the implants out again...and I had another six months of therapy. The surgery was a success, but I was left with only about 40% mobility in the arm, and some pain and numbness where my elbow used to be (not to mention a big scar), so not a day goes by when I am not reminded of the accident.

Hillary, I feel your pain.

Uncle Burl Barers All

Carl Brookins recently interviewed my Uncle Burl Barer, the Edgar Award-winning author of such true crime bestsellers as MOM SAID KILL and MURDER IN THE FAMILY. It's a fun interview. Here are some excerpts: 

What’s the hardest thing about being an author? Making money.

What surprised you the most when you became a published author?

I was surprised that authors don't have groupies such as the ones who pursue rock stars and famous actors, or even disc jockeys. Never be an author to pick up chicks.

Have you ever collaborated on a novel? Would you consider it?

Yes, I collaborated on a novel (unpublished) with someone who wasn't a writer. I would love to collaborate with someone who is a writer. I did contribute to one of Lee Goldberg's pulp fiction novels that he wrote under an assumed name. I helped him with one of the sex scenes. He was, at that time, not as experienced with that topic as he has since, no doubt, become. When his Nana complained that the book was nothing but sex and violence, Lee wisely shifted the blame to my brother and me. My brother deflected criticism by insisting that he only helped Lee with the legal/courtroom scenes. When Mom called me, she asked How could you pervert your little nephew that way? I told her Mom, I only helped him write one sex scene, honest! She replied, It was the one with the ice-cream wasn't it? She was right. It was.

The Mail I Get

I got this email yesterday: 

I recently finished three courses in screenwriting at UCLA. For my "writing the one-hour drama" classes, I wrote a spec for "Monk". [...] Earlier today I thought, "Hmmm... this could make a decent novel." Imagine my surprise when, less than a day later, I found that there ARE such things!! Since you are obviously "in the know", to whom might I pitch my "Monk" spec as a novel? Although I don't have a TV agent, I do have a literary agent, and am doing the final edits of a book I've co-authored, coming out in December.

I must get one or two emails a week like this. I wonder what makes them think it's a good idea to ask the guy who writes all of the MONK novels for his advice on how they can take his job away from him. I also wonder why they think that if someone is already writing the books that they might have a shot at it, too. Perhaps it's because the STAR TREK books are written by multiple writers...and these people haven't noticed that the MONK books are only written by one guy...me. Or maybe they are just dumb.

You Can Become a Kindle Millionaire, Part 3

I am once again following in the footsteps of Joe Konrath and John August  and experimenting with republishing some of my out-of-print and previously-published work. 

THREE WAYS TO DIE, my collection of previously published short stories that I released earlier this month on the Kindle for $.99, is now available as a downloadable PDF (as requested by many of you Kindleless folks) on Scribd for $1.00 (which is the lowest price they will let you charge). 

I've also uploaded a PDF version of THE WALK on Scribd for $1.99, a few cents higher than the Kindle edition (Amazon discounted it from $1.75 to $1.40). Why did I raise the price? Just for the heck of it to see what happens.

Joe Konrath, who has done very well with Kindle editions of his unpublished books, has tried Scribd, but with no success.

Because I'm a cutting edge early adopter who can predict trends (ask Barry Eisler), I offered my ebooks on Scribd 15 days ago, at the same price they are available for on Kindle, less than $2 each. In 15 days, I've sold zero books. Compare this to over a hundred books a day I sell on Amazon. Scribd is not the future of epublishing.

John August's short story THE VARIANT sold 2554 Kindle editions through Amazon and 619 PDF downloads through e-junkie from May 1-June 15.

I'll let you know how my PDF downloads perform sales-wise and royalty-wise compared to the Kindle editions.

You Can Become a Kindle Millionaire, Part 2

I am 15 days into my Kindle experiment and here are the results so far...

Today, THE WALK is ranked #901 in the Kindle Store and:

#18 in	Kindle Store > Kindle Books > Fiction > Action & Adventure
#21 in	Kindle Store > Kindle Books > Fiction > Horror
#28 in	Kindle Store > Kindle Books > Humor

THREE WAYS TO DIE - 38 copies sold @ $.99. My royalties: $13.30.

Today, THREE WAYS TO DIE is ranked #15,365 in the Kindle Store and:

#74 in Kindle Store > Kindle Books > Mystery & Thrillers > Mystery > Hard-Boiled

I've promoted the books here on my blog, my Facebook page, to my Facebook Monk Fans, on Twitter, and on the Amazon Kindle forums (as well as several other Kindle forums, like this one). 

Those sales are nothing to get excited about. I haven't come close to reaching the astonishing and impressive Kindle sales that folks like Joe Konrath and John August have achieved. 

On the plus side, I have been getting some very nice, enthusiastic reviews (publicly on Amazon and privately in emails) for THE WALK and I think that's led to some good word-of-mouth. I have seen the daily sales steadily increasing from one or two copies-a-day to 10-15 copies-a-day.

On the down side, Sales of THREE WAYS TO DIE are flat. I haven't sold a copy in two days.

And several readers have reported some irritating formatting problems with THE WALK. Some paragraphs seem to switch to italics at random. I have looked at the manscript, as both a Word document and in html, and I can't figure out why those paragraphs are changing format...so I have no clue how to fix it. But I will keep trying to figure it out.

I'll give you another update at the end of the month.

UPDATE 6-18-2009:  Sales are definitely trending up for THE WALK, though it's still nothing stellar. As of tonight, THE WALK has sold 219 copies @$1.40. My royalties: $136.49. The book is now #410 in the Kindle Store and:

#9 in	Kindle Store > Kindle Books > Fiction > Horror
#9 in	Kindle Store > Kindle Books > Fiction > Action & Adventure
#14 in	Kindle Store > Kindle Books > Humor

It doesn't seem to take many sales to become a top-ten "bestseller" in genre categories on Amazon, does it? Oh, and I have sold two copies of the PDF version of THE WALK at Scribd, bringing me $1.50 in royalties. 

THREE WAYS TO DIE has sold ten more copies, 47 copies to date, @.99 each, earning me $16.45 in royalties.

Financially speaking, I don't see this as the future of self-publishing, at least not yet. It would take a lot of promotion to reach a wide enough audience to create enough sales to make this financially lucrative (unless you're already an established author ... like Joe Konrath...or well-known in other circles...like screenwriter John August). There's a reason Stephen King, John Grisham and Michael Connelly haven't forsaken big New York publisher and "the printed page" for the e-publishing world just yet (or for print-on-demand paperbacks either). 

But one clear benefit of self-publishing/epublishing with the Kindle is that you don't have to shell out any money upfront to do it...nor do you have to go through some vanity press scammer. You don't even pay an unfront listing fee (the way you would with, say, auctions on ebay). You pay at the register...or, rather, your reader does. Amazon and Scribd take a cut from the sales. 

TV Main Title of the Week

Tied In

Today at the California Crime Writer's Conference several writers sheepishly asked me "so, how do you get into this tie-in business?" as if they were asking me how to get into writing porn movies. Now that the book biz is tightening up, and mid-list writers are being dropped all over the place, tie-ins are beginning to look good to some authors who never would have considered them before.

The same thing happened to me during the WGA writer's strike...writer who once gave me a hard time about doing the MONK & DIAGNOSIS MURDER books while I was also writing & producing TV shows would say to me that they were "interested maybe trying that tie-in thing, you know, just for fun." Not because they needed a job, of course, but "just for fun." Uh-huh.

For some reason, when times are hard for writers, tie-ins get a lot more respect. I don't know why...for that matter, I don't understand why writers regard them with disdain when times are good. But that's one of the reasons Max Allan Collins and I formed the International Association of Media Tie-in Writers a few years ago...to educated people about tie-ins and to gain more respect for the genre. Slowly but surely, the organization is making a difference.

Speaking of which, there's an Q&A interview with me over at Talking With Tim about the International Association of Media Tie-in Writers and tie-in writing. Here's a taste:

the reason more creators don’t try to keep their TV series alive in print after cancellation is because publishers simply aren’t interested, which is no surprise if you think about it. The incentive for publishers to do tie-ins is to capitalize on the huge audience that a hit show draws and the enormous publicity that surrounds it. It also offers a level of confidence in what ordinarily would be a gamble. The book is, in essence, a pre-sold concept with a built-in audience and supported by millions of dollars worth of FREE promotion. The TV show itself, as well as the advertising and promotion that the network does, becomes free publicity for the books. Success, wide recognition, a strong concept and major promotion are what makes a publisher interested in tie-ins. But once a show is cancelled, the incentive to do tie-in books instantly evaporates

Kicked by an Angel

Here's the trailer for LASKO: FIST OF GOD, the new series from my friends at Action Concept. Imagine Walker if he was a monk instead of a Texas Ranger and you've got the gist of this series...fun stuff!

A TV Truism

Canadian TV writer Denis McGrath posted on his blog a simple TV truism that is nonetheless often taken for granted in this business:

The process of making a Friday Night Lights, or The Wire, or The Shield, is exactly the same process that results in Being Erica. It's just as much work to conceive of, break story for, and execute a little confection like Ugly Betty or Reaper or Cupid as it is to make The West Wing.

No matter what the show is, whether it's winning Emmys or going unnoticed, it still boils down to a showrunner and a bunch of writers in a room, breaking stories that can be told in four acts and shot in X number of days for X amount of money.

Diane Dives Into More Mind Games

I was delighted to see in the trades today that Bruce Evans (MR. BROOKS) will direct DIVER, a thriller written by my friend Diane Ademu-John, with whom I worked on the TV series MISSING. The script is about an ex-cop who enters the minds of dead people to read their final thoughts and use them to solve crimes. Diane is no stranger to these kinds of mind games -- after MISSING, about an FBI agent who has visions of missing persons, she went straight into several seasons on MEDIUM.

Congratulations Diane!

GUN MONKEYS on the rampage

Victor Gischler, author of GUN MONKEYS, alerted me that our in-the-works screen adaptation of his book is getting buzzed about this week on the net. We honestly have no idea what prompted all of this new attention, but I guess it can't hurt.

German Nets Abandon Local Drama

Bad news for TV writers in Germany. The network RTL is shutting down their in-house fiction and comedy departments entirely after their slate of homegrown show flopped miserably in the ratings, according to the Hollywood Reporter. 

While imported U.S. series such as "House" and "CSI" continue to draw audiences for the channel, RTL has for years been unable to produce a new German-language fiction hit. Instead, it relies almost entirely on German adaptations of international reality formats such as "Supernanny" and "Pop Idol." RTL has also been hit hard by the sharp drop in TV ad sales that have followed the economic recession. CEO Anke Schaferkordt has evidently chosen cheaper imports over the economic risk inherent with local production.

As someone at Pro7, another German network told me, they can buy three American series for what it costs to produce one original German show. And there's a lot less incentive to make German shows when they keep bombing. The only consistent homegrown, scripted drama hit on RTL is ALARM FOR COBRA 11, made by my friends at Action Concept, and that's now in its 16th season. Action Concept has a new series for RTL called LASKO: FIST OF GOD that is premiering later this month. I'm hoping that LASKO will buck the trend and be a big hit.

Mr. Monk in Trouble

Here's the full dust-jacket for MR. MONK IN TROUBLE, which comes out in December. There will also be an excerpt from the book in the November issue of ELLERY QUEEN MYSTERY MAGAZINE. (You can click on the photo for a larger image)

Hat in Hand

The most interesting thing about Ken Follett's THE PILLARS OF EARTH mini-series isn't the international cast (Ian McShane, Donald Sutherland, Rufus Sewell etc) or it's location shoot in Hungary and Austria -- it's the complex financing that had to be put together to get the German/Canadian coproduction made. As the press release notes:

TANDEM COMMUNICATIONS and Muse Entertainment's broadcast and home video partners on The Pillars of the Earth are ProSiebenSat1's German FreeTV Group, Canada's Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, The Movie Network and Movie Central, Spain's Socable, Austria's ORF, Germany's Universum Film Home Entertainment, Hungary's TV2 and Sony Pictures Home Entertainment – to name a few. In addition, the financial entities involved were gap financier FIDEC, Germany's DZ Bank and The National Bank of Canada. Legal counsel for the project was Mathias Schwarz in Germany, Cari Davine in Canada, Randolph M. Paul in the USA and Monika Horvath in Hungary.

Did you notice that it says that those are just a few of the financial partners? And did you see that the deal-making itself is  such a big part of the production, that the producers feel obligated to thank their lawyers in the press release? Incredible. 

The folks at Tandem obviously had to go, hat in hand, all over the world to get the money for this. Even more surprising is that the mini-series doesn't even have a U.S. or U.K. broadcast yet. This illustrates just how difficult it is to raise financing for TV productions these days...and how global the business has become. Tandem's managing director Rola Bauer says in the press release:

"The fact that we have been able to raise the production financing in these economically challenging times is testimony to the enduring strength of fictional television Event programming [...] and could not have been achieved without our international networks as well as our financial and production partners."

Scott Free TV president David Zucker told the Hollywood Reporter that putting together such a complex deal and going into production without a U.S. broadcaster is  "the new world order."

"Yes, there is more risk at the top, but there's more latitude on the creative side. It's not dissimilar to the indie film biz in this respect. Given how difficult the economy became here, we decided to plow ahead and get funding and casting done before trying to do a licensing deal in the States."

Zucker said there was "a lot of interest" among yank broadcasters, cablers and pay cablers but did not specify how close to a deal the producers were.

For what it's worth, the last big mini-series that Munich-based Tandem put together, LOST CITY RAIDERS, ended up on SciFi. 

Mr. Monk in Eighth Heaven

More reviews for MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP are coming in, this one from Mark Baker at eOpinions, Amazon, and a host of other sites. He says, in part:

Mr. Monk must be in eighth heaven. First, it's an even number. Second, the TV series is about to start the eighth (and final) season just a month after the eighth novel based on the series is released. The good news for fans of the show is that Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop is another strong adventure for our favorite police consultant.[...]Fans of the TV series that have missed the novels have truly missed out on some fun. If you aren't obsessive compulsive, Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop makes as good a place as any to start.

Thanks, Mark! I never noticed all that stuff about the eights...eighth season, eighth book. It makes perfect sense. The natural order of the universe has been maintained.

It Never Gets Easier

Even after writing fifty books, it doesn't get any easier. It only gets harder, so says Elmore Leonard in an interview with Barnes & Noble.

"When I was working at an ad agency, which I did through the '50s -- I left in '61 -- I was getting up at 5 a.m., and I'd write for two hours. I was just beginning to write. I didn't know it beforehand, but I learned I could write two pages, a page an hour. I did it all through the '50s. I wrote five books and thirty short stories that way. But now it's a lot harder; it just gets harder. For a while, maybe, it gets easier -- you're relaxed, and you can just write what you want, and it seems to work. But then, you don't want to sound like you're imitating yourself, and you don't want to use the same sorts of situations over and over."

It's a great interivew. He talks a lot about his process and gives us a glimpse into the development of the book that he's working on now, which brings back Karen Sisco from OUT OF SIGHT and drops her into the world of Somali piracy.

UK Actors Flocking to US

It's no secret that UK actors are swarming to Los Angeles to become leads in TV series (HOUSE, LIE TO ME, LIFE, LAW & ORDER, JOURNEYMAN, GREY'S ANATOMY, SARAH CONNOR, THE WIRE, etc.). Now Broadcast magazine reports in an interview with actor James Nesbitt that it's the  lack of jobs on UK television that's sending them overseas.

The Cold Feet and Murphy’s Law actor, who also stars in BBC1’s Occupation next week, told the Radio Times that the UK TV industry was in a “desperate state”, and that he was having to look to the US for work.

He said Hollywood did not naturally appeal to him – “the notion of waiting six months to play a baddie in a bad film just wasn’t my idea of career utopia” – but that he had now employed a US agent.

“I was challenged here, I enjoyed what I was doing. But the British TV industry is in a desperate state - not creatively but financially,” he said. “There’s so little work happening here, it [Hollywood] is not a door that I’d slam shut,” he said.

How To Sell a Deadlier Bond

How do you introduce audience to a new, tougher, more ruthless version of James Bond? I'm not talking CASINO ROYALE but LICENCE TO KILL. The Permission To Kill blog flashes back to 1998 and the aborted advertising campaigns to sell Timothy Dalton's second go-round as James Bond.

This is what they ultimately went with...

Mr. Monk and the Dirty Review

Alan Cranis at Bookgasm really liked MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP. In his lengthy review today, he says in part:

After seven previous tie-in novels, it’s safe (if not fairy obvious) to say that nobody knows the world of obsessive-compulsive detective Adrian Monk better than novelist Lee Goldberg. But that doesn’t mean he’s become lazy or complacent. As MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP shows, Goldberg is willing to take chances with the firmly established characters, and is still able to provide plenty of laughs and well-crafted entertainment. 

[...]Once again, the story is told from Natalie’s first-person perspective, and her personal doubts about her identity and career provide an unexpected depth and pathos to the telling. But she maintains her hard-forged sense of humor and innate sarcasm, even in the face of her suddenly uncertain future. How else can she put up with a boss who, for all his detecting genius, feels that the inventor of the Diaper Genie deserves a Nobel Peace Prize? 

[...] Authors like Goldberg — and Max Allan Collins, most notably — completely disprove the notion that tie-in novels are inferior wastes of time. Truth is, you’d be hard-pressed to find another recent work that provides so many hip and humorous moments, along with its believable plot twists. MONK series fans — and that means both the TV show and these novels — have another winner here to enjoy. And for those who haven’t experienced Monk in print, this new book is a fine place to start.

Thanks, Alan!

The Plan is Coming Together

Variety reports that the cast is shaping up for the big screen version of my buddy Steve Cannell's hit series THE A-TEAM. Liam Neeson is taken with the part of Hannibal (George Peppard's role) and Bradley Cooper is being wooed to play Faceman (Dirk Benedict's part). No word yet on who is being sought for the roles of Murdock (Dwight Schultz in the original) and "B.A." Baracus, played by Mr. T. Joe Carnahan is directing, and Ridley Scott is producing with Jules Daly and Cannell from a screenplay by Carnahan, Brian Bloom and Skip Woods.

 

Kindle Blogging

My blog is now available for reading on the Kindle...just click here to subscribe.

Mr. Monk and the Flattered Author

Ed Gorman has always been an enthusiastic supporter of my books. But it still feels great, and is immensely flattering, whenever I discover that he's enjoyed one of my novels. Today he reviewed my next Monk book, MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP, which comes out in July. He said, in part:

Any novel that can make me laugh out loud six or seven times in the first chapter is one I'd recommend without qualification. And good as that first chapter is, MONK AND THE DIRTY COP only gets better partly because of the central idea's ingenuity and partly because of the wit with which it's used.[...]I've enjoyed all the Monk novels. Monk is my all-time favorite comic detective and Lee Goldberg has honored him by writing some of the finest tie-novels ever conceived. These have a richness of incident and backstory and place that give them real depth. And for me MR. MONK AND THE DIRTY COP is the best one yet.

Speaking of Ed,  there's  a great interview with him over at Western Fiction Review that  also include an overview of his many, many books.

TV Main Title of the Week

This is one of my favorite main title themes from a very short-lived show. I may have posted this before but its worth repeating.

Living on TV's Death Row

Writer Josh Friedman, the showrunner of TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONCILES, blogs about his final days on the series...and what it's like to be cancelled. 

Everyone says having your show cancelled is like a death but I've been dead before and at least when you're dead you don't get thrown off the Warner Bros. lot for haunting your old parking space. They probably mean it's like the death of a friend or a family member but that shit only hurts when it's YOUR friend or family member and even then it's mitigated by age, lifestyle and whether that person was a Hollywood friend or a real one and whether that family member left you money.

Losing your show is more like a surprise divorce where you get served papers in the morning and your (ex)wife is fucking Human Target by three in the afternoon using the same time slot your child was conceived in and also where she did that one thing that one time on your birthday.

People say the bright side to losing your show is gaining time to spend with your family but I'm pretty sure that waking up next to your ex-showrunner spouse whom you haven't seen for two and a half years is pretty close to waking up next to that special someone you met the night before at Carlos n' Charlie's in Cancun on Spring Break.

His lengthy post is very funny, bitter, and oh-so-true. I've been in his position, feeling many of the same things that he did, more times than I care to remember...and it never gets any easier or less uncomfortable. 

You Can Become a Kindle Millionaire

My friend author Joe Konrath has done extraordinarily well selling some of his unpublished books on the Kindle, making $1250 in royalties this month alone. That's very impressive. And since its free and easy to upload your book to Amazon for sale on the Kindle, I'm sure that Joe's success is very exciting and encouraging news to a lot of aspiring writers out there. But I suspect Joe's success is the exception rather than the rule. That said, he is encouraging others to follow his lead. He writes:

The average advance for a first time novel is still $5000. If Kindle keeps growing in popularity, and the Sony Reader opens up to author submissions like it intends to, I think a motivated writer will be able to make $5000 a year on a well-written e-novel. Or more. All without ever being in print.

[...]Robert W. Walker, has written over forty novels. Most of them are out of print, and the rights have reverted back to him. If he digitized and uploaded his books, and priced them at $1.59 (which earns him 70 cents a download), and sold 500 copies of each per month (I sold 500 of Origin and 780 of The List in May), he'd be making $14,000 a month, or $168,000 a year, on books that Big NY Publishing doesn't want anymore.
Even if he made half, or a third, or a fifth of that, that's decent money on books that he's not doing anything else with. Now, all of us aren't Rob, and we don't have 40 novels on our hard drives, especially 40 novels that were good enough to have once been published in print. But how long do you think it will be before some unknown author has a Kindle bestseller?

Joe is making a lot of assumptions based on the admirable success of his own Kindle titles. It's a big, big, BIG leap to think, just because his book has done well, that Robert W. Walker (or any other mid-list author) will sell 500 copies...or even 50 copies...of his out-of-print books on the Kindle each month. 

But just for hell of it, I decided to follow Joe's advice and put my out-of-print 2004 novel THE WALK and a short-story collection THREE WAYS TO DIE up on Amazon for sale on the Kindle and see what happens. 

So far, after only a few days on Amazon, sales of those Kindle editions have been brisk. For instance, today THREE WAYS TO DIE was ranked as Amazon's #30 bestselling Kindle short story collection and the 40th top-selling hard-boiled Kindle mystery. 

Pretty impressive, huh? 

And it's paying off in the wallet, too, my friends. I've already raked in ten dollars in royalties. So I spent today at the Bentley dealership checking out the car I'm going to buy at year-end with my Kindle royalties.

I do not mean to belittle Joe's success on the Kindle. It is truly impressive and its a reflection of his considerable promotional skills (as well, I'm sure, of the quality of the books themselves). But do I think the vast majority of published, as well as unpublished, writers can easily achieve the same success he has with Kindle editions? No, I don't.

But I would love to be proved wrong. I'll report back at the end of the month on how my Kindle sales on these two titles are doing.

(Incidentally, several of my MONK and DIAGNOSIS MURDER books are also available on the Kindle. Although the MONK books sell very well in hardcover and paperback, the Kindle sales are miniscule...and keep in mind that my MONK books, unlike those that an unknown writer might put up for sale on the Kindle, benefit from the huge advertising, promotion, and brand awareness that goes along with a hit TV series)

UPDATE 6-11-2209: Joe Konrath has updated his Kindle sales figures and they are pretty impressive. Here's a sample:

On April 8th, I began to upload my own books to Kindle. As of today, June 11, at 11:40am, here is how many copies I've sold, and how much they've earned. 

THE LIST, a technothriller/police procedural novel, is my biggest seller to date, with 1612 copies sold. Since April this has earned $1081.75. I originally priced it at $1.49, and then raised it to $1.89 this month to see if the sales would slow down. The sales sped up instead. 

ORIGIN, a technothriller/horror occult adventure novel, is in second place, with 1096 copies sold and $690.18. As with The List and my other Kindle novels, I upped the price to $1.89. 

SUCKERS is a thriller/comedy/horror novella I wrote with Jeff Strand. It also includes some Konrath and Strand short stories. 449 copies, $306.60.

Joe also talks about some of the lessons he's learned along the way. I'll post the stats from my experiment at the end of the month.

I Want to Grow Crunchberries and Grape Nuts

I love this story, reported by the Lowering the Bar blog.  A California judge threw out a lawsuit filed by a woman who claimed that she bought Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries for years  because she was tricked by deceptive packaging into believing "crunchberries" were real fruit. The judge wrote:

In this case . . . while the challenged packaging contains the word "berries" it does so only in conjunction with the descriptive term "crunch." This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a "crunchberry." Furthermore, the "Crunchberries" depicted on the [box] are round, crunchy, brightly-colored cereal balls, and the [box] clearly states both that the Product contains "sweetened corn & oat cereal" and that the cereal is "enlarged to show texture." Thus, a reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist. . . . So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.

Does this mean that there's no such thing as Fruit Loops or Grape Nuts? (Thanks to Melinda Metz for the link)

Writing Guest Shots for Actors

My friend Ken Levine has an amusing post -- heck, he always has amusing posts -- on writing episodes with a particular actor in mind for the key guest-star part. It's a very risky move. 

When Bill Rabkin & I were doing DIAGNOSIS MURDER, Fred Silverman and our star, Dick Van Dyke, always wanted to snag Mary Tyler Moore or Julie Andrews for the show.  And every season, Dick would run into them at a party or something, corner them about doing a guest shot, and they would always assure him that they would love, absolutely love, to do the show.  

So we would write an episode for Mary or Julie and they would always pass, without even reading the script, as we knew they would. They just didn't have the heart to say no to Dick's face, to tell him they had no interest at all in doing an episode of DIAGNOSIS MURDER. So we'd end up with Piper Laurie, Holland Taylor, Kathleen Quinlan, Stephanie Zimbalist or some other actress instead. It was the same when we wrote, at Dick's insistence, our annual guest part for Carl Reiner...who also always passed. We knew they would never do it...but Dick and Fred wouldn't give up. 

We also had to craft episodes for Dick's neighbors, George C. Scott and Rod Steiger, knowing damn well they wouldn't do the show, either. Scott got out of doing the guest shot brilliantly...he told Dick that he wanted to do the part, then asked us for such an outrageous amount of money that it simply wasn't possible. 

That said, we wrote an episode at Dick's behest for his friends Tim Conway and Harvey Korman and, much to our surprise, they actually agreed to play the parts...and were terrific. The funniest part though, never made it on screen. Tim Conway ad-libbed some hilarious stuff during Dick's reveal of the killer at the end of the episode...but the studio nixed it because it killied the drama. What drama? It was a flat-out comedy episode. (Yes, I am still bitter about it after all these years). 

On the other hand, Bill and I got a lot of press, and mighty big ratings, for our stunt-casting episodes, which we didn't write with particular actors in mind (with the exception of the MANNIX revival, but rather a TV genre -- like TV spies, TV doctors, and TV cops. Our TV spy episode -- with Robert Vaughn, Robert Culp, Patrick MacNee, and Barbara Bain as "Cinnamon Carter" -- was especially memorable for me (and Larry Carroll & David Carren did a fantastic job writing it). 

But Bill and I also stunt cast out of sheer folly, just to amuse ourselves. For no reason whatsoever, we cast an episode only with stars of Garry Marshall sitcoms. For another, we only cast leading actors from different versions/spin-offs of M*A*S*H (we snagged Elliot Gould, Loretta Swit, Sally Kellerman, Chris Norris, Jamie Farr, and William Christopher). Those episodes were so much fun for everyone -- the writers, the cast and the crew --- and were far less risky than tailoring a role for a specific actor. And the network, the critics and the viewers seemed to like it as much as we did.

Han Solo, PI

This clip is all over the net today...and for good reason. It's a riff on the MAGNUM PI main title sequence...only with Harrison Ford as Han Solo. I'm almost ashamed to admit how much I liked this.

UPDATE: This side-by-side comparison between the HAN SOLO PI tribute and the original MAGNUM PI titles shows just how faithful, shot-for-shot, this homage really is.