A Writer's Life

Your Mouth Drives Me Crazy

That's the title of my friend HelenKay Dimon's widely-acclaimed romance novel, now out in a mass-market edition. If the title alone doesn't make you pick up the book, the punchy back-cover copy will:

Annie Parks came to Hawaii to gather information and settle a score, not spend time handcuffed to a sexy stranger’s bed. Okay, so this particular stranger saved her from drowning after she was pitched overboard by some goons. And he’s about six feet of hard, Hawaiian muscle and gorgeous cool that’s making forgotten parts of her say, “A-lo-ha!” She needs to stay focused, but a side dish of Kane Travers is awfully tempting.
Kauai Police Chief Kane Travers is not a vacation kind of guy. So it figures that when Internal Affairs suspended him, he’d end up rescuing a sarcastic, dishonest, extremely hot redhead who is clearly hiding something. Amnesia? Yeah, right. Kane’s got half a mind to give Miss Whoever She Is something she’ll never forget. His cop senses tell him that the lady’s in deep and needs his protection. But how can he get her to tell him anything when his mouth won’t stop covering hers?

If YOUR MOUTH DRIVES ME CRAZY is half as much fun as the jacket copy, you're in for a treat. You can win a free copy at Alison Kent's blog just by telling her something about your mouth...but you'd better hurry, the drawing ends on Monday, March 2 at 8 p.m. CST.

Spy Style

I've been hanging out at Spy Vibe , a blog dedicated to the cool production design of sixties spy films. I've decided that I'd like Ken Adam to remodel my house. 

How to Stalk Stars

My wife stumbed on a website that lists the addresses of celebrities...and even includes aerial photos of their homes. Privacy is clearly a thing of the past.

Mr. Monk Gets Another Nice Review

Gary Mugford at Mugshots gives MR. MONK IN OUTER SPACE a thumbs-up. He says, in part:

Goldberg has lots of fun at the expense of the typical SF convention-goer, but there seems be a respect deep down. [...]But it's really almost an Ambrose book. It's Ambrose who provides the needed insight into the TV series, since he's an expert on the show. It's little insights into Ambrose that makes this something different rather than the same old, same old. That's why this book gets a thumbs up. Goldberg continues to expand the tight little world that is Adrian Monk. As we head to the eighth and final TV season, it's going to get harder and harder to find new sides to the mystery that is Monk. But for the time being, Goldberg continues to deliver solid entertainment in new and surprising ways.

Thanks, Gary!

TV Main Title of the Week - Special Foreign "Law and Order" Edition

Here's the Main Title Sequence for the new "Law & Order: UK"

Here's the main title sequence for the French version of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent."



And, finally, the main title from the Russian version of "Law & Order: SVU"

Rehashes, Reworkings and Reimaginings

Once again, there are quite a few British remakes, shows based on movies, and "reimagined" old TV series among the pilots greenlighted to film for the 2009-2010 season.

NBC, burned badly by THE BIONIC WOMAN and KNIGHT RIDER, seems to have sworn off re-imaginings this season, though they are shooting a pilot based on the movie PARENTHOOD, which already inspired a flop 1990 sitcom on the same network.

CBS seems to have lost interest in foreign remakes (after getting burned with ELEVENTH HOUR, WORST WEEK and THE EX-LIST) and reimaginings (though they haven't tried any yet), passing on proposed remakes of HAWAII FIVE-O, LOST IN SPACE, and STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO. That said, their sister netlet the CW is shooting a MELROSE PLACE remake to capitalize on their success with BEVERLY HILLS 90210.  

ABC is shooting pilots based on the movie THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK, the 1983 NBC series V, and a stateside version of the BBC hit sitcom NO HEROICS. 

Fox is shooting a U.S. version of ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS and resurrecting THE HUMAN TARGET, a comicbook franchise that inspired a flop Rick Springfield series on ABC back in 1992. 

To see a complete list of the networks' various pilots, click on the individual network links above.

Watching Harry O

I have been treating myself to episodes of HARRY O after a day of work. It's been an interesting experience. The first 13 episodes were shot entirely on location in San Diego and had a slow, laconic pace and a real style. David Janssen's Harry Orwell almost never did anything overtly physical...he had a bullet in his back, for God's sake, and he was hardly a buff guy. The plotting wasn't very rigorous, but individual scenes were often sharply written. But around episode 14, the show moved to L.A. and lost a lot, if not all, of its style. The main title theme/opening sequence was "toughened" and so was Harry, who although still world-weary, now gladly engaged in fisticuffs. Suddenly there were sexy and scantily-clad women everywhere and none of them could resist his non-existent charms (though he didn't seem very interested in bedding them). Much of the work that had been "on location" moved into the soundstage and looked it (one particularly cheap set was clearly, and superficially, redressed multiple times over two episodes). On the other hand, Anthony Zerbe came in as Lt. Trench, the best "friend on the force" in TV PI history (and a role that earned him an Emmy). The scenes between Harry and Trench, which would have been expositional hell in any other PI show (and in the first 13 of Harry O, with Henry Darrow as the cop, often were), crackled and became the best thing about the series. I am only three episodes into the LA-set episodes, though. There are still 24 more to see...including one where Henry Darrow's Lt. Manny Quinlan character came back to be killed off. (You can see the first scene of the second Harry O pilot and the first regular episode, "Gertrude," on YouTube)

You Are Sitting in a Chair in the Sky

I'm not a fan of the comic Louis CK, but his bit on Conan about how little we appreciate the marvels of modern technology is hilarious...and absolutely true.  

I Do Not Understand the DVD Business

The complete first season of CANTERBURY'S LAW, a show from last season that nobody on earth watched, is coming out on DVD this week. All six episodes. To which I say....WHY!? 

What possible reason could there be for putting this unmitigated flop out on DVD while there are so many, many shows that people did watch, that actually lasted more than a mere six episodes, that still haven't been put out on DVD? 

What is the market for this? Who do they expect to buy this thing? Are there legions of Canterberries out there, dressing up like Julianna Margulies at CanterberrieCons and clamoring for its release that I don't know about?

I do not get the TV-on-DVD business at all.

Mystery Money For You

The Mystery Writers of America is awarding $500 scholarships for aspiring writers to attend conferences and short-term writing programs. The details are below and you need not be an MWA member to apply for the grants:  

2009 Helen McCloy/MWA Scholarship for Mystery Writing
INFORMATION: http://www.mysterywriters.org/?q=AwardsPrograms-McCloy
APPLICATION FORM:  http://www.mysterywriters.org/files/2009_McCloy_application.pdf
What Is It?
The Helen McCloy/MWA Scholarship for Mystery Writing seeks to nurture talent in mystery writing—in fiction, nonfiction, playwriting, and screenwriting.
Who May Apply?
The scholarship is open to U.S. citizens or permanent residents only. Membership in Mystery Writers of America is not required to apply.
How May the Scholarship Be Used?
The scholarship may be used to offset tuition and fees for U.S. writing workshops, writing seminars, or university/college-level writing programs.
The scholarship committe would like to emphasize to potential applicants that scholarship funds may be used for short-term writing workshops, conferences, and seminars, and not solely for university/college-level writing courses.
What Is the Scholarship Amount?
MWA will present two scholarships for up to $500 each in summer/fall 2009.
What do I need to submit?
>  Scholarship application form
>  Copy of official description of writing workshop, seminar or class printed by the institution/sponsor of writing program
>  FIVE COPIES of a mystery writing sample (e.g., 3 chapters from a novel with a synopsis, 
    3 short stories, 3 pieces of short nonfiction work, 1 screenplay, or 1 play script)
>  Two letters of recommendation (usually from teachers who can speak to the applicant’s writing ability)
>  FIVE COPIES of a short (300- to 500-word) essay on the applicant’s interest in mystery writing 
The scholarship committee may also require a syllabus or other documentation from the writing program to be attended.
Submission Address:
Helen McCloy/MWA Scholarship Committee
PO Box 16319
Saint Paul MN 55116-0319
Application Deadline:
All applications must be postmarked by February 28, 2009. No late applications or emailed applications will be accepted.
Questions?
Contact the Helen McCloy/MWA Scholarship Committee at the address above or e-mail mccloy-mwa@lycos.com. No phone calls, please.

This Stone Finally Turned

Jesse Stone is back...finally. CBS is airing THIN ICE, the fifth of Tom Selleck's Jesse Stone movies and the first one not adapted from a Robert B. Parker novel, on March 1. The big mystery, though, isn't the one that Stone solves in the movie -- it's why it has taken so long for this one to show up on TV. It was shot in August 2007 and has been on the shelf ever since, even though the Jesse Stone movies are consistently strong performers for CBS (and the last one earned Selleck an Emmy nomination). And the network hasn't lost faith in the franchise...they've already ordered and shot NO REMORSE, the sixth movie in the series. So why was THIN ICE on ice for a year-and-a-half? 

I'm just glad it's finally airing. I love the Jesse Stone movies -- far more, in fact, than the books that they have been based on. I hope this one is as good as the others. CBS could do a lot worse than making Jesse Stone a weekly series, assuming that Selleck is up for it.

UPDATE 3/2/2009: Just finished watching it. I think it might be the best of the Jesse Stone movies. 

UPDATE 2/27/2008: MaryMcNamara at the Los Angeles Times loved the movie, too.

With a cast that has won its weight in Emmys and Golden Globes, it's not surprising that

"Thin Ice" is filled with great performances; what is surprising is that so many of them are so marvelously small and subtle. This is a slow-moving film, especially in comparison with the often hyperkinetic pacing of today's television, but that's one of its greatest strengths.Like good police work, good storytelling requires time and a eye for detail; "Jesse Stone: Thin Ice" has both.

UPDATE: Alan Sepinwall at the New Jersey Star-Ledger gives the movie a rave.

It's a role that fits star Tom Selleck like a glove. "Thin Ice" is Selleck's fifth Stone movie, and the first not directly adapted from one of Parker's novels, even though several Stone books remain unfilmed. (The eighth book, "Night and Day," came out this week.) Given the richness and cinematic quality of the Stone books, I was nervous about the TV series moving away from the source material, but Selleck so thoroughly embodies Jesse's flinty yet wisecracking personality that "Thin Ice" feels like something Parker might have written, even though he didn't.

When Boobs Aren't Enough

I caught up on the premiere of DOLLHOUSE, which is MY OWN WORST ENEMY with boobs, a much more muddled concept, and much less compelling characters.  But even nice boobs aren't reason enough to tune in for another episode.  So I won't be watching again. 

UPDATE: I broke my resolve, mostly because of Kay Reindl's rave review, and watched episode #2. I liked it even less than episode one. The story-telling in the episode is a time-shifting mess (that felt like clips from the scrapped pilot) hung around one of the dustier TV cliches -- yet another variation on "The Most Dangerous Game," and not a very interesting one at that. Kay found depths of emotion in the episode that I didn't see -- or, should I say, feel -- at all. It was about as cold and distant as a TV show can get, which isn't a good thing. By it's very nature, DOLLHOUSE is a show devoid of character because each week Ms. Boobs-in-a-tanktop gets imprinted with a new personality. So the only constant are the boobs-in-a-tanktop (to the point of of being unintentionally funny)...and the enormous suspension of disbelief required by the franchise itself, which is overly and unnecessarily complicated and not the least bit enthralling. LA FEMME NIKITA -- the movie and the series --- told the same basic story as DOLLHOUSE. So did MY OWN WORST ENEMY. At least with ENEMY there were two distinct characters to care about, both played by Christian Slater. And the concept was a much easier buy, and more cleanly dramatized, than the one in DOLLHOUSE. But ENEMY still bombed. I'm betting that this one will, too. You'd have to be a diehard, slavishly devoted Whedon fan to stick with this. I'm not. 

TV Main Title of the Week

Lost in Space Main Titles Reimagined

Someone has done a cool update of the classic LOST IN SPACE second season main title and posted it on YouTube. Here it is.

Another guy took a shot at remastering the season three titles and they're pretty impressive, too.

Going Back to the Napkin

Here's a blast-from-the-past that I stumbled on tonight... Tod and I interviewing each other for Beatrice.com back in 2005.

Tod: How is it that we both grew up in the same house and yet we both write such dramatically different things? People always ask me if I see similarities in our work, but I rarely do, other than that we are prodigious killers of fictional people and that we’ve both set novels in the same exact place (Loon Lake, WA). Why do you think we write such different kinds of books?

Lee: I’m still trying to figure out the Loon Lake thing. It’s like our family’s collective unconscious (our uncle also set part of his novel at Loon Lake). You don’t know this, but I also have fifty pages of a torrid, James M. Cain-esque novel set at Loon Lake that I started writing three or four years ago and never finished. Before I gave up on it, I scrawled the key plot points on a napkin in case I ever wanted to get back to it. It was as if I knew I was going to abandon it even before I did. Well, I didn’t entirely abandon it. I think about it every few months and I lifted a paragraph or two from it for The Man With the Iron-On Badge, so those fifty pages weren’t a complete waste.

But to answer your question, we write different books because we are different people. Given a choice between reading a literary novel or a thriller, I’ll choose the thriller most of the time. You’ll choose the literary fiction. That’s not to say I don’t read non-crime/non-genre novels…I do. We share some of the same favorite authors. But I love thrillers, mysteries, and westerns—basically, escapist fiction—with a passion that you clearly do not.

Maybe it has to do with TV. I was a voracious reader as a kid, but I also grew up watching a lot more TV than you did and developing a true love of the four-act structure. Maybe watching all that TV shaped what I expect from a story…a kind of narrative engine, conflict, and personal stakes that aren’t always found in literary fiction. Or I’m just superficial.

As it turns out, I pulled out that napkin the other day and am actually thinking about tackling that book now.

Lightsword Becomes a Vanity Press

Now that Lightsword Publishing has gone bankrupt, crippled by revelations of fraud and incompetence, disgraced "publisher" Linda Daly has reconstituted the company as a vanity press operation. Here's what she's written on her Lightsword Digital site:

Currently, LSP Digital is NOT accepting submissions. In early Spring of 2009 we look forward in updating our guidelines for submission requirements along with a complete outline of any and all fees for publishing with LSP Digital, LLC.

Now that's chutzpah. 

Hosing Yourself

Author John Gilstrap doesn't understand the desire to self-publish at all.

I don’t understand why people would pay the thousands of dollars necessary to make self-publishing happen. If the goal is to get one’s book into the hands of friends and family, a Kinko’s would serve as well as a self-publishing house. If the desired audience is bigger than that, the writer is hosed. Selling a hundred copies to people who all know where you live is not really publishing, is it? Isn’t the point to sell not tens of copies, but tens of thousands of copies? It’s impossible to get that kind of distribution without a legitimate publisher.

He's right, of course. But some argue that pros like John are looking at this from the wrong angle. Some authors aren't interested in making any money on their art, they are in it for the creative expression. Well, if that's the case, why not just post the book for free download on a blog? doesn't understand why anyone would self-publish.

Tie-ins: The Final Frontier

Author Vonda McIntyre blogs about breaking-in as a tie-in writer with her STAR TREK novels and the snobbery she encountered.

Back in the 1980s, I wrote a bunch of Star Trek novels. I thoroughly enjoyed writing them. Pretty much the only drawback was that some of my colleagues took exception to my polluting my precious bodily fluids with evil tie-in novels. You’d’ve thought they believed they had to save my soul, blathering about the improvement in my moral character that would result if instead I took an honest job as a waitress.

But mostly she shares a lot of amusing and interesting anecdotes about her tie-in days in the post and subsequent comments. Her post sparked a debate over at Metafilter and at John Scalzi's blog. He writes, in part:

With very few exceptions, media tie-in SF outsells original SF, often by a significant amount. Now, we can argue about why this is and whether this is a good thing for the genre or not, but at the end of the day, it’s a fact and it’s something authors give serious consideration to, in terms of its value to their overall career. [...]I don’t write tie-in SF for my own reasons, but it’s not to say I wouldn’t if the right project came along. I have quite a number of friends who do or have written tie-ins, and you know what, when all is said and done they’re generally getting paid well to do work they love in universes they’re fans of, for audiences who well appreciate their efforts. Maybe some people want to crap all over that and call them hacks. I heartily raise a middle finger at them.

Obviously, I agree. I read some of the comments on Scalzi's blog and at Metafilter and the argument some folks are making against tie-ins is that they are so successful that they are squeezing better, original books off the shelves. It's a disingenuous and dumb argument. The fact is if the non-tie-in is selling well, it won't be pushed off the shelf by the latest STAR TREK novel. The reason the tie-ins are on the shelf in the first place is because people are buying them. If there wasn't a voracious market for them, they wouldn't exist.

You'll Thank Me Later

David Breckman, a writer-producer-director on MONK, has started blogging. 

My new blog. Question: Can I possibly keep this going? Answer: If the entries are brief enough, I think I have a shot. Toward that end I am determined to keep each post down to 350 words or less.

One thing you can count on is an inside look at the making of MONK, like this post about a recent visit to the New Jersy writers room by Tony Shalhoub, USA chief Jeff Wachtel, and co-exec producer Randy Zisk:

We were mainly in the writers' room, all of us sitting around the big table as Andy Breckman (my brother and, as MONK's creator and showrunner, also my boss) walked the three of them through most of the upcoming episodes of our eighth and final season. Andy gave them a detailed description of the first nine shows, thumbnail summaries of five or six more -- the ones we haven't "broken" yet -- and not so much as a peep about the finale. [...] Andy held forth. We writers chimed in occasionally. And Randy, Tony and Jeff all scribbled continuousy in their legal pads, asking good questions and (bless their hearts) laughing in all the right places. [...] Andy joked that because this was to be MONK's final season it was also surely Jeff Wachtel's last visit to New Jersey ever. Jeff laughed as hard as the rest of us but did not contradict him.

You should visit his blog regularly. You'll thank me later.

The Mail I Get

I am not a publisher, editor, or studio chief. I don't buy books or screenplays. And yet I am constantly being pitched manuscripts and screenplays by aspiring writers.  Here's the introduction from a particularly inept unsolicited pitch that I got today:

Mr. Goldbrg, 

My name is Theodore Chambers, and I am an aspiring author. No, I take that back. I AM an author. Just not published yet! I have just completed my first novel, and am sending feelers out to highly selected group of publishing industry luminarios to invite them (you!) to take your seasoned red pen to my new manuscript and mark away, giving me all your honest thoughts on pacing, character, setting, theme, and plot devices. I know in my heart of hearts that I am destined to be a famous author, and I think you will see the potential here for joining me on this journey. Just imagine if Nora Roberts had come to you, Mr. Goldbrg, and said please look at my first manuscript. If you had accepted that challenge, you would be spoken of today in even greater tones than you already are. Here is your chance to make up for missing out on that!

Let me see if I have this straight -- since I didn't have the opportunity to read Nora Roberts' first manuscript and be spoken of  in "even greater tones" than I already am, I should now devote days of my time to reading, editing, and critiquing a manuscript from a total stranger who can't even spell my name? Gee, how could I resist an opportunity like that!? But wait, there's more:

Please let me know ASAP if you would like to see the manuscript, or perhaps if you are already intrigued enough we can possibly discuss potential agents or editors. I am more than willing to cut you in on a finder's fee if anything comes from you.

How generous. Needless to say, I won't be asking to read his "soon-to-be published novel titled THE ARGOSY AGONY." Clearly, this "destined to be famous author" has simply spammed every established novelist with a blog or website (his "highly selected group of publishing industry luminarios") with his solicitation, which includes a lengthy (and awful) plot summary that's riddled with typos and miss-spellings.  The sad thing is that he doesn't realize what a bad impression he's creating among the "luminarios" that he believes that he's destined to join...and how self-destructive his solicitation actiually is.

TV Main Title of the Week

Lazy Days and Beloved Characters

I finished writing my latest MONK novel the other day and I felt like lazing around. I've had a lot on my mind lately and after writing a book I didn't feel much like reading one. So I vegged out on television...some new, some old. 

The "new" were the latest episodes of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA and TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES.  

The BATTLESTAR episode was, astonishingly, one hour of pure exposition...mightily well-written, grandiose and flowery exposition, but exposition all the same....the dreaded "Irving the Explainer" taken to new, galactic heights by three Cylon-the-Explainers. Only a serialized series on it's last episode or two that doesn't give a damn anymore about drawing new viewers would dare film an episode like that and call it entertainment (though Marc Bernardin at Entertainment Weekly thought it was so "revelatory" that it "melted my Goddamn face off.")

The TERMINATOR episode was merely dull and totally uninvolving, relying heavily on the over-used trick of having the hero (or in this case, heroine) talk to an imaginary character. Alan Ball should be shot for doing it so effectively on SIX FEET UNDER because now every TV series has to do it. Nobody seems to have noticed that it became a cliche three years ago and is now slipping into unintentional parody. At least the folks on GREY'S ANATOMY have raised the stakes by having the heroine fuck the character who isn't there...oh, wait, I take it back, GALACTICA did that two seasons ago when it still had a sense of humor to go along with all of its dread and misery. The folks at TERMINATOR have forgotten what made the TERMINATOR movies so much fun...and have gotten mired in dreary angst...probably because angst is cheaper to shoot than Terminators destroying things. The John Connor character has become a morose, whiny, Excedrin headache come-to-life...but the two lady Terminators? They're great. 

The "old"  TV that I watched was a private eye marathon that I staged for myself with episodes of HARRY O starring David Janssen, THE OUTSIDER starring Darren McGavin and THE ROCKFORD FILES starring James Garner.

THE OUTSIDER and ROCKFORD were, essentially, the same show, about a down-and-out ex-con turned private eye in L.A. Roy Huggins created THE OUTSIDER and co-created ROCKFORD with Steve Cannell, who brought more humor to the concept.  I liked all three of them very much ..not so much for the plotting, which was often weak and predictable, but for the mood and the terrific anti-private eyes at the heart of those series (and the brilliant lead actors who played them). Nobody did world-weary heroes and lovable losers like McGavin, Janssen and Garner.  It's hard to pick a favorite among these three great series, but if I had to, I guess it would be HARRY O.  

Janssen is a pleasure to watch as beach-bum Harry Orwell, riding around San Diego on the bus, tie loose around his collar, a permanently pained expression on his tan, lined face. What a terrific character. Both Rockford and Ross were tougher than they looked, but not Harry. He wasn't tough at all. Just bone-tired and lonely...and too caring for his own good. He couldn't even run after a bad guy or a damsel in distress, not with that damn bullet permanently stuck in his aching back. What other private eye but Harry would turn down a willing Linda Evans by saying "I can't make love unless I'm in love...just a little." Ross and Rockford would have bedded her in a second...out of desperation and opportunity if nothing else. Not Harry.

Sure, the plotting in HARRY O was often lousy, but the show captured, better than any other before or since, the pure pleasur of reading a great PI novel. The show wasn't as complex as a Ross MacDonald or even John D. MacDonald novel, but it aimed for that kind of emotional and psychological complexity...even when it pandered with a drooling psychokiller plot (starting with it's pilot, "Smile Jenny, You're Dead"). 

Watching HARRY O, ROCKFORD and THE OUTSIDER, I realized what those old shows had over those two, recent episodes of GALACTICA and TERMINATOR. Character. Keep in mind, GALACTICA and TERMINATOR are two of my favorite shows (well, they were). But, at the risk of sounding like an old coot blogging from his bungalow at the Motion Picture Home, I think that too often shows today confuse angst with character, dread with depth, misery with complexity. A character doesn't have to be in endless spasms of self-loathing, denial, heart-break and agony to be someone worth watching or caring about. That's cheap and easy "complexity" for a writer, it's writing a character rather than creating one...and it's a beating for the audience. Characters are more than the sum of their pain, anguish and loss...and their capacity for cruelty to themselves and others.  It's not superficial or weak writing to explore more subtle conflicts...and to season them with humor, compassion, vulnerability, and some joy. There are people I love very much who are going through very hard times...and yet they haven't lost their sense of humor or their ability to find joy in their lives, even in their darkest moments. If anything, it's that capacity for humor and joy that is seeing them through it.

I love (or, I should say, loved) GALACTICA and TERMINATOR...but Captain Adama and Starbuck, Sarah Connor and John Connor....in the end, they aren't memorable characters. They feel like writerly constructs. Pain masquerading as character. They don't live and breath the way Lt. Columbo, Tony Soprano, Archie Bunker, Adrian Monk, Al Swearingen, Mr. Spock, Mary Richards, Matt Dillon, George Costanza, or even Dexter Morgan do, to name a few. Because despite all of the dark, angst-ridden conflicts that the writers have created for them, the characters on GALACTICA and TERMINATOR are incessantly one-note: Miserable. And too often than not, they leave the viewer feeling the same way.

Missouri Breaks

The 94th Annual Missouri Writer's Guild Conference April 3-5 in Cape Girardeau is shaping up to be a terrific weekend...and I'm not just saying that because I'm one of the lecturers. Speakers are still being added, but folks on tap include Simon & Schuster editor Kate Angelella and writer Harvey Stanbrough, who has been nominated for the National Book Award, the Pulitzer Prize, the Pushcart Prize, and just about everything else except the Booker, the Nobel, and The Oscar (but I'm sure they'll be calling him any minute now). Here's some more info from the conference organizers on the Sunday "Master Classes."

Spend the night at Drury Lodge for $85 and attend a Sunday Masters Class for $65 from 9 to noon! If you have a busy weekend, you can just come to Cape for Sunday morning and attend a master's class. These are smaller sized classes where you have intense instruction from a writing professional. Many of these are taught in workshop format where you will be doing some writing and learning both! Here's the four fantastic classes we are offering:

Class Number One: Lee Goldberg's "Breaking Into TV Writing -- The Crash Course."

TV writer/producer Lee Goldberg ("SeaQuest," "Monk," "Diagnosis Murder," ) will teach you how to watch TV the way professional television writers do -- how to recognize the "franchise" of a show, the four-act structure, and the unique conflicts that drive the weekly storytelling. These are essential skills that are not only important in understanding TV, but also in writing the all important spec script that will be your calling card (but many of the lessons he teaches can also be applied to novel-writing). This three-hour seminar combines a free-wheeling lecture and discussion with clips from television shows that highlight the key points. You'll never watch TV the same way again after this seminar.

Class Number Two: Harvey Stanbrough's "Writing Realistic Dialogue Workshop" 

Harvey's classes are often STANDING ROOM ONLY. He's that good! This is a discussion of the necessity and excessive use of tag lines and brief descriptive narrative passages; the physical and abstract nuances of Implication; the use of sentences vs. sentence fragments; the use of dialect, including truncated and/or phonetic spellings; mechanics; and conveying emotion through dialogue.

Class Number Three: Barri Bumgarner's "Let's Write! Workshop"

Barri Bumgarner is a teacher like no other. She is enthusiastic, fun, and encouraging. Anytime you have a chance to take a class with Barri--seize the opportunity. This class is a session designed to inspire and get ideas formulated, design characters, plots, and even do a bit of writing!

Class Number Four: Annette Fix's "Memoir Workshop"

Annette Fix has written a fantastic memoir, The Break-Up Diet, and this is not easy to do. She brings her story to life through humor and also includes universal themes. If you are writing a memoir or ever thought about writing one, you don't want to miss this workshop.
Don't delay! Sign up today! www.mwgconference.org (We've heard rumors there's a storytelling festival in Cape that weekend, too. So there's lots of things to do!)

PSYCH'd again

The cover of William Rabkin's next original PSYCH novel, "Mind Over Magic," has just been released. Alas, there are no pineapples on the cover. The book comes out in July, the same time as my next MONK, "Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop," so maybe we'll do another signing together and beg Hansen's for another terrific cake.

Remakes A-Go-Go and Not-A-Go

Variety reports that Fox has cast Kathryn Hahn as Edie (played by Jennifer Saunders in the original) and Kristen Johnston as Patsy (originally played by Joanna Lumley) in their latest attempt to remake  the hit UK sitcom ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS. Hahn was the neighbor in REVOLUTIONARY ROAD and Johnston is best known for her work on 3rd ROCK FROM THE SUN.

Meanwhile, director king David Nutter, who has a perfect record of getting his pilots picked up to series, has agreed to helm the third try at a WITCHES OF EASTWICK series. 

CBS greenlit a slew of pilots this week...but so far they haven't ordered the buzzed-about remakes of STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO or HAWAII FIVE-O. 

Mr. Monk and the Mug Shot

Gary Mugford gave MR. MONK AND THE TWO ASSISTANTS a great review on his blog Mugshots. He says, in part:

Goldberg takes advantage of being a novelist to bring back Sharona in Mr. Monk and the Two Assistants. And that sets up a battle between assistant Past and assistant Present to see who will be assistant Future. In doing so, he captures Natalie's insecurities perfectly. Afterall, he's been inside her head for quite a while now. He also recaps most of those earlier book adventures in some small detail during this book, making it a good jumping on point for the series. Not suprisingly, this is apparently the best-selling of the series of novels to date.

It looks like the book is about to be eclipsed in sales by MR. MONK IS MISERABLE, but TWO ASSISTANTS is definitely a big favorite among the fans.  I'm toying with a notion for bringing Sharona back, perhaps in book #11. But we'll see....

Thanks for the review, Gary!

TV Main Title of the Week

On the Red Carpet

I am heading off pretty soon to the launch party at the Mystery Bookstore for my friend Jerrilyn Farmer's MURDER AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS, which she wrote with Joan Rivers.  Publisher's Weekly gave it a starred review which said, in part:

This smooth blend of Rivers's trademark bitchy humor and Farmer's deft plotting also offers a poignant reminder about the cost of fame for too many young Hollywood celebs.

UPDATE - The launch party drew a huge crowd. Jerrilyn regaled everyone with hilarious stories of working with Joan Rivers. Judging by the affectionate stories Jerrilyn told, it's a perfect and fun-filled collaboration. I'm sure that fun comes across on the page, too. (Pictured: yours truly, Mystery Bookstore owner Pam Woods, and Jerrilyn Farmer, photo courtesy of Linda Brown)

No Heroics

This British sitcom about superheroes is absolutely hilarious. I have to thank Denis McGrath for tipping me off to it. Here's a taste:

I Spy a Great Book

Open Channel D! Wesley Britton has accomplished a mission impossible -- he's written the ultimate reference work on TV Spies on-the-air, in print, and even in music. Get Smart -- the ENCYCLOPEDIA OF TV SPIES is now available for pre-order from the publisher and you should grab it. 

Britton’s book is a long overdue and desperately needed reference work is not only a detailed and complete listing of every spy show on TV, it also includes appendices on TV spy soundtracks and novelizations that, on their own, are well worth the purchase price.  This richly detailed encyclopedia will satisfy both the curiosity of fans and the scholarly needs of researchers. But it's not fanboy drool nor is it dry and academic. Britton clearly loves his subject and approaches it with enthusiasm that comes through on every page. I strongly recommend it!

A Great Frak'in Interview

Today I interviewed legendary writer/producer Glen A. Larson on camera for the Archive of American Television. He's created such shows as KNIGHT RIDER, FALL GUY, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, MAGNUM PI and QUINCY...and added the word "Frak" to our vocabulary. It went great and he told some terrific stories (and offered some fascinating insights into the TV business in the 1970s and 80s). One of the many surprising bits of trivia is that Sheryl Crow sang the theme to his series P.S. I LUV YOU with Greg Evigan. I'll be sure to let you know when the 4 hour video interview is on-line.  

 

TV Main Title of the Week - Special Obscure Glen A. Larson Shows Edition

Christian Bale Goes Batty

TMZ has a audio tape of Christian Bale's insane tirade after the Director of Photography of Terminator Salvation accidentally walked into the star's eye line during a shot. The recording was apparently sent to the film's insurance company in case Bale bailed on the movie mid-production. I don't get why the director didn't step in and try to save his DP -- and the crew -- from Bale's tirade. Was McG just sitting there and watching? This was a much as insult to the director's control as it was a humiliation for the poor DP.

The sad truth is that Bale is so successful that he can get away with this repugnant, unprofessional behavior like this -- nobody wants to offend a guy who makes the studios this much money, no matter how offensive he might be. I've worked with a couple of actors like that -- but they weren't big enough stars to get away with it and didn't. It's not pleasant. 

The Best 25 List Yet...

...comes from my brother Tod. It's "25 Random Things I Hate About F**ktards On Facebook I Don't Know In The Least But Who, Nonetheless, Are My 'Friends.'" Here are some of my laugh-out-loud favorites:

4. I hate that I know you just got home from work and are having a Lean Cuisine and watching your VHS collection of Benson reruns.

8. I hate that you have been stalking my sisters Linda and Karen and now suddenly figure out that even though they won't speak to you, it might be neat to become friends with me, and my brother, and my mother, and my cousin Mike, and my cousin Danny, and my uncle Burl, and my wife Wendy. And none of us know who the f**k you are. And so we email each other and say, "Who the f**k is Irene?" And we all agree that we don't know. And then we agree, after reading your profile, that you need mental help and need to scrapbook a whole lot f**king less than you do. 

24. I hate you, you dumb motherf**ker, who sent my agent a book and said that you were my friend and when she asked me, "Is this person your friend?" I said, "Uh, not that I know of." And then I got a wild idea and looked on facebook and there you were.

How Affectionate Are Obama and his Wife? You don't want to know.

TV Main Title of the Week

TV Main Title of the Week - Special Government Bail Out Edition

It seems to me that now would be the perfect time to remake this sitcom...

25 Writers Who Have Influenced Me

Author Raymond Benson started this meme on Facebook and it's quickly catching on. My list, of novelists and screenwriters, in no particular order is:

1. Gregory MacDonald 

2. Ian Fleming 

3. Robert B. Parker 

4. John Irving 

5. Larry McMurtry 

6. Frederick Manfred 

7. Stephen J. Cannell 

8. Roy Huggins 

9. Ross MacDonald 

10. Richard Maibaum 

11. Harry Whittington 

12. John D. MacDonald 

13. Elmore Leonard 

14. Richard S. Prather 

15. Ed McBain 

16. E.F Wallengren 

17. Michael Gleason 

18. Ross H. Spencer 

19. Stephen King 

20. A.B. Guthrie 

21. Blake Edwards 

22. William Goldman 

23. Norman Lear 

24. Neil Simon 

25. Carl Hiaasen

Of course, immediately after compiling the list, I started thinking of people I left out... like Charles Willeford, Donald Hamilton, "Franklin W. Dixon," "Carolyn Keene," the guy who wrote "Encyclopedia Brown," the guy(s) who wrote "The Three Investigators," Steven Bochco, Leslie Charteris, Levinson & Link, Robert Ludlum, James Crumley, Trevanian, and Rod Serling...but I only had 25. (Pictured: Michael Gleason and Robert B. Parker & I).