A Writer's Life

Best Laugh of the Day...

...comes from my friend author Harley Jane Kozak at Lipstick Chronicles.

Those of you who recall my family’s holiday incident, “The Death of Santa,” earlier this month will not be surprised to learn of its domino effect. Last week my 8-year old daughter found an old note from the Tooth Fairy.

“Mommy,” she said, studying it, “this printing looks like yours.”

I said nothing. My daughter looked up at me.

“It’s you!” she yelled. “Again! Every fairy is you, every Claus is you – is God you?”

“No, no,” I said quickly. “I’m not God.”

Free Mystery Scene

For next few days, the fine folks at Mystery Scene are offering to send out sample copies of their excellent magazine to anyone who wants one absolutely free. All you have to do is visit their website and request a copy -- there are no strings attached. Be sure to tell'em that Lee sent you.

Is Flashpoint the Turning Point for Canadian TV?

Since we're talking about Canadian TV here lately... During the writer's strike, CBS and NBC looked the the Great White North for replacement programming. CBS snagged the Canadian series FLASHPOINT and NBC grabbed THE LISTENER. 

FLASHPOINT did modestly well and is coming back for more episodes next month, THE LISTENER hasn't aired yet. But Globe & Mail TV critic John Doyle seems to think FLASHPOINT already marks a significant turning point for Canadian TV: 

FLASHPOINT changed everything. It benefited from the paucity of new shows available in the United States, thanks to the Writers Guild of America strike, but as soon as it became a hit, it brought the Canadian TV industry alive with hope and ideas. It also got better, episode by episode. And it showcased great Canadian actors to Hollywood and the world.

I think it may be too soon for the Canadians to assume FLASHPOINT is a major game-changer for their industry (or a certified hit on American TV).

It's certainly not the first time a Canadian show has been tried on U.S. primetime. CBS has toyed with Canadian content many times over the years...first with their "Crimetime After Primetime" latenight  schedule of Canadian shows (NIGHT HEAT, ADDERLY, DIAMONDS, etc) in the 1980s. They occasionally tried out the shows in primetime without success. And in 1994, CBS carried DUE SOUTH in primetime for a couple of seasons but it failed to spark a wave of home-grown Canadian programs on American airwaves (to be fair, it wasn't a true Canadian series, though. FLASHPOINT is set in Toronto....DUE SOUTH was a twist on McCLOUD, bringing a Canadian Mountie to Chicago).

Five or six years ago, UPN aired the popular Canadian series POWERPLAY...and cancelled it after just one disasterously low-rated airing. And, more recently, Lifetime briefly aired the Canadian vampire series BLOOD TIES to little notice.

It will be interesting to see if FLASHPOINT can hold its own now in a much more competitive environment than it faced during its initial airing...and if lives up to all the hopes the Canadian TV industry seems to be pinning on it

TV Main Title of the Week

Spying is Hard Work

The Washington Post reports that the CIA is offering Afghan warlords Viagra in return for their help battling the Taliban.

"You didn't hand it out to younger guys, but it could be a silver bullet to make connections to the older ones," said one retired operative familiar with the drug's use in Afghanistan. Afghan tribal leaders often had four wives -- the maximum number allowed by the Koran -- and aging village patriarchs were easily sold on the utility of a pill that could "put them back in an authoritative position," the official said.

TV, eh?

Canadian TV writer Denis McGrath laments the current state of the TV biz up there:

The business model here -- buy U.S. shows at dumped fire sale prices, and show 'em at the same time while you paste on your commercials -- was always a far more fragile model than the one in the USA. But as the model that made their piggyback-industry possible crumbles, all the signs point toward the mandarins here taking in exactly the wrong lessons, and doubling down on a dying strategy.

As I have mentioned in past posts, Canada isn't particularly well-known for the quality of their home-grown, episodic dramas. But that doesn't mean they aren't producing a lot of them -- the problem is, many are American shows that are merely shot in Canada for the tax breaks. Or, as blogger Will Dixon pointed out:

[...]as far as 'defining' us, service producing US programming is certainly high on the list of things we do as an industry...and the Stargates' definitely fall into that category (which is kind of an unfair rap against them because even though the vast majority of cast, crew, writers, showrunners are Canadian, it's primary investors and broadcasters have been American - MGM and US's Showtime and then SciFi channel). Thus, most people up here don't perceive them as distinctly 'Canadian' shows.

STARGATE, THE X FILES, THE COMMISH, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, PSYCH, and SMALLVILLE (and the first season of MONK) are just a few of the many American shows that have been out-sourced to Canada. Although the shows were shot entirely in Canada, and 95% of the cast and crew were Canadian, nobody considers them Canadian series...because they were created, developed, and financed in the United States, where they had their initial airings. 

The unfortunate truth is that without American out-sourcing of TV production to Canada, the TV industry up there would be hardly an industry at all...and that's not good for the future of Canadian TV.

Matt Helm Covers

The HMSS Blog pointed me to this entertaining collection of Matt Helm bookcovers. The HMSS blog notes:

[...]as the series goes on, he’s drawn to look younger and more of a stud. That’s interesting given he was listed as being 36 years old at the start of the series, which ran from 1960 through 1993.

The Company

Last night I finished reading Robert Littell's THE COMPANY, a 900 page novel about the CIA. It read like 300 pages. I blazed through the book and really enjoyed it...despite its many faults. 

What I liked was the epic scale (the story covers 50 years, from the end of World War II to the mid-1990s), the historical and geographical details, and the byzantine workings of the espionage game. That's really where Littell excels -- you feel as if you're reading fact not fiction. He clearly has indepth knowledge of what he's writing about.

Where Littell stumbles is with repetitive, cliche-ridden dialogue (eg: "This is turning into a fucking can of worms," The Sorcerer muttered. "I think we're barking up the wrong tree -- we maybe ought to give some thought to taking our business elsewhere" or "There was someone once, but too much water has passed under the bridge.") and heavy-handed attempts at romance. It's immediately clear which women the spies will fall in love with...and repetitively done (every time a spy gets involved with a woman behind enemy lines, he falls in love with her and, if she survives, he marries her). 

Littell also has a troubling fixation with female nipples, describing them often and usually in the same way. He has one woman's nipple torn off during a torture scene and, more than once, describes the nipples of the young girls who are being preyed upon by a child molesting spy chief. 

But cliches and nipple fixations aside, this was one of the best spy novels I've read in years. Now I'm going to watch the TV mini-series to see how the adaptation was done. I am curious about the creative choices the screenwriters made to streamline the plot and pare the novel down.

Chance Meetings

I can't go to Costco without running into family, friends, neighbors or people I've worked with. It's like our town center. Today I ran into my brother-in-law and my niece, one of my neighbors, and actor Jeffrey Combs, who I worked with on MARTIAL LAW (and who I bumped into last year at customs at LAX coming back from Europe). We chatted together at my Costco power table and ate our power hot dogs. We discussed the possible SAG strike, the pluses and minuses of working overseas, and the how the TV biz is changing. He's a very nice guy -- it's a shame that he's always playing villains. So my quick errand to Costco turned into a two hour trip, but that's okay. I love chance encounters like that. Now I'm sitting in the parking lot at Petco while my wife and daughter look for a sweater for our dog... 

Mysterical-E is Tied In

Gerald So's column at Mysterical-E today is an appreciation of media tie-ins. He writes, in part:

A common misconception is that tie-ins are poorly or quickly written, and while some have seemed that way to me, as my reading tastes have matured, I've been able to choose better-written material. What makes me personally pick up a tie-in novel or comic book these days? The author has to have some experience writing for the original medium and the new one, as Monk novelist Lee Goldberg has with USA Network's Monk. Because Goldberg has written for the show, and because he is a novelist in his own right, he's well suited to bring Monk to the page.

[...]In some ways, tie-in writing is more difficult than creating characters and a story from scratch. Tie-in writers have to deliver the best of both worlds: what the existing fan base enjoys about the original concept and what the new fan base expects from the new concept. For example, Tod Goldberg's first tie-in, Burn Notice: The Fix delivered the wry spycraft from the TV show but also delivered an intricate plot better suited to a novel than to TV's usual 44 minutes.

Thanks, Gerald!

The Mail I Get

I got an email from a self-published author. Here it is, in its entirety (minus his name):

Hello, Thank you so much for your time and I hope today finds you well. I write today to present 2 works…one fiction, one non-fiction which I am hopeful you may wish to review. Descriptions of both are below as well as links to read the first chapter of each. In the case of the non-fiction work a current press release (with review excerpts) is also below. Looking very forward to hearing from you. 

Wow, what a compelling pitch. Does he really think that would entice anyone to review his work? Well, to be fair, it did entice me to read the descriptions that he included. Here's the one for his non-fiction book (minus the author's name and book title):

An often terrifying journey through XYZ’s childhood in a “haunted” house through to many strange and unexplainable supernatural contacts and occurrences in his later life. Then the twist. A complete second book is added that the author feels was actually sent from an otherworldly source. Multiple cases of connections to the US 9-11 events, even mentions of the flight numbers and a description of the feelings of the World on that day are to be found in this second book. Eerily it was written and copyrighted 4 years prior to the events. XYZ feels his work was “spiritually sent through me to serve as a guide to help bring peace of mind to us all in the post 9-11 World”. 

Gosh, I wonder why he had to self-publish this one. Here's how the author describes himself on his website:

XYZ is many things. Author, award-winning Poet,popular paranormal Blogger, explorer of the strange and unusual, a guiding hand, a creator and developer, and more.

The "and more" should include nutball and sucker. By the way, I feel this entire post was sent to me spiritually from an otherworldly source.

I'm a Woman...and a Publisher?

Bonnie Kaye's Jones Harvest Fraud Victims site and Jones Harvest Fraud Victims Blog must be doing some good because she's certainly rattled Brien Jones, the founder of the sleazy vanity press. 

Brien, you may recall, is a former top exec at the Bookman and Airleaf vanity presses, which defrauded scores of gullible, aspiring authors out of hundreds of thousands of dollars before they were shut down. Today he's posted a new rant on his Jones Harvest blog defending himself against Kaye and the legions of bloggers who are warning people to stay away from his latest vanity press scheme, which seems to prey primarily on the elderly:

I also understand cowardly women like Victoria Strauss, Julie Neidlinger and Lee Goldberg and their lies. After all they’re not saying anything bad — just repeating what they were told. And what do you know! They all have their own publishing companies too! 

As far as I know, I am neither a woman nor a publisher. But you can't really expect a guy with Brien's shady vanity press past to concern himself with facts. It's clear that the only fact he is interested in is whether or not his elderly clients have any credit left on their Visa cards that they can spend on his false promises of publishing success. 

I have blogged about Brien and his vanity press scams here for years...not based so much on what other people have said, but on the sleazy solicitations the moron has actually sent to me and the outrageous promises he's made on his websites.

Kaye's efforts brought down Airleaf and exposed their rampant fraud ... with luck,  she will accomplish the same with Jones Harvest.  Keep up the good work, Bonnie!

UPDATE 12-31-08: Brien Jones has, apparently, sobered up and removed his rant from his blog. But you can still see it here on his BonnieKayLies blog. I've also saved it here  as service for students studying to be mental health professionals. 

 UPDATE 12-29-08: Flights of Fancy blogs nails Brien Jones for their amateurish covers and using his receptionist to write the rave reviews that are used as blurbs on his customers books.

UPDATE 12-28-08: Victoria Strauss at Writers Beware discusses Brien's latest rant. 

UPDATE 12-28-08:  Brien Jones has launched a new site, BonnieKayLies, where he cross-posts his rants from the Jones Harvest Blog. I was scrolling through his blather when I came across his remarkable take on Kaye's efforts to expose the fraud at Airleaf, which eventually led to the Indiana Attorney General shutting down the scam:

In my opinion Bonnie Kaye wanted her books published and sold for free. That’s what she did to Airleaf Publishing. Bonnie Kaye didn’t complain then. Why would she? Then when Airleaf didn’t pay HER enough Bonnie Kaye started a vicious campaign against them (thankfully long after I resigned my position there.)

When Bonnie Kaye was done with Airleaf what happened? The owner walked away scot-free, ‘thanks for all the swell money.’ The people that were there when it closed started their own companies. The only real result of Bonnie Kaye’s campaign was over 1000 authors lost the books they paid to have published.

Then along comes me and Jones Harvest Publishing. ‘Well’ Bonnie Kaye says, ‘let’s try it again.’

Uh-huh. In other words, Brien and his friends at Airleaf did nothing wrong. I guess Brien didn't read the Attorney General's report on the Airleaf  fraud. Maybe that's why he hasn't learned from his mistakes and seems intent on repeating them.

The Mail I Get - The Risk You Take Edition

Today I got an angry email from Joe Blow whose note was the basis for one of my "Mail I Get" posts. He wrote, in part:

I am really upset that you used my email in your Mail I Get feature. I specifically told you when I wrote to you that I didn't want to see my email turn up in your Mail I Get feature and that's exactly what you did with it.  How could you? 

Because your email was insipid, Joe, and I certainly don't feel any need to comply with your orders. I don't work for you. And if you read my blog enough to know that I regularly post emails that I get, then you should have known better than to send me one if you were afraid of seeing it posted. I've said it before but I will say it again...

1) if you are a stranger, and you send me an email asking for advice, you should assume that I will post your email (minus identifying information) and my answer on my blog so others may benefit from it...or be entertained by it. That said, I probably post less than 10% of the emails I get asking for advice. There are so many blogs out there offering screenwriting and publishing advice, and who do it far better than I do, that I am picky about what I post. It has to be either a really good, or a really inane, question for me to blog about it. Yours, Joe, was really inane.

2) If you send me an email trying to sell me your book, your product, or your service, you should assume I will post your spam on my blog and ridicule it. Most of the pitches I get are too mundane to merit a blog post, though.

3) If you are a vanity press, and you send me a solicitation, you should assume I will post your email on my blog and evicerate you. That should go without saying.

Look at the bright side, Joe.  At least I don't call people fucktards...as other members of my family do.

The Mail I Get - NCIS Edition

I got this very long email from someone who would like NCIS to do an episode about something she experienced as an employee on a cruise ship. It read, in small part:

I'm sure that you get emails like this all the time. I have an idea for an episode of NCIS. I have been searching around the internet trying to figure out how to actually make this happen, and I came across your website. Before you read this, you should know that I am a very. persistant person. [...]I used to work onboard a cruise ship. In a nutshell, I witnessed something bad happen in December 2007 at the hands of my boss, my boss's boss, and the onboard Human Resources manager. I tried to report it to someone I thought I could trust, but I apparently trusted the wrong person. She forwarded my emails in its entirety to the gentlemen that I had named, and then things got REALLY bad. I wish they just fired me (I actually resigned), but it was much worse than that. To make a long story short...

She didn't make it short...or comprehensible. She went on for another few thousand words and I still don't understand what happened or if it was even a crime. She went on and on to say, in part:

I would like to pitch the story idea to a writer to create an episode for NCIS. People should be aware of what goes on, and that it can be unsafe in international waters. [...]And to answer you next question, which I presume is "Why would the NCIS team investigate something on a cruise ship", I figure that the husband character could have been a former Marine (many cruise ship employees are)[...]Can you help point me in the right direction? I'd like to see the story told. To prove to you that I am not a crazy person, I work for a prestigious film festival.

I was skeptical about her, but once she said she worked at a prestigious film festival, I knew she was cool because nobody unstable, or with unrealistic expectations about the TV business, ever work for film festivals.

I politely told her that I couldn't help her and that there was virtually no way that she'd be able to sell her story to NCIS (not that I could figure out what the heck her story actually was). I suggested that she might have better luck getting her story out, and do more good, by going to a newspaper reporter rather a TV show about fictional detectives.

She got back to me right away with a lengthy, and yet sketchy, explanation of why she couldn't go to the press but could go to a TV cop show to get her message out. She is determined to get NCIS, or some other detective show, to hear her story

I have no interest in selling the story -- I don't need, nor want, any money for it. And I'm not crazy enough to think that I would actually write the script. I am very good at what I do, but writing is not what I do. But I do know that the screenwriters get their ideas from somewhere -- so I guess what I need is for one of the decision makers to be stumped for story ideas one day, and turn to my story for inspiration.

She vowed to press on and not be discouraged. I thought about writing her back and saying that there's a reason that they say that the stories on shows like LAW AND ORDER, NCIS, and CSI are "ripped from the headlines." Because that's where they get their inspiration, from the news, not from people sending in their personal stories of crime and conspiracy (if that is, indeed, what her story is about). But I decided to let it drop.

TV Main Title of the Week - Special Chad Everett Edition

TV Main Title of the Week

More Me

Ed Gorman has a Q&A interview with me up on his blog as part of his on-going "Pro Files" series of interviews with published authors. Here's an excerpt:

3. What is the greatest pleasure of a writing career?

It's exactly that -- having a writing career. I get paid to sit at my computer and make-believe. People pay me to share my fantasies. It doesn't get any better than that.

4. The greatest DIS-pleasure?

The opportunities for writers in book publishing and episodic TV are shrinking every day. It's a scary time to be a professional writer if you aren't already a bestselling author or an A-list screenwriter/TV showrunner.

5. If you have one piece of advice for the publishing world, what is it?

Pay me more.

Raves for my Friends

Two of my good friends -- Max Allan Collins and Zoe Sharp -- got rave reviews for their new books in the Chicago Tribune today. Critic Paul Goat Allen called Zoe's new book  THIRD STRIKE "one of the very best crime fiction sagas out there" and praised Max's THE FIRST QUARRY as " a neo-pulp noir classic." Congratulations to you both!

Bring Home the Bacon

You've heard of the Book of the Month Club, and the Fruit of the Month Club, well, now comes the Bacon of the Month Club....the perfect gift for someone you love who has left a substantial portion of their estate to you in their will.

You're So Vain

There were several interesting and informative blog posts on the web this week about self-publishing. 

After publishers rejected his thriller, CNET columnist David Carnoy spent $5000 to self-publish it through Booksurge, against the advice of his agent. He notes that:

The average self-published book sells about 100-150 copies--or 2/3 to 3/4 of your friends and family combined (and don't count on all your Facebook aquaintances buying). I don't have a source for this statistic, but I've seen this stated on several blogs and as a Publishers Weekly article titled "Turning Bad Books into Big Bucks" noted, while traditional publishers aim to publish hundreds of thousands of copies of a few books, self-publishing companies make money by publishing 100 copies of hundreds of thousands of books.

But that reality check didn't stop Carnoy, who does such a good job listing all the substantial pitfalls of self-publishing that I wonder why he bothered to go that route and what he hopes to gain. 

Author J. Steven York points out that vanity presses stress the difficulty of selling your work to a real publisher as a good reason to pay to be published. York concedes that it's true that getting published is hard:

It takes time. The deck is stacked against you, and a lot of the publishing process exists primarily to keep the flood of dreck out, sometimes keeping good books and writers out in the process. If it bothers you, and it probably does, I've got two words for you. Boo. Hoo. Like many things worth doing, getting a book published is work. It requires patience, resilience, and determination. And despite all this (and this is what the vanity publishers don't tell you), it beats the alternative.

[...]If selling your book to a legitimate publisher is too too hard for you, then going to a vanity press won't solve your problem, it will multiply it.

York lists many of the same pitfalls as Carnoy does. In a later post, he takes issue with some of Carnoy's conclusions and challenges the columnist's rationale for self-publishing his novel. York makes a lot of excellent points. His two posts should be required reading for anyone contemplating self-publishing their books.

Writers Write

James Reasoner is one of the most prolific authors that I know...he's had hundreds of books published, mostly in the western genre. And yet very few people know who he is. Why? Because the majority of those books don't have his name on them (they were written under "house names" owned by the publisher or a literary estate).

For a lot of authors, the most important thing to them is seeing their name on the cover. But for James (pictured on the left hard at work), the most important thing is to make a living writing, something he loves to do and is very good at:

At one point in my career, I had published more than eighty books, only one of which (TEXAS WIND) had my name on it. People used to ask me how I could write a book knowing that my name wouldn’t be on it, and my stock answer was “I don’t care if my name is on the book as long as it’s on the check.” Of course, that’s not exactly true now and wasn’t then. I’d love to be able to just write what I want, sell it, and have my name on it. But being able to keep writing, period, is more important to me.

It's a refreshing...and dare I say it, professional...attitude that you don't find much today. So many aspiring writers rush to self-publishing companies simply because they want the experience of seeing their name on a book cover, even if they have to spend thousands of dollars to do it. But James is different. He's a real writer and a true professional. I wish there were more like him:

There are dozens of books out there now with my name on them, and I’m thankful for each and every one of them. I hope there’ll be more in the future. But as long as I can keep writing, one way or the other, I’ll be okay. That’s just me. I don’t really think that’s the only way to carve out a career – I’m sure every author has a different approach – but I feel like I’ve played the cards that were dealt to me and won more than I’ve lost.

I know how he feels. I think I may have told this story here before, but...a couple of years ago, it was down to Bill Rabkin & me against one other candidate for the co-exec producer job on a major hit series. The showrunner couldn't choose between the us and the other guy. So we met with the studio chief, who would be deciding who ultimately got the job. The interview was going great, and I was feeling real good about our chances, until the studio chief said:

"I only have on reservation about you two. Why don't you have sexier credits?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Why haven't you ever worked on Law and Order or CSI?"

"Because we never had the opportunity, either because we were working on something else when they had openings or they weren't interested in hiring us when we were available," I said. "In the course of our career, we didn't have the luxury of picking and choosing our jobs as much as we would have liked. We have families and had to make a living so we took what came along and what interested us. But if you like us, our writing, our producing philosophy, and the way we tell stories, what difference does it make whether we worked on CSI or Diagnosis Murder?"

We might also have mentioned that our friend Terry Winter was working on SISTER SISTER when he got hired on the SOPRANOS, where he won Emmys and WGA Awards. His previous credits include THE NEW ADVENTURES OF FLIPPER and XENA. Not exactly the sexiest credits.

Well, it goes without saying that we didn't get the job. They hired someone with sexier credits. And fired him thirteen episodes later.

I like seeing my name in print and on the TV screen, but I consider myself first and foremost a working, professional writer. I write because I love it, but I also write to earn a living. Sometimes my creative or personal desires have to take a backseat to simply having a job. I don't think that Terry or I wrote for FLIPPER because we had a burning need to tells stories about a clever dolphin. We did it because writing is what we do and how we pay our bills.

UPDATE 12-20-2008: Bill Crider reviews James Reasoner's latest LONGARM novel (written under the house name "Tabor Evans.") And here's a Saddlebums review of one of Reasoner's 2007 LONGARM tales and an interview they did with him.

The Hairy Guy is Gone

Back in the 1970s, when I was about nine or ten years old, I remember stealing glimpses at my parents'  copy of THE JOY OF SEX, with it's drawings of hairy, bookish couple coupling, and thinking if that was what sex was like, I didn't see what all the excitement was about.  Now the New York Times reports that there's a new edition of the book. Gone are the illustrations of hairy man and his hippie babe, replaced by photos of an attractive young couple, and now the book explores issues like AIDS, Viagra, and Internet porn, but...:

In a society where, if anything, people talk and think far too much about sex already, what is the point of reading anything else about it? Is there really anything new to say? [...] People have more sex with more partners and think nothing of talking about it the next day in Starbucks, on the bus, on their cellphones as they walk along the street. College students hook up instead of dating. Magazines aimed at teenage girls publish practical advice on where to put what, and what to do then, when performing oral sex. Sexual images loom down from billboards, leap out of television sets and beckon from computers. Old-style pornography has become modern erotica; the newer, hard-core versions can be easily found by anyone with a computer. 

Good point. So why the update? Well, it turns out that Dr. Alex Comfort, who wrote the original book, overlooked a few things:

“He mentions the clitoris, he honors the clitoris, he says it’s important,” said Susan Quilliam [who did the revision]. “That was a lot more than most people did in those days. But he only mentions it in passing a few times and has no specific section on it. Not because he was anti-clitoris but because he just didn’t know [...]I’m sure he was a lovely man, but he said that most men, given a young and attractive partner, can always get it up — it’s only when a woman lets herself go that he has a problem. And you’re going, ‘No, no, no!’ But that is what it was like then.” 

It's a good thing for us men that fewer women are letting themselves go today!

The Mail I Get -- Still More!

I have two pieces of mail to share with you today. First off is this query from an aspiring screenwriter in Germany:

I am trying to collect experience in "stoffentwicklung" what might be similar to the expression "scriptwriting" for movies and television. I had the Idea to got to Los Angeles- Hollywood to do a trainee, but I really don't know if this is common in the same way as it is here in Germany. I would be very greatfull if you could help me on this.

I replied:

I'm not aware of all the trainee opportunities in screenwriting in L.A...but the few that I know about are highly competitive. You would be competing against graduates of the film schools at UCLA, USC and NYU, to name a few. And I suspect the trainee programs are more likely to take a U.S. writer than one from Europe. That said, it couldn't hurt to apply anyway. All it will cost you is a stamp or a click.

I got the following email from a writer who says he's trying to decide whether or not to self-publish his novel. But  it seems to me from his note that he has already decided to self-publish and is trying to justify his decision to himself:

I am an aspiring and intelligent writer who is aware that there are so many less-than-honest companies. Do you despise all self publishing or do you see the value in some authors deciding to self publish? Are there any companies in particular that you have found success with? Do you know approximately how many legitimate literary agents are available in the US and how many manuscripts they take on per year? I know that there are relatively unknown authors that do get the opportunity to publish but is there an average advancement amount that is given to a first timer? How is the figure decided? I am passionate about what I have written and I do not want the manuscript, characters, places, etc to be altered in any way. Can I get a guarantee from a traditional publisher that my work will not be manipulated or misconstrued?

Here's how I replied:

I don't know how many legitimate literary agents there are, or how many manuscripts are published each year, or what the average advance is for new writers. It's irrelevant anyway. It sounds to me like you are asking those questions to justify a decision you've already made to hand over your credit card to a vanity press. What you're implying is that it's just too damn hard to break in... and you don't want to make the effort. And since, on top of that, you refuse to even consider editing your work in any way, then yes, I think it's unlikely that you will find an agent or a publisher.

Why? Because no agent is likely to represent a newbie writer as inflexible  as you appear to be...unless, of course, your work is mind-blowingly spectacular and amazingly commercial.  And while a real publisher won't edit your work without your consent...they also won't publish it if you are unwilling to make the changes they think are necessary.

So if what you want is your manuscript to be printed in a form resembling a book without any editing whatsoever, then hell yes, call iUniverse right away. You won't sell any copies, and it will cost you a small fortune, but at least it will be printed in book form without any chance of rejection, editing...or  advances and sales. But hey, at least you will have done it your way and avoided any chance of someone telling you something you don't want to hear.

You are, in fact, exactly the kind of person vanity presses pray for...not only do they like the desperate and naive, they also appreciate people whose high opinion of their own work is only matched by their fear of rejection and lack of fortitude.

Do I despise all self-publishing? No, I don't. I despise the vanity presses that prey on the stupidity and desperation of aspiring authors and swindle them out of their money. And I have little patience for newbie writers who are so intent on finding a short-cut that they blind themselves to obvious scams.

Self-publishing is rarely a wise idea for fiction but it can work with non-fiction, especially if you have a strong platform from which to publicize and sell the book,  like teaching a class, hosting a TV or radio show, preaching to a congregation, touring as a speaker, running seminars, etc.

The Backlot

I've been surprised this season by how often shows are using the studio backlots instead of going on location. The familiar Warner Brothers backlot, and studio office buildings,  show up frequently on TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES and THE MENTALIST.  I haven't seen this much backlot shooting since the days of MANNIX and IT TAKES A THIEF. I wonder if this has something to do with the studio mandated budget cuts that are being impossed on showrunners. Then again, it can be cheaper sometimes to shoot on a city street than pay the studio overhead to use the backlot...

A Day in the Life

In many ways, today was pretty much a typical working day when I'm not on a show. 

I began by returning a call from Germany from Peter Bondy, the writer who translates my MONK books for my German publisher. He had some questions about MR. MONK IS MISERABLE, which is he just about finished translating. I alway enjoy talking to him and really appreciate that he takes the extra effort to double-check names, jokes, and references with me before making any changes. 

I answered some emails and then I called a studio executive to make sure he had everything he needed on the written version of a series treatment before he takes it out to possible c0-production partners in January. He did. I wished him a happy holiday and we made plans to touch base in the new year.

I spent the next a few hours rewriting the MONK pages I wrote last night, had a quick lunch, and went to the post office to mail copies of my MR. MONK IS MISERABLE book to the folks mentioned in the acknowledgments. I picked up my daughter from school and came home.

I opened a fresh Diet Coke, grabbed a handful of almonds, and  made some small fixes in a screenplay at the request of the producers who optioned it from me. They are about to send it out to some actors for a holiday read and there were a few scenes involving one character that needed to be slightly tweaked. That took an hour or two.

And then I started writing some new pages in the MONK book. So, naturally, here I am procrastinating on my blog. I'll get back to the book once I've posted this, then I'll make dinner for my family, and write until bed time.

Tomorrow, it begins again. I'll probably start by rewriting what I wrote today, answer some emails...

Speaking of routines, author HelenKay Dimon pointed me to this site that chronicles the daily writing routines of famous writers.

Original, Unaired Gilligan's Island Pilot

Here's the original, unaired "Gilligan's Island" pilot with a very different cast and theme song.

The Mail I Get, Part Two

I got the strangest piece of spam today from someone named Kelly Kilpatrick:

I'm interested in writing a guest article on your site A Writer's Life in order to increase my writing profile. I'm not sure what the process is for submitting an article for your review or if you have certain requirements, but if you're at all interested I'd appreciate you getting back to me, and I can send you an article for you to consider for publication. I'm planning on writing something related to your existing articles, but if you have something specific in mind just let me know. All I'd ask in return is a by-line with a link pointing back to my site.

Her site offers links to online educational institutions and vocational training services. I'm not linking to it because I don't what to give this woman any traffic.

What's amazing to me is that Kelly thinks that by spamming bloggers, and offering to blog for them, she will increase her "writing profile." She also seems to think that my blog is a magazine, and that people submit posts for my review. (What I actually think what she did was take her standard query letter and substitute "on your site A Writer's Life" where she'd usually insert the name of a magazine). Clearly, Kelly has never visited or read my blog. She also has no idea how to begin a career as a professional writer.

Here's a hint, Kelly: spamming strangers whose blogs you haven't seen and offering to write a post for them is not the way in. It is, however, a terrific way to increase your "idiot profile."

UPDATE: I've seen some of her brilliant blog posts, all of which link back to a variety of different sites that flog online education courses. Most of her inane articles are basically lists (Five Anti-Obama Blogs, Top Firefox Add-Ons You Need, Best On-Line Marketing Guides, etc) with an introductory paragraph. What amused me the most, however, was an article she wrote on how aspiring writers can achieve success. Here's her introduction:

Here’s the thing about writing – it doesn’t come easily to everyone. Yes, a lot of people do know how to speak well and articulate their thoughts with the élan of a skilled orator; but ask them to pen down their thoughts and they’re as out of their element as a deer caught in a pair of headlights. There are some people who have a way with words when they’re given total freedom, when they’re allowed to write on just about anything under the sun.

Apparently, she thinks the way to success is paved with cliches ("As out of their element as a deer caught in a pair of headlights,"  "Allowed to write on just about anything under the sun" etc.) but that particular piece of advice wasn't included in her list. For the record, her amazing advice included start a blog, leave comments on other blogs, and write interesting articles. Wow. I wish I had that sage advice when I was starting out.  Kelly is a writer who is like a fish out of water who is up shit creek without a paddle looking for a needle in a haystack. 

It wouldn't surprise me if "Kelly Kilpatrick" was just a pen name for several bad writers who are paid by a variety online education sites trying to draw hits to their pages.

UPDATE 2/5/09 - She's baaaak. 

Hi Lee, 

We just posted an article, "Top 100 Creative Writing Blogs." I thought I'd bring it to your attention in case you think your readers would find it interesting.

I am happy to let you know that your site has been included in this list.

Either way, thanks for your time!

Kelly

Wow. I am so honored.

Either this spam mill doesn't know that I've already trashed their activities on my blog...or they think linking to me in one of their "lists" will buy me off...or they are doing it for a laugh. Whichever it is, it's just one more indication of how inept they are.

The Mail I Get

I got an email today from a complete stranger that began with lots of praise for me and my Monk books. Then, after buttering me up, she got to the point:

I'm a pre-published author who is destined for success. My latest book is an 80,000 word erotic-suspense-romance-thriller and I would really appreciate it if you would read the manuscript and give me your detailed critique. I would also like a blurb I could use to help sell it (I will give it prominent placement on the book when it is published). I need your comments no later than Feb. 1, 2009.

My first thought was that this was some kind of prank. But assuming for the sake of a blog post that it's not, I am astonished by the writer's chutzpah. It's ballsy enough to ask someone you don't know to read your book...but to actually give them a deadline? Maybe she thinks the possibility of having my blurb published on her book is irresistable. Her arrogance and cluelessness is rather astonishing. I can't imagine anyone responding positively to her request.  That's basically what I told her:

I'm glad that you enjoy my MONK books. While I appreciate your kind words, I'm not interested in reading your manuscript. It takes a lot of time to read and critique a manuscript...something I might do for a student in a class that I'm teaching, or a close friend, or a member of my family. But you are none of those things. You are a total stranger to me. It's already presumptuous of you to ask someone you don't know to read your raw manuscript -- but demanding that they do so by some arbitrary deadline crosses the line into offensive arrogance. This may shock you, but I have a life of my own. I don't appreciate it when a stranger assumes, simply because they like my books,  that I am obligated to set my life aside for them. What were you thinking?!

I'll let you know if I hear back from this idiot.

Bloodshed Continues in NY Publishing

Sixty four people lost their jobs today at MacMillan as the bloodshed continues in the NY publishing world.

Simon & Schuster, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt and Thomas Nelson also have announced layoffs in recent weeks. Staff reductions are likely at Random House Inc., which is undergoing a significant consolidation. Other publishers, including Macmillan, have frozen wages or deferred raises.

[...]Macmillan's publishers include St. Martin's Press, Henry Holt & Co. and Farrar, Straus & Giroux. Macmillan is owned by Verlagsgruppe Georg von Holtzbrinck, based in Stuttgart, Germany.

This is bad news for writers. The job losses in the executive suites will undoubtedly lead to dropped book contracts, fewer manuscript acquisitions, and smaller advances. I don't mean to sound too pessimistic, but this is a tough time to be a writer.

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