Our Worst Script

I published the post below on this blog in July 2006...and forgot all about what I said I'd do at the end. Now I am following through...

Ken Levine writes today about the worst script he and his partner ever wrote.

In 1993 my writing partner, David Isaacs and I did a short run series for CBS called BIG WAVE DAVE’S starring Adam Arkin and David Morse. It ran that summer, got 19 shares, kept 100% of MURPHY BROWN’S audience and was cancelled. At the time CBS had starring vehicles in the wings for Peter Scolari, Bronson Pinchot, and the always hilarious Faye Dunaway so they didn’t need us.

We were given a production order of six with three back-up scripts. We assigned the first two back-ups to our staff and planned on writing the third ourselves. When the show was cancelled we put in to CBS to get paid for the additional scripts. They said fine, but we had to turn in the completed scripts. Gulp!

Bill Rabkin and I had almost the exact same experience on SEAQUEST. We'd already turned in the outline for  episode 14 when we got canceled. But in order to get paid for the teleplay, we had to write it. We did it in one day, while we were packing up our office. I still live in fear that some sf fan will stumble on a bootleg draft at a scifi convention, post it on the net, and people will think we actually write that bad. I'm in Germany now, or I'd post an excerpt. I'll try to remember to do it when I return.

UPDATE March 8, 2007:  Okay, here's an excerpt from "About Face,"  the script Bill and I wrote in a day to get our script fee. We knew no one would ever read it. All you need to know to follow along is that Piccolo a man with gills and Darwin is a talking dolphin (I'm not kidding).

EXT. SEAQUEST - CGI/STOCK

as it cruises through the sea.

INT. SEAQUEST - CAFETERIA

Lucas is at a table eating as Piccolo comes in.

PICCOLO

Hey, Lucas, what's the blue plate special today? I'm starving.

LUCAS

Grilled trout.

PICCOLO

Nothing else?

LUCAS

Scrod casserole.

PICCOLO

Pass.

LUCAS

Wait – I thought you were starving.

PICCOLO

I just lost my appetite.

(re: Lucas' plate:)

You'd think the Chef could be a bit more sensitive.

LUCAS

The presentation may not be great, but it tastes pretty good.

He holds out a fork of trout.

LUCAS

Here, have a bite.

Piccolo turns away, disgusted.

PICCOLO

Are you nuts? Why don't you go offer Darwin some dolphin pate.

Suddenly Lucas understands.

LUCAS

Tony, you aren't a fish.

PICCOLO

I have gills, Lucas. I may not be a fish, but it still feels like cannibalism to me.

LUCAS

You're a human being who happens to have gills, that's different.

PICCOLO

If you could fly, believe me, chicken wouldn't look very appetizing.

LUCAS

Chickens don't fly.

Piccolo glares at Lucas and walks out. And on Lucas, smiling to himself, we CUT TO:

Comments

[Richard Cooper]

Please pass the caviar and the poached shark brains.

[Danny Barer]

I'm envisioning an entire "bottle" episode set in the ship's galley. Four acts of the crew ordering food, criticizing the chef, getting on each other's nerves, and discussing the history of western culture. "My Dinner with Darwin."